Wills, hurt feelings and family ties

[Bluecrystal2]

My sister gave me a copy of her draft Will. We do not have contact with the rest of the family and have always been best friends.

I'm just lumped together with other family members. I'm elderly and financially sound, so it's nothing to do with the money, but it's made me realise that everything has been surface level. I always think people show how they really feel about you when large amounts of money are involved.

I know she can do what she likes with her own money but I can never see her in the same light, Would love to hear from other people who have had a similar experience.

I don't think there's a right or wrong way to write a Will. If I had children they would come first. I've read the vastly differing opinions and everyone has the right to leave their money to whomever they wish. My expectations were too high perhaps.

I think you're getting a predictably hard time (anyone who dares to have any expectations of inheritance from close family is shredded in AIBU).

But I can absolutely see why you're upset. YANBU. You've looked after your sister when she needed it, and you thought the care was reciprocal. But she's the one who's been transactional.

Wills & money in families are not always just about the money. They are symbolic of family relationships. What your sister is saying is that she does not consider you part of her family.

Although ... there may be a very pragmatic reason: she may be assuming you will die before her, so leaving her estate to you will be complicated, as she'll need to say who inherits if you predecease her.

It may be as simple as that. But I think she might have talked it through with you.

ParmaVioletTea - I wish I could express myself in writing like you. That's exactly what I meant. I know most people assume I'm some bitter money grabber.

I always feel sorry for children when a parent re-marries and the father or mother leaves everything to the stepmother/father. It's often a much younger women and the children always get nasty comments for even suggesting they should come first.

I do appreciate you insight. Thank you.

If neither of you have kids and are both financially sound why would you leave it to each other? My husband and I plan to leave everything to charity when we die and won’t be giving anything to family unless we have young children. Not because we don’t love them but because they don’t need the money and it’s much more tax efficient to leave larger sums to charity. Would you have been less upset if she had left everything to charity rather than estranged relatives?

You say you’d leave to estranged brothers , but you’re leaving everything to your sister ?
I might reconsider my will, if she gets everything of yours , all your money or whatever will end up with her beneficiaries.
What provision have you made in case she dies first ?

Do neither of you have children? I would leave everything to DH on the understanding that my portion of his wealth was passed to DC, not to any future wife or her children. Or I would leave everything to DC. I wouldn't dream of leaving money to a wealthy elderly relative, however much I loved them, if there were other people in the family or who I was close to, who needed the money to get on in life. Elderly people (self included) have to realise that the generations beneath us can't afford modest homes or to start a family because the cost of living - housing in particular, has been grotesquely distorted in our lifetime. It is our responsibility to pass the unearned wealth of a home bought cheaply in 1990s or before, now worth half a million or much more, onto younger generations who need it.

No, either way would be fine. Leaving everything to charity is such a nice thing to do.

I'm not sure it's fair to say OP's sister doesn't consider OP part of her family. OP is in her will, along with the rest of the family. The sister just hasn't drawn any distinction between OP and other family members.

I'm not saying OP is unreasonable in thinking her sister might have prioritised her over other family because they are close (and other family members are not), but I don't think it means the sister doesn't view OP as family when she has treated everyone the same and she and OP are generally close.

You say you’d only leave inheritance to blood family but you don’t have children and neither does your sister? Was that a conscious choice? You seem to place so much importance on “blood” and yet don’t have contact with wider family or the rich uncle? So when you die your money will also go to blood relations who you are also estranged from….doesnt make sense does it?

OP, you are getting a lot of unfair stick here.

I was godchild of a childless woman who was housebound. For the last five years of her life, I visited her monthly to cook her lunch and give her some social contact, of which she had little. I did this with no expectations, because it felt like the right thing to do.

When she died I was expecting her estate to go to her brother and nieces and nephews, which was utterly the right thing to do. They were blood family. I was included in the will, inheriting the same amount as another of her godchildren, whom she hadn't had contact with for twenty years.

I was hurt. It wasn't about the money, it was about the fact that all the things I had done didn't feel like they had registered in her last act.

Looking back on the situation now, I know that she was grateful for what I did, and her feelings were what counted. But it did sting to be recognised in her will no more than someone who never really gave her a second thought.

That's true, but I was looking at going to a local nursing home. The fees are £1,997 a week and my money could run out. If I became ill would love to go private as the NHS is on it's knees.

I know it's almost impossible for young people to buy a house now and that's another avenue. I will visit a solicitor for one of those free consultations and get his opinion. I realise I'm lucky to be in a good position but it's as ParmaViolet said.

Don't you think it's a biological drive to do that.

No. I wouldn't be leaving anything to somebody I had been 'no contact' with for years, irrespective of any biological relationship and irrespective of whose decision it was to cut contact. If they aren't in my life, there''s no reason for them to get anything after my death.

I would not leave anything to people in the same generation as my assumption is we would die at about the same time. I dont think it reflects on her relationship with you at all.

I hear you and get what you mean.

I had a friend who nursed an actual Lord for about a year. When I bumped into her she said his Lordship had died but had provided for her in his Will. She didn't intend working again (27 years old).

The estranged part of the family have large families of their own, i.e. kids, grand kids etc.

My sister and I separated from the family a long time ago and it's always been just the two of us, so we're really close.

In your circumstances it would be nice to be left a couple of valuable paintings or bits of jewellery, but I don’t understand why you would expect more.

I would say that you have two things to consider now.

Firstly the relationship with your sister. Regardless of anything else, do you enjoy each other’s company and support? If so. Put the will behind you, say you were just startled she was leaving money to people she’s estranged from, and let it go.

Then your will- you may want to reconsider now you know there are more acceptable choices than you thought. There may be a charity that matters to you, for example.

Be aware with your sister’s will, charities can be pushy about getting their allocation. It’s their duty to be efficient with charitable funds and that can mean they lack empathy with relatives and executors. When DF was executor for an uncle, they were relentless in their desire to speed everything up- emptying the house, selling it etc. Personally I felt DF should have handed it over for them to do.

I've read some dreadful stories about charities. There must be a way of blocking contact with the bereaved. Small animal sanctuaries would be my first choice, most definitely not the RSPCA though.

Maybe the most sensible thing would be to blow the lot before I head for the pearly gates.

Incidentally, I've said to her loads of times, I wish you would just spend it. She's worried about needing care when she's older but certainly doesn't go without. I don't think she would react badly if I decided not to leave her much.

The advice has made me feel a lot better about the situation.

YABU

OP you said that you are well-off, and that your sister would expect to outlive you. It is hardly surprising therefore that she has not left all her money to you, but has rather considered carefully where it should go (and has still taken care to include you in the event that you should not predecease her).

Given your reaction to her will, I am not surprised that she would decide not to tell you about an inheritance.

Thanks for sharing your opinion.