Wills, hurt feelings and family ties

[Bluecrystal2]

My sister gave me a copy of her draft Will. We do not have contact with the rest of the family and have always been best friends.

I'm just lumped together with other family members. I'm elderly and financially sound, so it's nothing to do with the money, but it's made me realise that everything has been surface level. I always think people show how they really feel about you when large amounts of money are involved.

I know she can do what she likes with her own money but I can never see her in the same light, Would love to hear from other people who have had a similar experience.

unusual to tell you about the will in advance.

I think it's odd to choose estranged relatives over ones you are close to. Does she have dc?

she is going to outlive you?
why does her Will matter then?

Good point. I put my sister up free of charge for five years and she did not do the same when I needed help, she was also left a large sum in my uncle's Will which she kept secret from me.

I think it's just a lot of built up family resentment. It's definitely not based on expectation of money but more to do with loyalty.

Perhaps as she knows you don't need the money, she thought she would spare you acrimony and recriminations from estranged family members objecting to your favourable treatment ot worse, challenging the will. Perhaps she feels some residual filial duty to your parents and thinks this is what they would expect of her.

I think it's awfully sad and really unfair to dismiss years of love between you and her as "all superficial" because of this.

Please think again. I am currently agonising about how to arrange my will and honestly nothing feels quite right to me. It isn't easy.

(Oh and I assume she was happy for you to see it, which means she would almost certainly be really surprised and upset if she knew that you feel like this!)

Edited to add - did not see the last two posts but it does sound as though you already had some issues and resentment towards her. Buy I would try to resolve this without challenging her actions, just getting her to acknowledge and understand your feelings about them, if you can. You need that love between you and so does she I am sure.

Have you thought about a Mirror Will. You leave everything to your loved one, then when they die it goes to other beneficiaries or charities. It's good that you're doing one, but very difficult to decide what to do for the best.

I think she probably is thinking along those lines.

Those are big ‘drip feeds’ OP. But still don’t mean you’re being reasonable over your sister’s will.

Just in case you e misunderstood @Bluecrystal2 the above is not how mirror wills work. Mirror wills are made by two people, usually a couple, that “mirror” each other, I..e leave their estate to the other half of the couple (who inherit absolutely and can do what they like with it) unless they have already died/otherwise don’t inherit, in which case it goes to charity. It does not go the the other person then charity, if that’s what you are trying to achieve you need a trust with a life interest.

Re your sister sounds like this is about more that
n the will and she has not supported you as you would like in the past. You might be being unreasonable, we don’t have enough info to say, but if they
is is impacting your relationship you need to make changes that are right for you.

That sounds a lot more complicated than I thought. I'll read up on it.

I think a lot of issues are to do with underlying resentments that have never been addressed. I need to read that John Cleeves book 'Families and how to survive them'.

I agree it’s unusual to leave a whole house to charity. I wonder why she let you see the will in advance. She obviously doesn’t think there’s a problem with giving other family members the same as you. I assume she doesn’t have children?

She doesn't have children. I will still leave everything to her and think it's best to just let go of what 'is' and move on. I think it was just so unexpected.

I know people who have left houses to charity. They either didn't have children or their children didn't need a huge inheritance. Its a great thing to do.

My sibling is not in my will, and I'm not in theirs - everything goes to my children and if they predecease me then it all goes to 2 charities. When my parent dies both my sibling and I are set to inherit 50/50 if there's anything left (parent in nursing home).

Good point. I put my sister up free of charge for five years and she did not do the same when I needed help, she was also left a large sum in my uncle's Will which she kept secret from me.

With hindsight, those things should have suggested to you that you had different attitudes. It's easy to write this, I know, and I do understand that you are feeling hurt by her choices now.

What relationship was the uncle to the estranged relatives? Maybe your sister is using her will to try and 'set things right' and re-establish a relationship with the estranged relatives?

So you have decided to leave everything to someone you know is a bit of a sly entitled user?

That is on you.
But why would you do that?
Spdnd some money on therapy, its never too late and might be very enjoyable actually.

OP if you're best friends and have a good, trusting, happy relationship, why would the decision she has made about her will make you think that relationship is and has always been surface level?

People make decisions about money for all kinds of reasons but I think - especially given that you don't need the money - you would be utterly mad to let her choice about her will dictate how you feel about her when otherwise all seems to be so good in your relationship.

My uncle lived in Hong Kong and my sister was the only one that kept in touch with him and visited. The inheritance was massive and I only found out about it by accident.

You're spot on about different attitudes.

You've made some really good points.

I would always give everything to someone who shares my blood. I wouldn't hesitate to do the same for my brothers, even though we are estranged. Don't you think it's a biological drive to do that.

A biological drive to ‘give everything to someone who shares my blood’? No. Not in the slightest.

I am estranged from a sibling. She is not in my will. I have other siblings who I have ok relationships with, and they are not in my will.

There are people in my will who share no blood connection with me, who came into my life when we were all adults, who have been with me through thick & thin, who support and love me, who make me laugh and without whom my life would be a very different thing. They are the people who are in my will. Not estranged blood relatives. And not relatives who I have a decent enough relationship with, but at the same time am not particularly close to.

But isn't this exactly what she's doing? Sharing her money with family, even the ones from whom she is estranged?

Sounds very understandable why he would leave her an inheritance if she was the one he was in contact with.

Was the issue you had with it that she didn't share it with you or that she kept it secret from you, as they are two very different things?

I would always give everything to someone who shares my blood. I wouldn't hesitate to do the same for my brothers, even though we are estranged. Don't you think it's a biological drive to do that.

My siblings aren't in my will because I have children, but if I didn't have children they still wouldn't be in it.

Three of them because I haven't spoken to them for many years and they are simply horrible people. I wouldn't give them anything.

My other sibling wouldn't be in it because although we keep in basic contact we're not close and she doesn't need anything from me. I'm not in her will either, she is leaving everything to her very best friend who has supported her through things and I think that is entirely the right choice.

Are you upset because your will leaves everything to her, you assume you will die first, therefore your possessions will go to the relatives as well under her will?

My possessions will all go to the tip. It's all second hand and they wouldn't want it.

I see what you mean.

Sorry to be a bit nitpicky, but (usual caveat: I am not a lawyer) I don't think mirror wills is a term that has any force in law. It just refers to the very common situation where two people, usually married or civil partners, make their wills at the same time and each will is a mirror of the other. E.g.:

X leaves everything to Y if Y survives him; if Y goes first, everything goes to their children in equal shares.
Y leaves everything to X if X survives her; if X goes first, everything goes to their children in equal shares.

There is no requirement to leave anything to charity in a mirror will unless the person making the will wants to do that. Either or both parties can change their wills later and they don't need to tell the other one what they're doing.

Any will that says someone can have the use of something for their lifetime and then it will pass to someone else or to a charity is best drawn up by a lawyer to make sure it's watertight.

My brother is mentioned in my will, but only as a precaution in case (god forbid) I outlive not only my husband but both my children and have no grandchildren. In that, I hope very unlikely, eventuality, he or his children would get some of my estate and the rest would go to various good causes.