Stressed about our destination wedding and not inviting extended family

[lilybit2025]

My partner and I recently got engaged after 9 years together and we’re absolutely thrilled. We’ve always dreamy of getting married in Italy, whether it was just the two of us eloping or having a slightly larger celebration there. I would happily elope but partner wants a bigger wedding as we have a huge amount of close friends.

The tricky part is my partner’s family. His dad has three brothers, and while he’s close to one (who will be invited), he only sees the other two a handful of times a year. One of them is also his boss. He’s decided not to invite those two, which I completely understand, but I know it’s going to cause HUGE tension.

It’s the same with his cousins. One cousin will be invited, but the cousins two siblings won’t be. We only see them three times a year max and don't often speak much apart from family events. One of those cousins has four children, so inviting them would add six extra guests just from that cousin alone, which isn’t possible with our numbers and budget.

I’m already feeling stressed about it because I’ve organised a surprise 30th party for my partner next year, and his parents were very vocal about the guest list, saying we “can’t invite one uncle and not the other" and I can't talk to DP about this because it's a surprise. MIL is lovely but very opinionated and insists certain family members and family friends should be invited to a 30th, let alone a wedding. Even though I've only met these family friends a couple of times and DP hasn't really spent much time with them apart from when he was a child (family friend holidays) I'm dreading to think how she will be about cutting family/family friends out of our wedding.

We’re limited to 70 guests and already at 66 including photographer we are flying out with us. It’s child free apart from his sisters 3 sons, and we’ve had to cut some of our own friends to make space. I only have 5 family members coming as mine is quite small, whereas he already has 22, with the rest (35 including partners) being our closest friends.

We know destination weddings can be divisive, but that’s why we’re being so selective. We want a small, meaningful day with the people who matter most. I’m just dreading how his parents will react when they realise some uncles, cousins and family friends aren’t invited. Even if we had a UK wedding, it would still cost just as much with the same amount of people coming and only having one day, whereas abroad we get 4 full days. We also know not everyone will be able to make it/want to which is absolutely fine and we are aware of that. Has anyone been through something similar? How did you manage the family drama. It's actually making this not enjoyable.

I’m usually one for the bride and groom deciding on their wedding but I think what you’re thinking is going to cause upset, especially dividing family like that and you may find invitees don’t come because of other loyalties, as well as time and expense. That upset could last and last. Not really what you want for a joyous occasion.

I’d marry in the UK, have a party, invite everyone. Then I’d have a romantic honeymoon in Italy. It is a beautiful country so I can understand the attraction.

So you’ve no venue, presumably therefore no set date, are prepared to go to the expense of flying out photographer but don’t want to invite brothers? Also, 70 guests isn't a ‘small wedding’.
I think you need to get the date and venue sorted before deciding who to invite TBH!
Sorry - just saw that it’s his uncles not brothers.

Same, but on mumsnet anything over inviting parents and siblings seems to be considered a big wedding. In my culture 70 people would be considered a small wedding!

Not inviting the uncle who is also the boss when you're inviting other uncle is inviting trouble:

If you were inviting parents and siblings only then not inviting boss uncle would be fine. Once you start inviting uncles or aunts then choosing not to include him is a very pointed snub that will almost inevitably cause offence

Just go with parents/siblings then have a big party back home. Who needs all this stress! You haven't even decided on a venue yet and are already worrying- change your plan!

Not that it matters, but 70 people for a destination wedding that's childfree but also not childfree is a huge number.

To expect seventy people to use up annual leave and pay for flights, days of childcare, clothes, insurance, accommodation, taxis, food etc.

There no downsides to eloping/registry office.

This ^

This all sounds like a lot of hassle for what is a party for anyone not getting married! Can just imagine boss/uncle declining the groom’s leave request after he is s snubbed!

You say in your 2nd post you haven't even got a venue yet. So to ensure you keep the peace you include everyone in a "pre-invitation" message saying that you're planning a child-free destination wedding in Italy in (month)(year) and although you haven't booked a venue yet you need to know how many people are likely to turn up. You completely understand that using your holiday budget to come to an overseas wedding won't be everyone's cup of tea but will be overjoyed to celebrate with anyone who can make it. Please let me know by (date in 2 weeks time) whether to include you in the numbers and whether it would be just you or you and (name partner). When we have a venue and a date we'll send out proper invitations.

Most people won't come. The people you aren't that close to will not be spending £2000 to come to your destination wedding, so you can invite them safe in the knowledge that they will say no. A lot of the people you are close to will say no because they don't have £2000 to spare, or want to spend it on a holiday of their choosing. Some people will want to come. Book a venue that will accommodate that number. If someone likes you enough to spend £2000 to come to your wedding, you can spend an extra £100 to feed them and ensure the venue has the capacity to include them. However, I do not think you will get 70 people saying yes, so you should be fine and you won't have offended anyone.

You should elope

First of all can the surprise party, its going to cause more trouble than it is worth. Next sort out how many people you wish to invite to the wedding if there is some kind of limit, financial or otherwise. Next bit is he deals with his share of the invites for his family ad you deal with yours. Job done.

Destination weddings always piss people off. In so many ways.

Either elope or have your honeymoon in Italy.

I’m with you on prioritising friends over family though. We’re still friends with nearly all the friends who came to our wedding, nearly 20 years ago, so disagree with pps that friends fall away. Whereas some of the cousins and aunts/uncles I’ve barely seen except for weddings/funerals. Plus it makes a wedding much more fun to have all your friends there!

I'm going to be honest though, @VenusClapTrap - I was upset not to be invited to my niece's wedding.

If you don’t invite everyone in a category, it is going to create issues. Picking and choosing between aunts and uncles or cousins comes across as rude no matter how you spin it. That is a choice you can make, but you have to accept the fallout it creates for relationships with the family.

then you get to add in the fact that you are doing this as a destination wedding and thus getting this more elaborate wedding at the cost of you guests. This adds fuel to the fire.

Make your choices. Just realize that the things you are saying to defend them are what people find offensive in the first place. They are being told they aren’t as important. They are being told you get a fancier wedding this way.

OP, the whole point of a destination wedding is so that you don't have to invite any family!
Or, at least, keep it to a bare minimum - just parents, say.
If you want a full scale, traditional wedding, just have it at a convenient location in the UK.

Not necessarily.
I have been married 35 years, and we probably are only still in touch with a couple of family members who were there (both sides).
Whereas we regularly see probably two dozen friends who we have known for 40 or 50 years. Friendships last, because they matter.

If you haven’t chosen the venue yet (therefore not set the exact date, location etc) then unless you are royalty or mega rich and paying for everyone’s accommodation, I am very sceptical that 70 people are going to fly to Italy for your wedding.

You might as well just invite everyone, assume that a lot won’t come anyway and then you will have your nice “small” wedding without leaving anyone out.

Is the Italy wedding the legal one?

Inviting distant guests to a fake wedding having already done the legal bit in England before you go is meh.

Also, stings a bit to be flying out a photographer but not relatives

Have the wedding at home and take your friends with you on honeymoon to Italy. You’ll be spending a lifetime with your family and the tensions caused by your current plans. But as everyone says, your choice.

This sounds like a recipe for months and months of stress - do you really want that for your wedding? Is that what you want to remember about it? Will the gorgeous photographs really compensate for the fall-outs which could go on for years?

So you have a few options:

1 Carry on with your current plans and accept that you're going to upset people, spend months fretting over your invitation list etc

2 Get married in the UK, have all the extended family and then go to Italy on honeymoon

3 Have the civil ceremony in the UK (which you'll probably have to do anyway) with everyone and then a very small blessing/whatever in Italy

4 Elope to Italy, get married there and have a party when you get back

Which one is going to cause the least stress and give you something that's closest to the day you want?

Just tell your choice of guest how much it is going to cost them and you can bet many of them won’t come amyway. I would never go to a wedding abroad if it was going to cost me a shed load of money.