Stressed about our destination wedding and not inviting extended family

[lilybit2025]

My partner and I recently got engaged after 9 years together and we’re absolutely thrilled. We’ve always dreamy of getting married in Italy, whether it was just the two of us eloping or having a slightly larger celebration there. I would happily elope but partner wants a bigger wedding as we have a huge amount of close friends.

The tricky part is my partner’s family. His dad has three brothers, and while he’s close to one (who will be invited), he only sees the other two a handful of times a year. One of them is also his boss. He’s decided not to invite those two, which I completely understand, but I know it’s going to cause HUGE tension.

It’s the same with his cousins. One cousin will be invited, but the cousins two siblings won’t be. We only see them three times a year max and don't often speak much apart from family events. One of those cousins has four children, so inviting them would add six extra guests just from that cousin alone, which isn’t possible with our numbers and budget.

I’m already feeling stressed about it because I’ve organised a surprise 30th party for my partner next year, and his parents were very vocal about the guest list, saying we “can’t invite one uncle and not the other" and I can't talk to DP about this because it's a surprise. MIL is lovely but very opinionated and insists certain family members and family friends should be invited to a 30th, let alone a wedding. Even though I've only met these family friends a couple of times and DP hasn't really spent much time with them apart from when he was a child (family friend holidays) I'm dreading to think how she will be about cutting family/family friends out of our wedding.

We’re limited to 70 guests and already at 66 including photographer we are flying out with us. It’s child free apart from his sisters 3 sons, and we’ve had to cut some of our own friends to make space. I only have 5 family members coming as mine is quite small, whereas he already has 22, with the rest (35 including partners) being our closest friends.

We know destination weddings can be divisive, but that’s why we’re being so selective. We want a small, meaningful day with the people who matter most. I’m just dreading how his parents will react when they realise some uncles, cousins and family friends aren’t invited. Even if we had a UK wedding, it would still cost just as much with the same amount of people coming and only having one day, whereas abroad we get 4 full days. We also know not everyone will be able to make it/want to which is absolutely fine and we are aware of that. Has anyone been through something similar? How did you manage the family drama. It's actually making this not enjoyable.

Also, not inviting his father's sister, but a massive number of friends?

I don’t understand how you have a cap of 70, when you don’t have a venue. The solution is simple: choose a venue that holds the friends and the uncles.

Besides, once the reality of guests needing to take holiday, buy plane tickets, and pay for hotels sets in, you’ll find that many will decline.

I’ve known three friends try to plan a destination wedding, all three fell through due to family politics. Just not worth the stress!

Sorry but you can’t invite friends over family, that’s awful. In ten years you won’t have half the friends anymore, family will still be around.

70 is not small
I think you are highly over estimating how many people will give up their annual leave and leave their kids at home and possibly miss out on av family holiday for your wedding.

Almost 70 people is not a small wedding. Just elope, or let the groom worry about his relatives, it's fine, you don't need to think about it.

Don't fall into the trap of taking on extra work and hassle because it's 'our' wedding. Bride deals with her relatives, groom deals with his.

Unless he's had some huge falling out with his brothers then it's really appalling not to invite them....I mean to be honest you sound pretty full of yourselves considering you expect people to traipse across the world, give up their annual leave, pay for a trip and leave their kids at home. This isn't the invite of the century.

Why are you stressing about his family?

It doesn't sound like your family are going to cause any drama. So let him handle his family and the associated stress. Let him deal with them - that's not your job.

Also, I'm all for people having the wedding they want, including destination weddings and child-free ones, but you have to have a thicker skin. These things are divisive, as you say. To be honest, almost any wedding-related choice you make will trigger Opinions from those who like to make them. You really, really really need to shrug off those Opinions.

You can do as you please for your wedding. However, there'll always be a fallout when you exclude people from the same family or a friend group. I'm afraid that's generally what occurs. The boss one could be especially tricky.

First of all I am and always have been very much a it’s your wedding, your day, your choice.

But I do think you need to bring this back to the drawing board and ask yourselves what do you truly want and who do you really want there.

In my opinion, 70 people is a medium sized wedding definitely not small. We had 22 people, that’s small.

Complete honesty, it wouldn’t surprise me in half of the people you invite to your destination wedding do not attend. This is really common for destination weddings.

at the end of the day you cannot invite everyone, you do have to cut some people out otherwise you’d have a long list of people.

Do you need all 70? Could you not elope or have very close friends and family, say 20-30 people?

I think not being invited to a very small destination wedding where there’s only a handful of others going compared to a bigger 70 guest wedding is less of a problem, in my opinion

Am I the only one who thinks 70 is a fairly small wedding?

OP, I honestly couldn't be arsed with all this. Just go to Italy, get married, then come back and have a party and invite whoever you want. Life is way too short to spend it stressing about hurting the feelings of virtual strangers.

Well, I would say it's big. Small would be maybe 10 - 20 people?.

I would say small is up to 100 people, medium is 100-180 and large is over that. Mine was 150 and my dad kept reminding me I was having a very small. Wedding. Mind you BIL had 450 so that was the other extreme

You're both thrilled to get engaged after 9 years?! Wtf does that actually mean? What connection do you have with Italy - have you checked out the legalities? If so, I'm sure you will have found out that you can't just knock on a church door in big white dress and demand to get married. Months of notice required including proof of baptismal certificates so sure if you have investigated, you'll have probably had a quiet Civil Marriage on the side. The few 'blessed' with an invite will only remember the occasion as when OP sent a boxed invite, full of exploding Glitter when opened, delivered by half dead Carrier Pigeon (dyed to look like a White Dove - most of the poor Buggers didn't get through after word got around Birds of Prey Community that Dinner was literally being served on the Wing) asking them to attend their nuptials at the cost of self £xxxx. I'm sure there'll be a QR code to their Registry with the obligatory disclaimer, "obviously we've been shacked up for 9 years so don't require any household goods apart from multiple Ninja devices, Roomba's, anything with a Dyson label, Ski equipment (sure we'll get around to learning if togged up with Designer gear!) solid gold cutlery but most importantly would love a house deposit / complete funds for second home - preferably in Tuscany next to the Blair's or BoJo and his current wife / multiple children!". Integrated USB in the invite will also involve studio shot, romantic video - as fake twilight descends there'll be backlit profile of the only couple to have plighted their troth each other this Century and ends with tinkly laugh and reminder 'it will be a lovely self funded (£xxxx) holiday for you, and don't forget if you book into the overpriced hotel, we'll get the Honeymoon Suite for two nights and then be moved to a ramshackle Annex (located in Benidorm - wait, isn't that in Spain? Oh well, same difference) for free and the remainder of the fortnight!".

Congrats on your engagement! Personally I'd not do a destination wedding with a big family/large number or friends because people that feel they should be there won't be. It also seems a huge amount of hassle to organise something in another country, plus you then may want a party in your home country too so it makes it very expensive. You can argue it's your day and you can invite who you want, but it'll rankle for some people.

However, back to your question - don't be stressed about the guest list. He sorts his side of the guess list. You do yours. If there is any weirdness from his side of the family just refer to him. "I'm organising my side, and DH is doing is, you'll need to speak with him" if any questions come up. He's bonkers not to invite his boss in this circumstance.

Two suggestions - have a large cheap but cheerful wedding in the UK with everyone there, or just have you two and go and get married. The latter way is highly recommended, DH and I got married with just us two and our 2 DC for witnesses, no one else (so no arguments). We also didn't tell anyone until 18 months afterwards.

Blimey! 100 guests is a small wedding?!

So agree with this.
No falling outs, just people moving on.
The drama from this will never be forgotten.
As for not asking his boss uncle?
Madness.

you need to sort the venue out first, as then that may decide some of your dilemmas for you. A lot of those people may not even come when they factor in flights, hotel stay etc.

It's quite a brave choice to exclude an uncle who is also his boss.
It's an odd sized destination wedding imo. Either go smaller in Italy, or big at home. You've chosen the drama, either prepare to deal with it or change your plans.

@lilybit2025 if we were to receive an invitation to a destination wedding, we'd quickly find an alternative engagement rather than spend close to or more than £1000 to attend whilst also using up valuable annual leave days.

You've been together for nine years and undoubtedly have a home together. Book the local registry office for you and your repective parents and throw a party for your friends and family.

@RosesAndHellebores me too, I would hope not to be included as would feel stress in saying no thank you!

OP you’re stressed before you even start. Not going to get easier! I think 70 is loads for a destination wedding. As another poster suggested, can’t you just draw the line at uncles and aunties but no cousins. Seems simpler to me and avoid what looks selective (which it is) especially the boss one, invites as to who is liked more than the other in the same family group.

Wedding in uk and amazing honeymoon in Italy?

I missed the bit where you don't have a venue yet! I assumed you must have one because you mentioned 70 people max. If you haven't booked anywhere yet, definitely ditch this idea, elope by yourselves and have a party back home afterwards. Or, have the wedding here and then have a fabulous Italian honeymoon as the special bit just for you. Don't make life much harder than it needs to be!

The fact you are 5 people and his are ten times as many, and your parents are paying for it, means that any notion of “fair” is already over.

You won’t be able to square this circle. Accept that. In your shoes I would go with something cheaper that everyone can come to, or something tiny that only a handful of people are invited to - nothing in the middle will please everyone and be stress free.

Personally I would go to Italy just the two of you with parents, then throw an enormous party at home.

I’d just invite the uncles/cousins but not partners and children. Job done. They won’t come, but you’ll have ticked the box.

If you’re inviting 60 people, I wouldn’t expect to get more than 40. Even if you are absolutely sure your besties will definitely never miss your wedding, someone will get pregnant between now and then. Someone will lose their job or have a change of circumstances. Someone will get cancer and not be able to travel and their partner won’t come either. It happens. I couldn’t make it to my own best friends wedding (I was MOH) because my passport got held up in a visa queue for 10 months, which meant I couldn’t get my breastfed baby a passport to travel with me.

You will have space. I’d just send the invite and move on.

You're not wrong. But on the it's nice to be surrounded by current friends