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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel guilty for DH putting DD to bed.

40 replies

Thankyouandgoodnight · 05/06/2008 21:08

I'm 34 weeks PG and for the past few weeks, he's been giving me his lie in at the weekends, which has been a lifesaver as I've been feeling SO exhausted. We usually split the bed times on saturdays and sundays, one each.

Anyway - I am usually on morning, day and bed time duty with DD Monday to Friday as DH works long days. He's just come back from 2 nights away with work and after a social night last night he said he was feeling tired when he got home at 4:30pm today. He offered to put DD to bed and I didn't argue. I had dinner to cook and it's a nice change for me not to do it and the thought of starting dinner earlier was great.

I felt awfully guilty though because he was tired and it's usually 'my job' during the week. What would you have done?

OP posts:

Original poster

Thankyouandgoodnight · 05/06/2008 21:09

Sorry - I mean we split doing DDs bed times at weekends one each!

OP posts:

anotherRaspberry · 05/06/2008 21:10

I would have done what you did - and the fact that you have been able to start dinner earlier presumably means that you will both eat earlier and then go to bed earlier.

You are probably tired all the time - you are 34 weeks pregnant

micci25 · 05/06/2008 21:10

if he offered you have no reason to feel guilty could it be that yes he was tired but ahd missed her while he had been away?

you didnt make him to it and im sure it didnt take him too long.

kitsmummy · 05/06/2008 21:11

YABVU. So he's tired cos he's hungover, so what? You're tired cos you're 34 weeks pregnant, just let him put DD to bed, and let him do it more often during the week too!

littleboyblue · 05/06/2008 21:12

So you carrying your second child 24/7, keeping it safe and warm. Can't do it all love. Will get him in practise for when lo2 arrives, you won't wanna put 2 to bed every night.
Put your feet up and relax as much as possible for the next few weeks.

kitsmummy · 05/06/2008 21:12

YABVU. So he's tired cos he's hungover, so what? You're tired cos you're 34 weeks pregnant, just let him put DD to bed, and let him do it more often during the week too!

kitsmummy · 05/06/2008 21:12

YABVU. So he's tired cos he's hungover, so what? You're tired cos you're 34 weeks pregnant, just let him put DD to bed, and let him do it more often during the week too!

kitsmummy · 05/06/2008 21:13

Oh sorry, having computer problems

Love2bake · 05/06/2008 21:14

If he has just come from 2 nights away, I expect he wanted to spend a bit time with her.

Put your feet up, you deserve it as you are growing a little person and thats hard work!

Divastrop · 05/06/2008 21:15

as someone else said,he probably missed her and thats why he offered in the first place.dont feel guilty

Divastrop · 05/06/2008 21:16

kitsmummy-i think MN went a bit loopy then,it wasnt you

MaureenMLove · 05/06/2008 21:17

What exactly does 'doing bedtime' mean and how long does it take?

He offered, he obviously loves you very much and was putting your needs before his own, just like you have probably done a million times before.

Don't fret about it. You sound like you both appreciate each others needs and wants and he could obviously see you needed the time more than him.

He sounds lovely! Give him an extra big squidge tonght!

WideWebWitch · 05/06/2008 21:18

Hang on, is it not HIS Child too? Bloody hell, he's not doing you a favour, he's doing a tiny tiny part of looking after his own offspring.

2shoes · 05/06/2008 21:24

I was going to post then read MaureenMLove's post
can I just aggree with her?

blousy · 05/06/2008 21:25

my God woman! my dh puts dcs to bed every night and then cooks the dinner! And i'm not pregnant!!

BigBadMouse · 05/06/2008 21:27

I was going to say what wickedwaterwitch and littleboyblue said - don't feel guilty.

pointydog · 05/06/2008 21:29

You're making a rod for your own back.

Original poster

Thankyouandgoodnight · 05/06/2008 21:35

DD has a bath every 2 or 3 nights and tonight was just a PJ, teeth and bottle night. It was the way that he kept saying how tired he was that i wondered whether he was thinking or hoping that i would say 'oh don't worry I'll do it). As it was, I was up with her from 6am this morning and we sat down to eat at 8pm, so I have had a 14 hour day. I was cooking and speaking to my midwife while he was putting her to bed. I think he just wanted to lay on the sofa instead though and it was possibly guilt that made him offer in the first place.

He is someone who gets in to the who's more tired competition. If I mention I'm tired, I'm just saying and a bit of sympathy is always nice, it's never me saying that he isn't tired IYSWIM.

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 05/06/2008 21:37

I have short shrift with people who are tired because of their social events tbh! Well, if I'm married to them that is.

BoyzntheShire · 05/06/2008 21:42

whos more tired competitions get my back up. wtf?

listen honey, if thats the game he wants to play, YOU WIN. you are 34 weeks pg fgs, and have had a 14hr day ! i dont care how hard he worked on his day at work, it wasnt as hard as you.

like someone said; its HIS kid too. sheesh!

Original poster

Thankyouandgoodnight · 05/06/2008 21:54

Seriously - what is a reasonable ratio of divided care?

I always assume it's just me Monday to Friday and if he's able to help out then that's a bonus. He's usually out by 6-6:30am and home by 7:30pm.

Weekends - i.e. saturday and sunday - I am currently getting both lie ins and I do bed time one night and he does the other.

Cooking wise - we usually have one takeaway per week, he cooks once and I cook 5 nights.

We have a cleaner but I tidy every night and hoover a couple of times a week in the main living areas (take 4 minutes .

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 05/06/2008 21:57

IMO a reasonable ratio is that if he's there he does AT LEAST half of EVERYTHING.

That's the way it works in our house anyway. We both work ft oth so are equally responsible for childcare, cooking etc when we're here (not that we don't sometimes argue about it if I feel he's not pulling his weight).

During the week dh drops and collects both children as I leave at 7am and don't get back til 6.30. When I do get back though I pitch in and get on with it (as does dh). It's only fair. I earn more btw.

BoyzntheShire · 05/06/2008 22:01

thankyou, if it were the other way round, if you were out of the house those hours, would you seriously come home and put your feet up? would you feel youd worked harder than your clearly frazzled and tired-on-so-many-levels partner? really?

ThingOne · 05/06/2008 22:07

Don't feel guilty at all. When he's home you should share the care. He's going to have to get used to doing a lot more when your DC2 turns up.

Judy1234 · 05/06/2008 22:11

These problem sonly arise where women either don't work or have sexist marriages. In other marriages it's as likely a man as woman puts a child to bed. Having a penis does not preclude you from doing bath time routines or telling stories and women who see that as a male favour to a woman need to go on the Xenia Reprogramming weekend course to be brought into the world of 2008 rather than 1880.

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