Am I dealing with fussy eating dc wrong

[narnia2025]

I am at point where I don’t know what to do with dc.they are incredibly fussy.
this is the only foods they eat
chips- have to be straight cut, can’t have skin on
nuggets- has to be birds eye and battered
fishfingers- has to be Birds Eye
pasta- has to be penne
meatballs- can’t be any other type of meat and pasta, sauce and meatball have to separated
sausages occasionally
broccoli
peas
blueberries can’t be mixed with anyhing
bread and butter can’t be toasted
cheerios
walkers crisps- has to be ready salted

at their dads they will basically be giving exactly what they want and are giving their own dinner per request.
I cook the family a meal which has atleast one thing I know they will eat but sometimes it is mixed in.it can take up to an hour for them to eat and mostly it’s just picking. I really don’t want to just give them the same foods as their siblings eat a great varried diet so don’t want to limit them and also worry that dc will not have enough nutrition. If I give in will they just never eat a normal diet. I feel like I’m at my wits end and getting stressed every mealtime. Has any parents dealt with this level and aibu to just keep giving them what we eat in hopes they will just start eating more.

I was a super fussy eater as a child. It was not a choice. I could not put something in my mouth and chew and swallow it if I thought I wasn't going to like it. It made me feel sick and I wouldn't be able to swallow it.
So no amount of persuasion, bribery, coercion, or even just leaving it there, was going to work. Serving me a dinner I couldn't eat and giving me no other options would have led to upset, hunger and weight loss, it would never have led to me 'giving in' and trying it. Because I wasn't do it by choice, it wasn't a goal-oriented behaviour, it was an avoidance behaviour.

So I would say that given how specific your child is about what they will and won't eat, that you should offer them what they will eat, and have available on the table (not on their plate) other things that will see others eat. But don't mention the other foods, just have them visible.

I would definitely look into ARFID. I would also say given that your child eats blueberries and peas that's pretty ok as a diet, even if restricted.

I finally found myself able to try new things without feeling sick when I went to university. I was still very selective but I could put something in my mouth and try it without gagging! I spent a year abroad during my degree which forced me to try a lot more (and I mostly liked it ) and then went abroad somewhere completely new to live and work for a couple of years and I didn't even know what half the foods I was being offered were. I definitely didn't like them all but I was able to try them without fear. It was a complete turnaround that my family would never have believed possible.

These days I am more selective due to bowel problems rather than taste buds!

I was very fussy as a child, I ate everything until 18 months and then stopped. I got more adventurous as a teen and I’m better as an adult, however there are still certain textures/tastes I really can’t eat. (Anything mashed/pureed, creamy, fatty meats or eggs is off limits.) I have a very strong gag reflex and I can’t physically get it down. Serving me stuff I didn’t eat, just meant I was hungry and then binged when I could, which doesn’t set you up well for eating habits.

DD1 eats most things, DD2 is more like me. We always make sure there’s food she eats and give her a tiny amount of anything we’re having to try, but it’s fine if she doesn’t like it. We’ve explained that taste buds change and to keep trying as you may like it one day. She’s now happy to try most things and I noticed a few weeks ago that she’s really come on and we’re now eating the same meals most of the time. (Although all sauces except pesto must be separate!) She is still very limited with vegetables but thankfully with frozen veg that’s easy to cater for.

I would definitely look into AFRID. DD is fussy but couldn’t care less which brand her chicken nuggets are!

I was a very fussy eater, probably ARFID as mentioned above. What I wish was my parents had just let me eat what I wanted, when I wanted, how I wanted. I'm a super-taster with coeliac, so my early experiences of food were not great.

The absolute fear and revulsion I felt at eating a 'non-safe' food is hard to describe, but imagine an adult scared of heights being taken to a bungee jump three or four times a day and being told to jump.

It took growing up and being able to be in charge of my own meals and trying foods without having to, to grow out of it mostly.

Please:
Allow foods to be eaten seperately / not touching. Contrasting textures / temperatures were particularly challenging.

Place no judgement or expectation. This just emphasises the pressure on food and increases stress, making it even harder to try novel foods.

Don't watch like a hawk - food and meals are supposed to be relaxing and enjoyable.

Let them pick something they want to try at random every now and then, may surprise you. And if they don't want to try it or don't like it, no worries and move on.

They probably won't starve, but you can seek specialist help.if you are worried.

My mum forced me to eat “whatever they were having”. This set me up with a lifetime of food issues. She never stopped to find out what the issue was. Years later, I was discussing it with a dietitian and she did some tests and discovered I had CMPA, which often comes with a side of sensory and textural issues around food. This made a lot of sense to me as I had always avoided things that made me gag.

I never wanted to do that with my daughter. She ate what she ate, and as long as she was healthy, that was fine by me. She is now way more adventurous with food than I am. She will try everything, her dad makes meals which she will world down and I have something different. Things changed when she was about 9, she just decided that all by herself to try stuff. My thinking was, if she did have issues with food, me forcing that was going to cause major problems, and the harm if she wasn’t was minimal.

People will always insist it’s vitally important what food habits kids have, but as long as habits are healthy, it really doesn’t matter if they won’t try everything when they are young. Stop worrying about it, don’t make it a battle, do whatever gets her to eat.

How is their weight? If they are healthy weight i would gradually start pandering less to their wishes.

Do not make a fuss and do not make them eat anything. This is a child who is quite old so the habits will be really ingrained, it might take 2-3 years to really notice improvement. Ive done this with my DC from age 4 and tonight (now aged 6) she's eaten roast pork dinner & voluntarily served herself new potatoes (with skin on), roast pork, thin green beans, broccoli & peas. She added gravy on and ate the lot!

Involve DC in food preparation. Make clear they don't have to eat it but they have to help peel carrots, chop fruit, stir the sauce, have a go at kneading the dough. Touching and smelling the food without the pressure of being made to taste/eat it will help them reduce aversion. Encourage pretend (or real) cooking eg pasta buffet where you can mix up your own food (put dishes of pasta and favourite/safe foods like peas, sweetcorn, sausage and encourage self serving & mixing their own "recipe".

Example of changes you could make in small increments:

1. add one new/different item to the plate. Dc does not have to touch/eat but needs to accept them on the plate.
2. make a small presentational change. Different shape or colour of pasta. Cut the carrots a different way.
3. serve two foods touching & gradually move towards mixing
4. introduce new fruit flavours via juice blends or adding purees to yoghurt
5. make meatballs from chicken mince instead of pork.

stop snacks. They kill appetite for meals.

You have to remember it takes 15-20 exposures to make a change. That means if you offered the same 5 new vegetables, 1 each night every week, it might take 6 months to get those accepted (not liked) and that's if you are really, really consistent. When you say you've tried things and they "don't work" have you tried it consistently, repeatedly, for months? Because it doesn't work doing it four or five times. It takes months. It is really hard, changes have to be very slow & take months - you have to see it as a lifestyle change.

Do you all eat together round the table? They need to see you all enjoying varied foods.

I am also in agreement. My son is 8 and he is insanely fussy. From what I have read - the GP’s won’t do anything unless they are loosing weight.

I recently found the other day when I gave my son homemade nuggets - which he refused only a couple of weeks ago due to the look of them! that I left him with the plate and ignored him, he ate the whole plate of food. I couldn’t believe it!

I’ve offered different veg(carrots, sweetcorn, different root vegetables, green beans etc) every week since they were weaning. I try every night. We cook together, we eat together, no one else is fussy.

they are average weight and height. Slim built but healthy.

You really need to look into ARFID OP.

The very worst thing you can do is turn food into a battleground. It will only make things worse (I've seen it go horribly wrong with a child although luckily with expert help things did turn around eventually). Your child needs to be confident that they can eat their safe foods.

My advice for now would be to take all the pressure off by only giving them safe foods. Speak to your GP and try and get a referral for some expert help.

This is not just being fussy.

FWIW I had one child who really struggled with food (later diagnosed autistic and ADHD). I stuck with safe foods and offered other foods with no pressure. It took about a year before they tried anything. As an adult they have preferences but eat most things. Another was fussy due to sickness when small. I took the same approach and as a teen now, they are broadening the range of food they eat.

It is easier as they get older because they can see the reasons to try and eat more things. When they are young they just know they don't want to. Just because they have a limited range as a child doesn't mean it will be that way for ever.

It’s been proven that some people have more sensitive taste buds. This is what can cause fussy eating.

I was a fussy eater. I’ll eat anything now. But l clearly remember being forced to eat green beans and vomiting in my dinner.

I have a 15 year old that eats a balanced but limited diet - he would starve rather than eat something he didn’t like . The alarm bells ring for me when you say your DC doesn’t like things touching . Gu ramekins are great for keeping things separate on a plate ) I don’t think my DS has Arfid as he does now eat quite a lot of different things - I ended up making a list - but it is very regimented and there are good and bad days . At 7 though it was pasta or chicken nuggets with Yorkshire pudding and very limited fruit and raw veg.

Id say give your DC what they will eat , but keep trying tastes of different things - even if it’s not a normal family meal - for us that increased What DC will eat . Eg he won’t touch potato but will now eat a cheese stuffed jacket potato - that’s become a regular family meal , he now eats tofu so we have tofu based stir fries , He will eat lentil Dahl - so now I make that regularly . For my DS I think texture plays a big part .

I’m another who was effectively force fed as a child -( all I really wanted was to not eat meat) - so wasn’t going to inflict that on my child .

Mine were horrors at 7. I was mortified that their diet was so bad and they were so ridiculously faddy. I felt it looked like I didn't understand good nutrition. I had grown up being made to eat food I hated so didn't want to go down that route.

I tried to never knowingly serve food they genuinely disliked but I wouldn't tolerate them just being contrary about brands or pasta shapes. I also learned to accept that variety wasn't essential as long as they got the range of nutrients.

Around age 10/ 11 they gradually improved. Both adults now, one is quite a foody and the other a little less adventurous but eats most things. One thing that seemed to make a difference was that on a Saturday DH and I would eat later and have something special. They became curious and wanted to be included.

This very much sounds like ARFID.
I've got an adult child with it.

I'd look into ARFiD and/or possibly autism.

Where did I write anything about ‘forcing’? How would anyone even do that?

That’s just cruel.

if it is ARFID.. my 'guidelines' as a mum who has a now 19yo with it.

don't make meal times stressful, cook what they will eat, do not comment on it.

make other foods available on the table, if they ask to try, let them, do not comment on it.

ask if they want to try stuff, if they say no, check they're sure, leave it at that.

involve them in shopping, ask that they stay around while you cook, talk about food with them.

Encourage them to smell/touch things without tasting, with no pressure.

never, ever, EVER punish or tell them off for not eating things.

never, ever, EVER make a huge thing of them eating anything new, however much you want to.

The first rule of food in ARFID club, is we do not comment on Food in ARFID club.

Basically, as long as they're eating, the nutritional value is secondary, its just important they eat. Feed them what they eat. If they're eating, their body will get what it can from it, if they're not eating, you have problems.. so feed them what they will eat.

My son hasn't willingly eaten a vegetable or a fruit in his whole life.. we get some in via fruited bread which he will eat, and we get some in via spaghetti sauce. He has to take a daily multivitamin.

I really want to emphasise the comment about not making a huge thing of them eating something new, because it seems so contrary to everything you usually do with children (praising the behaviour you want them to learn to do more of).

If I wanted to try something, I wanted to maybe poke the tip of my fork into a new sauce and lick it off. I did not want attention on that from my mum of “well done! You tried it!”. I can’t explain why, but I wanted zero reaction about me eating. It wasn’t something that I did where I then thought “didn’t anyone notice how well I did trying that!”

exactly, he'll let me know if he wants a thing made out of it.. like there's been a few times my DS has told me he's tried something at school/college, and i've gone "Ooh, awesome, well done!" but its said with the same enthusiasm i greet being told he remembered to brush his teeth.. like.. yay, not YAAAAAAYYYYY!!!, yk? lol. then i move the conversation on.. its acknowledged because he told me, but i don't make a big thing out of it.

Having been an incredibly fussy child (a combination of being a super taster and having textural issues with certain foods) I can't stomach (pun intended) the idea of my kids rarely actually enjoying a meal, so we often cook separate versions of a meal for each child, then we have something different.

We have allergies and sensory issues to contend with, as well as kids that get hangry, so we have made a conscious effort not to make food a pressure point. It is a but more work (although they all pitch in) but I'd rather spend the time doing that than stressing over how much they have eaten, cooking food that they really don't want, and endless discussions over whether they are going to try something new or not (usually if we're discussing it, rather than them trying willingly, the answer's 'not').

I remember the sinking feeling of another evening trying to force down food that I didn't like and I'm not really sure the intended ends justify the means.

Especially since I still don't eat most of the foods that I was expected to eat as a child, but I have expanded my repertoire way beyond my parents' tastes through experimenting as an adult.

So far, my approach has worked well with my kids - they've all been through fussy phases and phases of being more open to the idea of trying new things and they all have reasonably varied diets so far. Apart from anything, they do sometimes get bored of their safe foods and try something new spontaneously!

This book by Bee Wilson called First Bite How We Learn to Eat may help
First Bite

It completely changed how I deal with meal times with my children.

@narnia2025

to be fair that makes sense to me. certain vegetables go with certain meals. Eg sweetcorn can be in a cold pasta salad but having hot sweetcorn with a pasta meal is wrong.

roast peppers mushrooms can go with rice but not pasta or potatoes.

my daughter is ND and was very fussy on food. She is better now.

she spent a lot of time just eating pasta with peas and grated cheese. She also would only ever eat walkers ready salted. Chicken nuggets - a chicken nugget is not a chicken nugget - she can tell the different between brands on all sorts of things.

she also separates her food. She doesn’t like ‘wet’ food getting into other food a lot of the time.

She is a lot better now but has to be in the mood to eat something and if we don’t have that it will take a couple of hours until she can work an alternative.

I have 2 kids. oldest extremely picky (ARFID), youngest eats most things. Both brought up exactly the same (family meals, lots if exposure etc)
All these people showing off with their kids being good eaters - they got lucky, they just don’t know it.
Oldest at 12 is now getting slowly better.

I agree that it sounds like AFRID. You need specific medical advice. I believe my daughter has is, she has lost about 10 pounds in 4 months, it doesn’t sound like a lot but when you consider she is a child so shouldn’t be losing weight and her current weight is 5 stone 4lbs.

We were a all eat the same (veggie and none veggie options of the same meal) around the nicely set table, with candles and chat about our day. Now she eats in a seperate room, what she wants and additional meals at different times. We’re trying eating in front of the TV now.

As a child she ate everything except mash, porridge and spicy food. Now it’s the amount of food and type of food although not the typical chicken nuggets and chips, although she will eat them if given them. What works well for DD is crunchy textured food.

Agreed. I was (and still am but less so) a very restricted eater as a child. But my mum is a great cook who always cooked from scratch, involved us in the cooking, we always ate together, and she cooked a huge variety, and there’s nothing my older sister won’t eat.

I was whar would be called a "picky eater". Some tastes and textures made me literally want to vomit. Meat fat was a trigger. I used ro dread my mother's baked chops. It was grayish soggy chop wit no fat trimmed off sitting in fatty liquid with a few overcooked vegetables. Every meal was a battlefield with my mother turning into a banshee banging on about starving children in India who'd be grateful. I privately doubted that anybody would be grateful for the dreadful slop. Almost all vegetables were overcooked - cabbage was green slime. I will say my mother was wonderful in many ways but her cooking was awful.

I actually turned into quite a reasonable cook. No heavy fatty meals though. I also escaped the scourge of high cholesterol in my mother's family. Of course one of my own children was an incredibly picky eater. I tried never to push about food and tried to find things he would eat - from about 6 years old he was entirely vegetarian. Now in his late twenties he is an adventurous vegetarian with a wide ranging diet. I am not a member of the school of thought that if you starve them enough they will eventually eat it and learn to love it.