Am I dealing with fussy eating dc wrong

[narnia2025]

I am at point where I don’t know what to do with dc.they are incredibly fussy.
this is the only foods they eat
chips- have to be straight cut, can’t have skin on
nuggets- has to be birds eye and battered
fishfingers- has to be Birds Eye
pasta- has to be penne
meatballs- can’t be any other type of meat and pasta, sauce and meatball have to separated
sausages occasionally
broccoli
peas
blueberries can’t be mixed with anyhing
bread and butter can’t be toasted
cheerios
walkers crisps- has to be ready salted

at their dads they will basically be giving exactly what they want and are giving their own dinner per request.
I cook the family a meal which has atleast one thing I know they will eat but sometimes it is mixed in.it can take up to an hour for them to eat and mostly it’s just picking. I really don’t want to just give them the same foods as their siblings eat a great varried diet so don’t want to limit them and also worry that dc will not have enough nutrition. If I give in will they just never eat a normal diet. I feel like I’m at my wits end and getting stressed every mealtime. Has any parents dealt with this level and aibu to just keep giving them what we eat in hopes they will just start eating more.

My whole family is like this. We are autistic with sensory issues and all have certain safe foods. Multi-vitamin gummy bears or chewables is how you not worry about nutrition.

Butter sandwiche occasionally will let me put ham in it but again as to be a particular ham
ready salted crisps
bluberries

everyday. Same lunch no change. Try to put an extra thing in it won’t touch it.

This (with a small pile of grated cheese) is a regular meal for my 7yr old who has ASD and ADHD.

If you can get the major food groups and a reasonable amount of fruit and veg into them then I wouldn't worry too much about how you do it.

As long as they're eating do what works for you.

I was thinking ARFID too. You say you have other unfussy children so is this just fussiness or something more?

Same meal on repeat is very autistic

I’ll have to look up afrid as don’t know anything about it.

we are all very good eaters. My two year old will eat all different curries and stews. We all will eat and enjoy different types of food so it is very different with dc.

I can't say whether your approach is good or not as there's not enough info.

So, you're serving them the same as you with a "safe food" in the mix somewhere.
Then you jump to "it takes an hour to eat". Why? Are you telling them they have to eat it? Are they just slow about it? What happens if they refuse food?

What I can say is that you getting stressed is perfectly normal and understandable but it is, unfortunately, deeply unhelpful. You being on edge will make your child on edge and so food will only have associations with fear, tension, and discomfort.

You need to find a way to take the pressure off everyone. Maybe try a few mealtimes where he only has the option of what you're eating and he can eat what he wants and leave what he wants. If he's genuinely not eating anything then maybe offer the main meal in a "serve yourself" style in the middle of the table and the option of one of his preferred foods alongside thats available to everyone. Do not comment on what or how much he's eating - positively or negatively. Food is neutral. Family time and conversation at the table is valued above how much food is consumed.

I would say that the specific brand thing and things not being mixed does sound like it's a deeper problem than just being fussy though.

My brother was a bit like this (including noticing when his preferred pizza brand changed the recipe for their sauce) and my parents just let him eat his "safe foods". He realised sometime in secondary school what a negative effect his dietry restrictions had on his social life (eg being anxious about food on residential trips, having to explain to new people that he only wanted chips in a restaurant etc) and felt it was time to start trying new things. As an adult he began to learn to cook and how to apply food science and this further broadened his diet. He can now pass for normal! He can host friends and family for meals that aren't just pizza and he can always find something substantial on a menu that he likes. However, he still eats to live rather than truly enjoying food and his appetite is small.

This is to say, that as long as he's eating something and food has positive associations he'll be okay. But there may be approaches you can take to make you all more comfortable.

Your dad used common sense. How do you get your children used to new foods if you never offer them? I don’t know what the alternative would be. Giving them only what you know they’ll eat doesn’t widen their tastes.

It may be child dependent but as a parent it’s your job to keep offering everything.

My DS was the same. Had a list of food that he would eat, so that’s what I cooked or gave him. I would introduce new food and just pop it in the side of his plate. If he ate it (not often) great, if he didn’t I just didn’t say anything.

I started with trying all sorts - bribery, encouragement, hiding or mixing in food. None of that worked, so I just chilled out and tried not to make a big deal out if it.

He started to try a few different foods by the time he got to 18 and I now just casually say ‘fancy a bit of this’. He has really increased the different types of food he now eats. I now take him to different restaurants and he will try new stuff, but I still make sure there are a couple of safe options for him.

My dad used common sense? We're fairly close now and I don't hold it against him, but for years I would literally be unable to eat new foods because it would send me into a panic attack or a meltdown and I'd be sick. It is child dependent. I can offer my son new foods as much as I like, but I know for a fact that he won't eat them.

Edited to add: common sense, to me, would be him accepting that I was very restricted on what I could genuinely eat, and allowing me to try new things in my own time. It took up until my current age (27) but now I can try new things and 9/10 times not end up crying.

They pick at it or just say they don’t like it. I try to try and encourage but we end up just sitting at the table for ages with them not wanting to eat asking for bread and butter or chips until I finally give up and give it to them.

This obviously won't work if there are arfid type issues at play but your reference to their dad indulging them gives me the impression you think it's not. Only you know if you think it's health related or not.

I'm a big fan of not the French approach. Don't worry about safe foods. Just serve what you serve, if they eat they will, if not they go hungry. No alternatives, but no coaxing or berating either. Just ignore them completely. Clear up and move on.
No snacks until the next meal. Rince and repeat.
At the moment they get your attention by being fussy and can continue doing so because you are giving safe foods.

I was an extremely fussy eater. Luckily my parents were kind and didn’t fuss the issue. When people did the upshot was often that I ended up throwing up. At about 12 I had a moment (that has entered family lore, because I had been that much of a pain) where I suddenly found that I wanted to eat pigs cheeks in a restaurant in rural France. I now eat a more varied diet than many adults. I still can’t face a few things…probably psychological as they’re classic kids food (baked beans and scrambled eggs being the obvious ones).

Edit: What I’m saying is that if the rest of you eat well then forcing the issue may just end in disaster where gently leaving be is much much kinder, particularly as there is currently a healthy range there.

I'd be over the moon with mine eating pasta and peas😅 my little one won't even touch cooked food anymore. He's got major sensory issues with food. You can't force him to eat so honestly, take the pressure off and be glad that he's eating some healthy stuff at least.

I’d start with the food they want and then encourage a try of a new food, sitting for ages pressuring them is making dinner super stressful for him. More stress than it is for you.

Well based upon your list they eat more and better than mine do! It's gutting for me as I am desperate for them to eat a healthy, varied diet but I am really trying to relax about it. As a child I was a fussy eater and my mother consistently tried to force me to eat things I refused - to the point of physically forcing things into my mouth ending up with me vomiting very neatly onto my plate. She couldn't accept her own actions caused it and learned nothing from the experience. As I got older I naturally started enjoying more and different foods and from about 18 would eat pretty much anything. The only foods I'm not interested in now, predictably enough, are the ones my mother used to insist upon the most. Funny that...

Based upon this I ask my children to at least try anything I cook. If I see them make a genuine effort to try something, even just one mouthful, and they insist they don't like it, then I let it go and do them something beige. My mother's actions led to lots of reluctance around food and if she'd just left me to it a bit I'd have grown out of it sooner and cleaner so I'm hoping that's what mine do.

The alternative is you have a serious problem with something like ARFID, for which you should seek professional help.

I was an incredibly fussy eater as a child which led to endless dinner table battles with my DM. From being a student onwards I was really open to new foods and embraced them.

My own autistic DC has very limited safe foods and we decided you know what its just easier to give him what he will eat. The rest of the family eat well and varied foods, we all love to cook and bake. But it takes the stress out of mealtimes. We always offer DC new foods or whatever we're having, no stress. And don't make a fuss if he independently asks for something new or says he tried a new meal at school. Multivitiams help ease the worry too.

There is a good kids dietician on instagram called ‘kids eat in colour’ and I think her approach to fussy eating is really good - realistic and manageable.

I followed some of her ideas for my boys. Both went through a very ‘beige stage’ but gradually improved. DS8 will now eat things I make for the family like chicken and bacon pie, salmon and rice, spag bol, meatballs, most veg (with gravy), chicken fried rice. DS4 is gradually building up what he’ll try but is definitely better than 18months ago.

I think for me it is more how specific it has to be I get not liking things but if I were to serve up fusilli pasta with meatballs they will completely refuse. If I get the wrong chips so they are crinkly or have some skin on they say no. If the broccoli were tender stem for example they wouldn’t even consider trying it.

Mine ate everything when tiny then got increasingly fussy. I just went with what she would eat, made sure some fruit and veg was thrown in there somewhere and involved her in cooking a lot. There was a lot of plain pasta and chicken nuggets. She could e.g. knock up a lasagne but would not eat it. She would gag at the table if I tried to get her to eat something she didn't want to. I tried to never to make a thing about it. One day we were on holiday and she ordered and actually ate lasagne in a restaurant to my complete (happy) amazement She wouldn't touch pizza until her teenage years where peer pressure seemed to have an effect, though she could make one. From 16 she mostly cooked for herself and since she went to Uni she has completely changed and will happily eat sushi, quinoa, chinese and indian food, things with a sauce....

I think at some point you have to accept that this is the way your child is. I really don't think they're doing it just to do it - there obviously is a deeper issue here (such as ARFID, or autism, like others have suggested) and you need to focus on the foods they do eat rather than the ones they don't. It is so hard, I know. But the more stressed out you get, the more stressed your child becomes. If you're laid back about it, you'll have a higher chance of success

IME it was going to uni that sorted the fussy eaters out, sorry you might have a long wait!
I tried cooking the same family meal for everyone, it didn't work. Pies were acceptable, casseroles were not, but the casserole stew in a pie dish with pastry on top was OK - I couldn't keep it up. My DH (who mostly worked part-time) took over the cooking and basically cooked three different meals every night for years. He said he couldn't stand the aggro......My contribution was to insist on a side plate of raw veg or salad (carrot sticks, cucumber etc) with the meal, and also fruit before sweet puddings. Both the now adult DC are incredible cooks, their culinary skills amaze me. But one did have a go at me the other day for 'making us eat raw mushrooms'. Apparently no-one else they have ever encountered has ever eaten raw mushrooms. Looking back I am surprised I succeeded with the salad side plates, and it clearly has never been forgotten.

Do you think they are trying to control you through that behaviour?
Or is it sensory issues?

I think the cause would change a lot to how you respond. At some point you have to be prepared to let them not try and ignore it, potentially going hungry a little bit.

I think some of it is texture

but a lot of it is literally looking and going nope wrong as there is a slight difference. We can’t eat out due to it for example as if they brought out the wrong chips that don’t look exactly how they want they will refuse.

This is absolutely perfect.

There’s no point feeling guilty about giving your child food they like as if they’re missing out. I also stopped eating due to the pressures and prior to that, regularly went to bed with no tea. I eat so much now but it’s as I’ve got older and as I’ve decided I want to. If my parents forced me, there would be so many connotations associated with that food I wouldn’t bother.