To not invite ex on day out with the children?

[NewCoparent]

We’ve just recently separated and have 2 children together. I have arranged to take the children to a theme park the day after my son’s birthday as a gift to him. My ex is saying it is cruel of me to not invite him on a day out especially one so close to their birthday.

We did decide when we split that we would do some family days out together still, like the usual going to see Santa and pumpkin picking but they think it should be all days out.

He can jog on!

Nope, no playing happy families

Nope, tell them to jog on 🏃🏻‍♂️

Start the way you mean to go on.

I think that if you did agree that some family days would be done together (odd decision IMO, but you say you agreed), then I’d assume that a birthday trip would be the kind of thing that would come under that agreement tbh.

What does your son want OP?
There lies the answer

You're split up.

You should be doing things separately with the kids. Being together a lot is just going to confuse them.

He can have his own special days for his kids. Does he just want to horn in on yours so he can take credit for your work in setting up the theme park day?

Personally a clean break is better. I think it’s confusing (and u can unfairly get their hopes up) when separated parents do joint days with DC

He doesn’t know about it because it’s a surprise.

Is it a birthday trip though? It’s not on his birthday but I am gifting him it as a birthday present. We won’t be celebrating his birthday there so I don’t see it as any different to going at any other time of the year?

Cruel to who?
Your ex - not your problem. You're split up.
Your DC - cruel to continue playing happy family on days out together after a recent separation.
I'd tell ex you've had time to think about the joint family days idea and realised it's not in DCs best interest.

Ex is spending the whole of the birthday day with our son btw and doing the party supervising on the birthday too (his choice)

No personally I think it’s confusing for the children who may then harbour ideas you might get back together. You aren’t a family unit anymore so family days out - unless it’s the child’s graduation or wedding aren’t really appropriate. You think you are amicable now but that can easily and quickly change so it’s best to have boundaries in place from the beginning

The whole point of separation is to that you don't have to spend time with the other person.

He's either very confused or emotionally manipulative.

No, best for the DC if you have separate days out - then they get twice as many.

Let’s see how many trips ex actually arranges….

I’d say a trip that is the child’s birthday present is a birthday trip.

Generally speaking I don’t think you’re unreasonable. I just don’t know why you’d agree to do family days out if this wasn’t the sort of thing you were thinking, that’s all.

This is probably a good indication that your agreement won't work.

It's better to set boundries early on imo.

Maybe after a year or two of not having family days out and both of you are in a better and more secure place you can have the odd day out as a family, but this early on it will be confusing for the kids and you both.

It's very likely that you will be the one putting in all the effort to sort these days out and he will merely show up as well, if you're going to do all the grunt work for him you would have been as well stay in the relationship.

Sounds like your ex doesn't get it.

You've split. Yanbu to not invite him/her to spend the day with you.

We were quite clear when we made that agreement that it was just things we already do every year. He says because I didn’t specifically say it wouldn’t be all days out then how was he to know but we definitely said things we already do so I’m not sure why that needed to be specified.

it’s one thing for him to be a the party but this trip in my opinion is something different. It’s your gift to your son. Surely he cannot expect to be doing joint gifts??
I also agree that moving forward might be best not to do”family” outings as this could well be confusing for your son

My ex used to steal pictures and post them online like he had taken them himself

He tried playing happy families once basically ambushed me on his time with the kids said let's get McDonald's so I bought myself and the children McDonald's....not him, my eldest son felt VERY uncomfortable and asked not to do it again (and yes he was expecting me to buy him food) then he dumped the kids on me and left he told everyone I refused to let him take the children? All this because my son let it slip i was in town that day

Being friends rarely works

He’s just going to have to get used to it 😬

I agree going forwards the agreement might not work out because his understanding of the agreement is waaaay off what we said and it’s just going to get confusing and cause arguments.

I made the original agreement because he doesn’t drive and a lot of the things are tricky to get to on public transport but now it seems I may have accidentally signed up as taxi driver

Time for a new agreement. He manages his time. You manage yours. No chauffeuring.

You get he's really overstepping here. You're going to have to put up really strong boundaries to stop that.

His not driving is no longer your problem.

How old are the DC? Would someone else be going with you to the theme park? I only ask because some need a 1:1 ratio for rides - we took DC’s friend to Legoland many years ago and hadn’t realised, 3 children under a certain age or height and 2 adults was an issue.