To not invite ex on day out with the children?

[NewCoparent]

We’ve just recently separated and have 2 children together. I have arranged to take the children to a theme park the day after my son’s birthday as a gift to him. My ex is saying it is cruel of me to not invite him on a day out especially one so close to their birthday.

We did decide when we split that we would do some family days out together still, like the usual going to see Santa and pumpkin picking but they think it should be all days out.

Playing happy families can be really detrimental to your children understanding the fact that you have split and give false hope that it may be temporary. This happened to my step children who had an absolute meltdown for about 4 years because both their parents didn’t have defined boundaries. Both thought that they were together but just lived in separate homes, it took years to fix. Don’t do this to them. It’s absolutely great to have a good parental interaction with your ex, but keep the boundaries defined.

Try not to give him any information about what you do on the days you take them out ( I know that's hard sometimes)
Half term is a week/two weeks.. plenty of time for him to plan his own day out with DS

Stick to the original agreement if you must.

You have not been cruel. He is being manipulative because he wants to come along. If you were going on a far less interesting day out that involved visiting relatives he would not care.

Learn the grey rock technique and practice it. Here I'd just say something like "we agreed to continue family days that form part of our family traditions. I'll be in touch 2 weeks before the next one to make arrangements"

I think the idea of family days out is sound but it's way too close to the seperation and he has proved it by guilting you into want he wants.

Tell him you both need a bit time to the let me dust settle before you can start doing days out.

If you had one of those men who expected you to be their support human in all aspects of life, IME it can take them awhile to realise that you aren't going to keep performing that role for them post-separation. And they'll get quite emotional about it when reality hits. Stand firm, he'll get there in the end!

Haha, my ex asked if he could have a key to my house......no.
Does he understand what divorce means?

I remember my ExH and I were planning to do this.

Looking back it was a ridiculous idea that we did it once and then stopped.

No one separated for any length of time does this.

stop telling him what you are doing and learn to say no. Even the events you now think will be good to continue, What happens when he meets someone new and wants to being her too? It is better in the long run to stop acting like a couple.

So he is moving the goalposts so that any nice day out you plan - he feels he has the right to come along to, too.

I bet he doesn't plan to return the favour and would get mad if you tried to muscle in on his time and plans with DC using the same argument.

You and your child have a life, now, that excludes him. And vice versa. He needs to accept that.

Typo edits

YANBU, you need to start building a family of 3 without ex. He can do the same in his time.

Why dont you resign from the position of taxi driver?

He could learn to drive and take responsibility for getting himself places now he's single.

I think if you want to do this thing without ex then that’s the right thing to do. Kids will feel the vibe if the parents aren’t happy. You also need to start as you mean to go on. Obviously there will be times when you will need to be in his presence and it’s good if you can get along, and it’s nice to share things like birthday parties when they’re little, but I think the most important thing is sticking to your own boundaries. The kids won’t know any different.

Every time you do a family day, the children will be hoping it’s a sign that you’re going to get back together. It’s like when a couple split up but meet up as “friends”. Every single time, the dumpee will have their hopes raised a little bit and go home with their heart a little bit more broken.

It’s better to have a good long break whilst they adapt to the change.

Yanbu. It's just what happens when you seperate, days out are done seperately as are alot of things. We wouldn't invite SD's mum on days out with us and we wouldn't expect her to invite us on days out. We do our own things.

He accused you of being cruel - is he 12? I would tell him if he's going to try and police any activity you do with the children and muscle his way in, then the idea of joint days out from time to time just isn't going to work.

How are you doing OP? 💕

I had a gal pal who was like this, I am no longer friends with her because of her shenanigans 😠
She wanted to do family time with her DD and her ex (DD's father). Let's call him Bob.
Now Bob was a decent guy (still is) and he proper doted on daughter 💙
She pined for her ex (Bob) and was hopeful for a reconciliation every time they had family time. He let her call the shots, as he didn't want his access to his DD denied.
That was his first mistake. 😔

Because he met someone else and she still insisted on family time, or being present while he took their daughter on trips out. Otherwise she would deny access, and have tantrums. It was MENTAL 🤪

Guess what? A few years later she met someone else herself and suddenly she didn't need the family time (of her, DD and ex) to continue. Strange hey? 🧐
It was never about her DD, and making memories. It was about her all along, feeling included and keeping tabs on her ex. It was very manipulative. 😔

Put your foot down and get some boundaries ASAP. Because if you both meet other partners, this set up will not work and the kids will suffer. All for the sake of making your ex feel more included/ comfortable.
Nah 👎