To think about baby #3..

[PumpkinCinnamonSpice]

We are very lucky to get exactly what we ordered, a little boy followed by a little girl. Perfectly healthy and we’re very blessed.

I’m 37 now and currently not on contraception - he pulls out which I know the risks. We’re at a point I feel where I don’t want to be on contraception with all the issues it brings so it’s either try for another and last, or him have the snip.

DS is 9 and DD is 4 and in her last year before school - the thought of her going to school and me being home for the first time without a baby or toddler (DD was born days after DS started reception) for the first time in almost 10 years is breaking my heart, as much as I’ve wished for days to myself over the past 10 years!

Part of me thinks should we have another given my age it’s probably the last chance, we can afford it, we know what we’re doing, will we regret it if we don’t..

another thinks we have 2 perfect children, what if this time we aren’t so lucky etc and do I use getting some time back to retrain etc.

opinions or experiences would be appreciated!

My only observation is that change can be difficult but this wouldn’t stop that change happening, it would just delay it another five years. Good luck with your decision.

Personally, if I were you I would count my blessings and stop at two. You have two healthy children. What would you do if the third was disabled?

Totally with you on this! I am freaking out at the prospect of not having a wee one at home as well, and youngest is only 2.5! Very wise post from person above said change would only be delayed if you have another... But if you can afford it and you're both on board then why not?

How vulnerable are you making yourself with another 5 years not working if your marriage broke down?

As for contraception, it seems a bit of an excuse. What will happen after number 3 if you go ahead? You'll still have to come up with a solution then.

Just had my third and she fits in just perfectly.

I've got 3 kids and it feels perfect.

BUT why are you leaving it to chance, rather than talking about it and making an adult decision?

Also, if the thought of being home alone breaks your heart, what's going to happen when you have a 3rd and that one starts school?

Have you thought about filling the void by going back to work?

I wouldn't. Lots of contraception options also, there'll be one to suit you.

If you can afford it and are both on board then go for it! There is no rule you have to stick at 2.

I have 2 with similar age gap but I think sadly we won't go for 3 as I had DD at almost 37 and 39/40 just feels a little old to me to go again personally. Not that I might not change my mind/ try and work on DH.

It's not just about money, it's also time. We decided to stop at 2 so we could devote enough time to both children, I know other peopke cope with more, but hvaing spent the last decade taxing around to training, horse riding, driving lessons, supporting with exams we definitely made the right choice for us both.

I think you both need to discuss and agree if you want another one and either go for it whilst stil young enough, or have DP have the snip, as you just seem in limbo at the moment.

Do you not go to work?

I also don't understand issues with contraception; most people use it quite happily and it's more reliable than coitus interruptus.

Be glad of your two children, you are blessed.

You haven’t given any compelling reasons for having another child or the benefits to the child. The only reasons you give are that you will have a broken heart with no baby / toddler at home ! This is not a sound basis to have a third.

As said above you haven't given enough compelling reasons for a 3rd. It's natural to feel sad at changes and a sense of grief but I don't think the answer is a 3rd child. In a few short years, they'll be at school too and then what? Try for a fourth?

You will always reach a point in parenthood where your kids grow up and the pre-school years are over. I'd say learn to embrace where you are now and the positives this can bring.

Think carefully OP. I have three DC and my DC3 was by far the hardest - a non sleeping baby and then a very wilful determined toddler (the older two were fairly compliant). It was really hard! He's a lovely teenager now, but three teens is also challenging in different ways. I adore DC3 but I do sometimes wish I'd stopped at two.

I see this a lot. I'm not being aggressive, I'm just really not sure I understand it. Why have any kids at all? Why 2 and not just stop at the 1 'healthy' one?

A kid being born with a disability is a relatively low risk. The risk their disability is severe and seriously impacts their life forever is even lower. A lot of the risk is random (except obviously inherited genetic conditions, which is a different conversation) and just something that happens. Many disabilities are acquired rather than something you're born with.

I have two severely disabled children, they are extremely close in age and their disabilities were confirmed after they were both born already. It is just something that happens (rarely). Yes a lot of it has been fucking hard, but it is also difficult to know that people look at my family and think 'that's why I should stop at 2 kids, in case I get one like hers' (although realistically I do understand the massive impact a child like either one of mine does bring on a family).

It's just strange to me that someone would be doing their family planning and be thinking that they only want another baby if there's a good chance they'll get the right sort of human that they're after. There are no guarantees in life, disabled or not - I mean the child you have could be 'healthy' and lead a miserable and unhappy life, that's also a risk.

I would focus time and energy on your existing children and not bring another into the world or their lives just because you haven’t found your groove with the change of pace yet. Focus on that.

I would definitely count my blessings and stop at 2, especially given their ages!

You provide zero information on financials
or the health of your relationship

What would a third baby offer that you’ve not already got? And at what cost?

I think you’re making this too personal. It’s ok for people not to want disabled children, and it’s not a specific commentary on your own life and kids.

Most people here are catching on that OP is struggling to find her way after youngest starting school and pointing out it’s not the best reason to have another child – you’re just kicking the can down the road. If someone was asking who dreams of having a big family and has the time, money, space, support and energy, then the answers would be different.

You need to think properly about whether you really want 3. If you do then absolutely try to conceive rather than just risking it/leaving it to chance.
I would look at what I would see as the 'benefits' of 3 and would would be the possible 'problems'. From your post so far your benefit seems to be not being home without a toddler in the house - is that really a serious benefit? What happens when that child goes to school? From this I assume you are a sahm so could you gain valued from volunteering with children as an alternative?
You have also identified one possible problem already - any complications and the impact this would have on your other children.

Factors I would consider are - cost of living - prices keep going up, what lifestyle do you want and would this be impacted by a third (e.g. days out prices will cost more in the future or you also will face the issue of not all children wanting to join in, my friend has that issue with her teen not going on family days out with her primary aged children which I know makes her feel bad), housing, car, food bills....

Yeah, maybe. I still think, 'don't have another child on the off chance it might be disabled' is a bit odd though.

I desperately wanted a third and she was the sunniest and happiest baby, a gorgeous adult now. I could never regret that, no matter what financial hardship came along. I know others see it differently and I respect that.

I know it’s not the same at all, but I sometimes think about how Charles Dickens was something like the 10th child in his family - imagine if they’d stopped at 9 🤣🤣
I know, different times etc etc

Presumably because neither is an issue.

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