Dreading Christmas without DH

[pestowithwalnuts]

I lost my wonderful DH in April.
He always loved Christmas and so did I.
Now I'm dreading it .
He was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and i looked after him for a year before he died. My family tell me that they were so proud of me .. of how brave I was all that time..But just now it seems like it's coming to bite me on the backside.
I feel overwhelmed all of a sudden. and the Christmassy stuff is creeping in slowly..
I realise this is not a AIBU....I just wanted a hand hold I guess

I have nothing constructive to add really... I am sure everything you feel is 100% natural and normal, and to wish you all the love in the world.

Giving a tight handhold and a hug x

I'm also a widow, and I hear you loud and clear xxx

A big hand hold sounds completely reasonable to me, have a big hug too.
Christmas is a tough time of year, surround yourself with things that bring you joy.

I have a wonderful friend who lost her DH a few years ago - together they really did Christmas he often dressed up as Santa not hard as he was a big man with a big beard.
Now she goes walking or abroad at Christmas.

I’m so sorry for your loss. What would usually happen at Christmas? Can you do something completely different? My adult dc are angling to go away.

Do you have children?

Sounds horrendous OP I am so sorry. I can't think of a way to make it less sad for you all I cam suggest is surrounding yourself with loved ones x

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. Reach out to family and friends and take one day at a time. Let your self feel sad and realise for now that’s ok.

it sounds like you did a wonderful job taking care of your husband.

I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard and then anniversaries come, and this will be the first Christmas without your DH. You must do what feels right to you and celebrate it how you feel, and yes it will be very different and difficult but you will get through it. Don’t let anyone push you into the festivities if you don’t feel up to it. Think how would your DH want you to celebrate, do you have any faith to lean on. Do what feels right to you.
Sending you a virtual hug and hand hold.

I'm so sorry OP, I can only imagine what you must be feeling.

I know it's not the same sort of loss, and that this might not be an option for you, but we lost my Mum in May and none of us can stand the idea of spending Christmas at home without her so my sisters, Dad and I are all going away somewhere sunny for Christmas.
I have to get back for work in January but my sisters are going on somewhere else with Dad for another two weeks after the first destination too.
I think we might do this next year too. He mentioned New Zealand to me last night.
Christmas will never be the same again without Mum but we're planning to make new traditions together.
Can you go away somewhere you've always wanted to visit, either with people or not. Maybe somewhere where Christmas is a bit easier to escape?
Sending you a hand hold xxx

Sending you lots of handholds and hugs. Another widow here that hears you. Please surround yourself in the bosom of your family and friends and I hope that along with the tears you can spend time sharing memories and funny stories of your beloved DH. X

Could you plan a completely different Christmas this year?
This might help the feelings of dread as it approaches

I’m in the same boat, my sympathies are with you. I would normally be getting excited with the children at this time of year but am filled with dread instead.

From experience OP, all the ‘firsts’ following a bereavement are incredibly difficult. First Christmas, first wedding anniversary, first birthday, all really difficult. But it will get easier. Not so that you never feel sad again, but definitely don’t feel that overwhelming despair that comes with losing someone. You’ll get through this with support from friends and family. ❤️

It would be strange if you didn’t feel overwhelmed about it I think.

I think I’d have a sit and think about what you would like to do, all the options. And then think about how to facilitate that.

It’s not the same of course, but my dad died when I was 18 and we had always had Christmas at home and that first year we went to my mum’s brothers for Christmas. Then we went to Tenerife for new year. My mum, my sister and I. Both of these things were unprecedented. Especially the week in Tenerife. We had never done anything like that before but I look back on both events fondly now. It was nice to feel involved and busy on Christmas Day and also wonderful to have that time away, just the three of us together. What I remember is nit having to talk about my dad to other people that week. Not having to explain to strangers or to have to make other people more comfortable about what had happened.

My sympathies, I became a widow suddenly a few months ago. We have children, the thought of Christmas makes me want to vomit.

I wish this years could just be cancelled but simultaneously know I need to make it ‘happy’ for my children.
I hate this.

Sending a handhold

Do what you need to do to get through Xmas. It’s so hard, as others have said maybe something totally different, or do you want the comfort of being at home even if it’s hideous at the same time, my darling MIL very much went through the motions after losing FIL, that first Xmas, but she wanted us all there, even if it was difficult.

I do feel for you it must be very difficult.
Do you have children? If so they may be feeling the same as you about Xmas so maybe have a chat with them and ask them what they’d like to do?

So sorry for your loss.

Please tell people close to you how you’re feeling so they can support you.

another one voting to change your Christmas completely so it doesn’t feel like he’s missing. Going away somewhere hot and not Christian would be where I’d start.

(((OP)))

Op sending you the biggest of virtual hugs x

very different circumstances, but my husband died last October, so I absolutely understand. I did feel slightly better about it once I had made some plans, so at least I knew what I was doing. I spent New Year alone by choice. So my advice would be to work out what you will do, and it will pass.

Really sorry to hear this.

I think- to manage expectations- first Christmas after the death of a loved one is always going to be bloody awful. No way around it. From experience it will get better but it will never feel quite the same. I have a similar situation. That said since our family loss I have definitely found joy in parts of Christmas overall and in a way I can kind of appreciate the memories I have with them and the fact that Christmas brings them back more acutely. But I am further along than you.

I think- with the expectation that nothing is going to be amazingly effective- it is better to do something completely different the first year- as others have said. Holiday in the sun, walking near the sea, forgetting it’s happening if you can (Saudi??). I personally found that holing myself up and doing nothing made me feel worse so I was better keeping busy. But remember this will be the hardest and it will get better.

I lost my mum (while still young) at Christmas. We coped with the following year by making it as different as possible from previous years. Trying to follow the same traditions with an empty chair would have been too upsetting to contemplate. So my advice would be, firstly, keep your expectations very low. Focus on getting through. Try to think of how you can spend the time in ways that will give you some pleasure, which may or may not be 'christmassy'. Have a plan that will keep you busy if busy helps, and/or allows you space and peace with your thoughts and memories. The usual advice about focusing on your health and well-being being is also very important.
I'm so sorry for your loss and wish you peace in the now, and hope for happiness in the future.

Also- I am not sure if this helps or not, but saying it anyway- don’t be fooled that everyone else is having the time of their lives with a big, happy, healthy family. So many people have bitter sweet emotions around Christmas, either because they’ve lost loved ones, have tricky relationships with them or are lonely. So if you think you’re the only person feeling shit about Christmas, rest assured you’re not.