Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Dreading Christmas without DH

58 replies

pestowithwalnuts · 26/10/2025 06:57

I lost my wonderful DH in April.
He always loved Christmas and so did I.
Now I'm dreading it .
He was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and i looked after him for a year before he died. My family tell me that they were so proud of me .. of how brave I was all that time..But just now it seems like it's coming to bite me on the backside.
I feel overwhelmed all of a sudden. and the Christmassy stuff is creeping in slowly..
I realise this is not a AIBU....I just wanted a hand hold I guess

OP posts:

waitamo · 26/10/2025 10:31

I got through a very tough bereavement before Christmas by crying my guts out that morning in private for ages, and I was so full of snots and tears that I could hardly breathe. I'm sure it's the same for many of us. Anyway after all that sobbing, I said to myself, look X was a gregarious person, absolutely loved a party and family/friend gatherings so he would NEVER want me to be like this.

It helped me through and I kept thinking this is what he'd love, a get together. Don't get me wrong, I was subdued and a bit tearful now and then on Christmas Day, but his voice was in my ear all day. And family being so kind helped also.

My deepest condolences. No one can walk in another's shoes, but they can try!

missinghimalready · 26/10/2025 10:38

Also dreading Christmas here. DH is currently terminally ill and we’re not sure if he will make it until Christmas. DD is 6 so I cannot ignore it.

OpalSpirit · 26/10/2025 10:40

HoppityBun · 26/10/2025 09:59

Dear OP first of all I would like to express my heartfelt sympathy for you in the midst of the grief that you are going through. I hope that the following might assist but if it strikes the wrong note then please forgive me because I’m trying to pass on my experiences. I do understand a little of the pain that you’re going through and I’ve had the benefit of talking with a relative who suffered painful losses.

The first thing to say is that I was given wise words from my relative who had suffered trauma and grief. She said that the pain doesn’t go away you just learn to live with it and, in some way, it’s a measure of your love. Don’t look too deeply into that because I’m not saying that grief is good, but I am suggesting that at some point you will be able to accept that it is a part of your life.

The other thing I want to say, and I’m finding it difficult to find the right words, is that the mind plays tricks on you. It takes a huge amount of effort not to dwell on what has been lost and your mind keeps pulling you back to that. I’m not saying that one wallows in it but I have noticed - particularly when I’m tired or ill- that it’s very easy to slip into dwelling on what I no longer have. The trick is to turn that sadness into a feeling of love and gratitude for the fact that you had that relationship together and that they were in your life. I literally have to tell myself to do that and it does work, in an instant, but it takes practice and commitment. Sometimes one just doesn’t feel able to make the effort, but we do have a choice in the way we think and it’s helpful to remember that.

What you are so rightly realising, if I may say so, is that Christmas is going to be a vulnerable spot and that if you don’t take action now, you will spend the whole period comparing now with then and dwelling on that, almost wilfully inflicting pain on yourself, by remembering how things used to be.

I can’t suggest what might work for you, but I do suggest you guard against falling into that trap by making alternative arrangements and thinking patterns that will not allow you to do that, and by committing to notice when you start slipping into that. You do have to look out for yourself.

Sometimes, the love for what you have lost is so strong that you- I - want to dwell within it because you want to experience that life again and feel that love. But you can click out of it in an instant, incredibly, by changing how you think and telling yourself that you are thankful to have known them and who have had them in your life. That your life would’ve been poorer without them and that you accept their loss as a consequence. The trouble is, one so very often doesn’t want to do that.

I’m not really making a lot of sense but there are ways of thinking about what has gone and practical ways of protecting yourself from being in a situation where one is brooding constantly on how things used to be. It takes an effort of will. Please note that I am absolutely not telling you that’s how you’re feeling now is wrong and as I am not telling you not to grieve or that you should bury how you feel, that is not at all the message that I’m trying to convey.

The only other thing I would add, and I do urge this upon you, is that well meaning people will tell you about Kübler-Ross’s model of the stages of grief. These are complete hokum and research has disprove them many times: the idea can also be harmful. There is no set programme of how you will feel and there is no linear progression. You will feel different things at different times and you will re-experience feelings that you thought that you had moved past. Which is all ok.

My very best wishes to you

Thank you for your post, it makes a lot of sense to me. I have screenshot it and I will refer to it.

Thank you for taking the time to post, you have helped me

BiddyPopthe2nd · 26/10/2025 10:53

That is really hard and it’s lovely that your family are thinking so much about it too.

Fir yourself, knowing it will be different and allowing yourself to feel that but also wanting to pay tribute to your DH’s love of the season and elements that you like yourself, could you take some time in the next few weeks to sit quietly with a coffee and a pen/paper to write down what you both loved about the season - the decorations, the food, the events, the feelings, church services or music, presents, whatever it is. Be as specific as you can.

Then think about what elements of those you want to continue, even in the smallest way, this year. Next year might be different and you might go bigger. But, say DH used to string hundreds of lights outside - is there a favourite bush that you could wrap this year? Or if the house was decorated to look like Santa’s grotto, is there a favourite single element (the crib in the hall, a particular nutcracker on the mantle, a set of festive towels in the kitchen), that you would like to put out this year without doing the whole lot.

Or is there anything you would like to do that is different to mark the season - maybe having a long-lasting candle lighting in a candle-safe holder. Or making the effort to have the fire lit in the evenings but not watching the jolly programmes, but have a stack of favourite dvds or a book you’ve wanted to read to enjoy it by.

Or planning to have a constant supply of mince pies from a local bakery because you aren’t baking your own - but want to enjoy quiet coffees with your visitors still.

And, if it is not too much, it could be nice to find a lovely picture of DH enjoying a past Christmas that you can put in a frame - a happy memory to turn to in the sad days.

That may not be the clearest explanation - but it’s about thinking of the pieces that are most meaningful to you and how to make them still happen but in a way that is not too difficult this year. And allows you to honour your DH’s love (and yours) of the season without it being too distressing for you at the same time.

CrotchetyQuaver · 26/10/2025 10:56

I'm so sorry. I'm in the same boat, lost mine in May 6 weeks after he was finally diagnosed, 12 weeks after he became ill. It was a hell of a shock. He's always in our thoughts of course, but he cooked the Christmas roast, it's going to be so very different this year. However brave we all are (adult DD and a Fiancé, who was very close to my DH) it's not going to be an easy day. Also the week before is what would have been his birthday and our wedding anniversary which are the last of the "first without him" notable days. However much I try, it's starting overshadow everything else. The kids are the same and any attempt at early Christmas planning deteriorates into petty squabbles. We all miss him terribly as it is, these Big Days are very difficult.

hkathy · 26/10/2025 11:01

Another handhold op. So sorry.
Family friend was in a similar situation many years ago. She spent christmas and new year in Kenya, with a group. Something completely different.

Endofyear · 26/10/2025 11:14

pestowithwalnuts · 26/10/2025 09:53

Excellent advice..thank you..and thank you to all you mums who have given me advice and things to think about
You are all right..it won't be the same and never will again. Me trying to make everything the same isn't going to work.
My oldest Dd has just told me out to a lovely hotel for Christmas dinner...it's all booked.A lovely suprise.
My younger DD wants me to stay at hers on Christmas Eve.
My grandson will be home from Texas and I'm excited to see.

You have all made me have a good think...
I feel so selfish..it's not just me that will have a different Christmas..it's my dds and grandchildren too.
I'm sure we will work together to make it a different but happy time.
And all of you lovely mums who are in the same position as me...I'm thinking of you all and sending you a Christmassy hug.
Xx

Its ok to enjoy and take comfort from the company of your lovely daughters and grandson. It's ok to have some wobbly moments and cry and also take yourself off for a bit of solitude if you feel like it. You will all get through it and I'm sure have some lovely moments and some difficult ones. Sending you all lots of support and solidarity 💐

Justlikethattherearefive · 26/10/2025 11:17

So sorry for your loss. First Christmas definitely feels like a big hurdle and it weighs on you for so long because there are Christmas reminders everywhere for months before.

We lost my dad a few years ago (he was only 62) and my mum just wasn't in the festive mood. She struggled seeing everyone full of festive cheer when she felt so awful, had no shopping motivation etc. I say, don't put pressure on yourself to enjoy it or do the things you're expected to do. If you want to, great, if not then do whatever you fancy to get through it.

We decorated her tree because she wasn't going to do it and switched her warm white lights for multicoloured ones that my dad would have loved which cheered her up as a little nod to him.

My mum also found it really difficult to be in the house, especially Christmas Eve (just the thought of waiting for Christmas to arrive) so we took her out for dinner to get her out the house and it was a lovely distraction. It's become a tradition ever since.

We did have a family Christmas dinner that year and what helped was to talk about my dad (who was a massive Christmas fan) and the things he'd be saying or doing which brought a couple of smiles (as well as tears).

The point of my rambling is just a long way of saying to look after yourself and do only what you feel able, maybe a little something that brings you some comfort.

Flip

1 2 3