To ask for a little handhold, Feeling like shit

[Hotchoc12]

I'm basically asking for a handhold and feel pathetic for doing so.
I feel so, so lonely, just desperately lonely.

Had an argument with DH this morning, was shouty and unnecessarily nasty and our 4 yr old was here, heard us, saw me crying etc. Just horrible. I was maybe being unreasonable to start with, DH was going out for the day and I just resented him for it, which is wrong I suppose because it happens rarely, but I was angry because he managed to organise a day out for himself although he never organises anything for us or for me. He's a good dad and a decent human being, he is supportive but thoughtless and cannot take criticism and lets his anger take over (as do I sometimes to be fair).
I work long hours in a stressful job and I feel
like I'm missing out on time with DC (I already feel I've missed out on so much, I was back working 2 weeks after birth) and DH could help with this but doesn't, it's not out of malice, just thoughtlessness and lack of effort.
Everything has been addressed 100 times and although he is regretful, nothing ever changes.

I've got a couple of friends but none close enough or non judgmental enough that I could have a rant to about it.
I'm probably a judgmental cow as well deep down so I deserve it.

I took DC out in the afternoon and I caught sight of myself in a mirror, that also made me cry, I look like absolute shit, dishevelled, overweight, shit clothes, shit hair. Not really a money issue just absolutely no spare time and no spare mental space, basically given up on myself.

I'm also a hypocrite because I'm very much from the school of get on with it, shake it off etc and yet I'm sitting here tonight wallowing in self pity.

Well look, the shouting in front of your little boy is pretty bad, and it does sound as if your DH isn’t going to change at all, if you’ve had this conversation with him previously and yet nothing happens afterwards. So what do you do now? I think you need to start looking after yourself a bit. Because you don’t deserve a shit life where you’re being yelled at by your husband, and making changes will start with realising you deserve a lot more.

Oh darling you sound completely overwhelmed. I am so sorry you feel like this tonight.

I’m also having a shitty week. I’ve spent the whole day on the sofa feeling sorry for myself, eating lots, didn’t even get out of my pyjamas! I am a rotten tramp tonight

It all gets very overwhelming sometimes, doesn’t it? Don’t be too hard on yourself. We all fall short sometimes, are too hard on the people around us (and ourselves!).

Just write off today. It’s already gone to shit - and that’s ok. Tomorrow is a new day.

Can you have a calm chat with your husband tomorrow and talk about what happened today? If not, that’s ok too.

Please look after yourself. Everything passes and everything will be ok.

Hey, I’m so sorry you are feeling shitty. It sounds like you regret your part in the argument and recognise it wasn’t fair that your child say this. I can’t tell by your post if this was both of you shouting and swearing. I hope you feel safe and the shouting/nastiness isn’t frequent.

It’s so hard not to get resentful when we are feeling overwhelmed and tired. Can you try and plan something nice for yourself next weekend, while your DH takes the reins at home?

Just to clarify I wasn't being yelled at. We both raised our voices (bad I know but we are not perfect) but he was being nasty and sarcastic and the whole situation just upset me so I started crying, out of frustration and upset, not fear or anything like that.

I wouldn't have a better life a single parent as I would have even less time with DC, they would be in childcare for long hrs (I'd have to work) rather than being with DH.
90% of the time we are very happy and DC is a joyous soul who has had some fantastic experiences, just sometimes MY life feels really shit and relentless.

Ease your regret by starting off by apologising to both your husband and child. When you’re disregulated, it can feel like everything is against you but you’ve just got a lot on your plate. Hormones can also make us feel so unattractive, but it could be that you just need more tlc. You deserve to feel good about yourself, while living in a peaceful environment.

For work, can you cut down your hours or request a more flexible schedule? Could you even take a career break to get some time back? You’ve worked so hard but we’re not machines, you need that time with your children and you deserve it.

Be honest about that with your husband as you have here, and focus on how you can make changes to address some of your stress. Can you carve out more time for yourself and with your child on a regular basis, like mini date days for your child and gym visits for you? Maybe your husband can have a regular night to himself too to socialise?

give yourself grace and give him grace too. You’re both trying xx

Is it possible you could reduce your hours at work to get some time back either for yourself or time with your DC.? It sounds like your stretched too thinly and not able to spend time doing anything you want to. My DH is terrible at organising anything for us and I do all of that aswell. Is there anytime during the day that you could re allocate, like on an evening, less housework ect ?..also could you book a day off work? I have used 2 days of holiday this year to have time off just for me. I went to a spa and had a facial and massage and spent time in the jacuzzi. Sending hugs xxx

@HansHolbein thank you, your kindness made me ugly cry and I'm sorry you're having a rubbish time as well

Sorry but good dads and decent human being don’t make their partner feel like this, and upset them to the point they cry in front of their child. They just don’t.

Take care of yourself first. You can’t give, give, give to everyone else endlessly.

Hand hold here! You need a break. Apologies to Ds and Dh, get yourself sorted with a nice solo day out next weekend. Then develop v&d Monday if you’re short of leave. Enjoy a bath, do your nails and enjoy time with Ds. To be honest your Dh doesn’t sound v nice. Sarcasm is deeply unattractive in my book. Get to the bottom of why you rowed today and make sure he understands it’s not on going forward.
Do you really have to work the hours you do? Anything you can do time management wise to ease the pressure?

I can't do anything about work, it's complicated and probably sounds like bollocks, but I just can't. It's an all or nothing scenario.

I'd love nothing more than a coffee with a true friend or sister (which I don't have) who would just let me unload.

I once created a chart of how much spare time DH had and how much I had and showed it to him. I asked him to explain why it was ok that he had so much more time to himself than me.

It wasn’t that he was being deliberately unfair, it was that I kept stepping up and doing stuff along with working full time as the higher earner. Because I was doing stuff he assumed I was fine with it.

We agreed what needed to change and then I had to step back and let him do it his way, as long as it got done that was what mattered.

I've had a shit day too OP, in fact a shit week not helped by having a really shitty cold virus courtesy of grandchild. I'm really pissed off with DH who has been out all day, has come home over tired and grotty, and seems to think that I'm the fucking housemaid.

Tomorrow is another day.

I did apologise to DC. We had a nice day.

DH left after the argument, not back yet. I don't want to apologise to him tbh. I was in a bit of a mood this morning about him going out (which I appreciate sounds unreasonable and controlling), he asked me what's the matter, I told him that although I know he doesn't go out a lot and I try not to begrudge it, I can't help being resentful that he managed to organise his day out but is incapable of organising anything for us or sharing any of my load. He didn't like it and said I'm trying to pick on him and ruin his day, I got pissed off he didn't even try to understand my feelings, argument ensued.

Can you organise a day out for yourself or even just a half day? - something pampering like a nice massage & facial.
Or something like taking your DC somewhere where he can play & you can relax - but give your DH a list of things he needs to do whilst you’re out to take some of the load off you.
Does DH work long hours too?

I am so sorry you a feeling so negative. It is a hard place to be, and to get out of.

If you are genuinely happy as a family for the vast majority of time, then that's a positive.

I am sure you will get lots of good advice, but my suggestion is to make time for yourself.

Take a day of work as soon as you can, DC can still go to nursery that day, have the day to yourself. Whether you spend the day in bed, or investigating local gyms, or getting your hair and nails done or ringing around local WI groups to find one that meets on an evening, or googling local amateur dramatic groups, or finding if there are any evening volunteering locally (shelter, food kitchens etc) is entirely up to you. I don't know what floats your boats.

But you need to find time for yourself on a regular basis and interact socially with other people outside the house. It takes a bit of effort to do that, and can be scary to try to put in motion, but it won't happen unless you make it happen.

It's a bit of a vicious circle though, and I know from my own experience that although doing this does improve how you feel about yourself, it's actually hard to do if you don't feel that great about yourself.

Don't beat yourself up. Acknowledge this wasn't your finest day, and plan how you can make small improvements for your own wellbeing, one step at a time.

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude again complicated as it's not so much spare time as it is spare mental space.
He works but his job is easy and flexible. He then spends a lot of time, to be honest I would say the rest of his time bar work, with DC - drop offs, pick ups, after school activities, half term etc. - all activities / days out booked or bought or planned by me.
Has zero mental load and I mean zero.

Would do household tasks if asked and reminded to and to a shit standard, I'd rather not bother.
Everything has been discussed and addressed a thousand times.

Then tell him that. Make him responsible for school admin or all the birthday and Xmas stuff for his family and the DC etc.

DH took over school uniform and packed lunches for example. So he washed and ironed them and made the packed lunches.

What do you want him to step up and do? If you hint he won’t get it. Be explicit. Tell him you don’t have the headspace to be responsible for xyz so now it’s his job. Then step back and let him do it (and don’t step in and rescue the situation when he doesn’t)

Whilst I cannot fault his dedication to DC, that is very much facilitated by me.
For example, he will play a board game or something similar with DC instead of engaging them in cooking a simple dinner or giving DC a small activity to do whilst cooking dinner, or cook dinner by himself whilst I spend some time with DC playing.

I then cook dinner and end up having to catch up with work every evening, after still having spent no time with DC.

I have told him, I have been explicit. I'm just burnt out and yes resentful.
I can't even remember him a baby. That breaks my heart every day.

You may have to hold firm here and hand over a task and let him fail repeatedly. If he manages to hold down a job and organise his own days out, he is able to manage household tasks. He is just relying on strategic incompetence so you will step in.

Point out that it is disrespectful to you to deliberately try to turn you into his mother by expecting you to direct and police him completely normal household tasks.

I bet he sees you as stressed and uptight and himself as fun loving dad who hangs out either the DC.

You need to make a day for you plan a me day where you can unwind.
Life is hard.

Sweetheart, you have to prioritise differently. You have tried getting him to step up and see things from your point of view. He hasn’t.

You have to make the life you want, the same way he is. So organise your life around your work and playing with your DS. Let all the other balls drop. When Dc asks what’s for tea, say I have no idea, I’m having too much fun playing with you! Let’s let Dad be in charge tonight.

Don’t do the stuff. Join in with DS. When everyone is hungry, and your husband looks at you, smile back. All three of you can make dinner together, or he can go.

You have to stop stepping up.

@Hotchoc12

You are not to blame for any of this and it is really hard when you feel like you are on a treadmill and someone else is standing there just assuming you are fine.

Think about one or two small things you can implement straight away to give yourself a breather.

For example:
He cooks dinner two nights a week whilst you play with the DC. Right now it doesn’t matter if it’s frozen pizza or fish finger sandwiches. He cooks, he clears up and you spend time with the DC. If he tries to suggest he is helping you or doing you a favour point out that as a parent he is equally responsible for feeding the family.

Why should he get all the fun stuff and you get the drudge work?

As someone in the US who has had manage and cover for coworkers back 2 weeks after giving birth, you need all the care and support you can get from anyone in your circle right now. It takes a terrible physical and mental toll and doing to much too soon can cause problems with physical healing and from what I've seen, seems to contribute to PPD. Your husband needs to be home to give your body a rest. He needs to step up his husband and father game.

If you do start feeling depressed, please get screened by your doctor.

Use paper plates. Eat freezer meals, see if any friends or family can contribute some cooked meals and eat takeout. Drink lots of fluids and nap when the baby does when you're home. Husband needs to step up and do things like laundry. Hire a cleaning lady for a few weeks.

At work, hydrate while you're pumping, if you are. Ask for help if you need to. This is not a time to be stoic.