To ask for a little handhold, Feeling like shit

[Hotchoc12]

I'm basically asking for a handhold and feel pathetic for doing so.
I feel so, so lonely, just desperately lonely.

Had an argument with DH this morning, was shouty and unnecessarily nasty and our 4 yr old was here, heard us, saw me crying etc. Just horrible. I was maybe being unreasonable to start with, DH was going out for the day and I just resented him for it, which is wrong I suppose because it happens rarely, but I was angry because he managed to organise a day out for himself although he never organises anything for us or for me. He's a good dad and a decent human being, he is supportive but thoughtless and cannot take criticism and lets his anger take over (as do I sometimes to be fair).
I work long hours in a stressful job and I feel
like I'm missing out on time with DC (I already feel I've missed out on so much, I was back working 2 weeks after birth) and DH could help with this but doesn't, it's not out of malice, just thoughtlessness and lack of effort.
Everything has been addressed 100 times and although he is regretful, nothing ever changes.

I've got a couple of friends but none close enough or non judgmental enough that I could have a rant to about it.
I'm probably a judgmental cow as well deep down so I deserve it.

I took DC out in the afternoon and I caught sight of myself in a mirror, that also made me cry, I look like absolute shit, dishevelled, overweight, shit clothes, shit hair. Not really a money issue just absolutely no spare time and no spare mental space, basically given up on myself.

I'm also a hypocrite because I'm very much from the school of get on with it, shake it off etc and yet I'm sitting here tonight wallowing in self pity.

So you are working full-time, organising your DH’s time with DC and doing all the household work? With no support or let up? Be kind to yourself first of all. You are doing an amazing job and your husband should be pulling his weight.

You have basically got two children, except one of them is sufficiently adult to manage his job and to organise a day out for himself but default to learned helplessness on everything else.

I did it all as a single parent but I knew I was a single parent, I was not facilitating another adult to live a comfy life and have all the parenting time. There are parts of DC’s life I don’t remember, mainly the year after DD’s dad left when she was a baby.

I also understand the feeling that you cannot step off the pedal at work because I had a role like that for several years. But it’s not sustainable. Is there really nothing you can delegate or handover to someone else? Something has to give and you don’t want it to be you.

Sending you lots of support. It’s hard. I do hope your DH comes back having thought about things and makes more of an effort. Because what you have got is going to breed resentment.