Help from DH sometimes to get kids to weekend activities

[moana35]

How much help do you expect from your other half to get children to activities? My DH will sometimes agree to help and then let me down at the next minute.

We have 2 children at 2 activities tomorrow - one does drama and is at a rehearsal tomorrow another is at a football match in another town. The football match is another town 15 miles away so I really need to take my son there - he promised my DD he would take her to her rehearsal but something has come up that is more appealing for him and unfortunately I can't be in 2 places at the same time. I could ask someone else to take my son but I have to keep relying on people as he often lets me down last minute. DD can get a bus but as a sunday will take her 90 minutes on 2 buses. When they have double activities I work it all out way in advance and I had it all planned. He would take my son and I would take DD- he agreed to this but reluctantly and is now going to play golf so can't do it.

He has therapy a few years back and was told to stop being a 'yes' person when people ask him him to do things and only do things he wants to do.

He hates the pressure he is under at weekends to get the kids to places. I do everything and only ever ask if I need to get kids to two different things at the same time.

AIBU to expect a bit of help?

DH doesn’t help me at all. He does do 50% of the ferrying to activities/childcare etc at weekends, because they’re 50% his kids.

I never expected “help”

i expected that we would agree who was doing what and then trusted him to do it

if he thinks they are doing too much then he needs to tell them

and the golf clubs would be hidden

YABU calling it ‘help’

DH does his fair share of the parenting, at weekends and all other times.

We take it in turns each week and we don’t see it as him “helping” me. Because he’s not. He’s contributing equally to the family needs

DH doesn’t help - he parents. As a fully functioning adult and father he can organise DC’s attending activities, book their places, buy any necessary equipment and get them there on time each week.

Yabu to expect 'a bit of help', you should be expecting him to do his share of parenting. I'm sure his therapist didn't ever tell him it was OK to stop doing basic parenting responsibilities, often with no notice, meaning his kids can't do their standard activities or his wife has to do double her share - he is effectively turning you into a yes person.

Stopping being a yes person means not volunteering for crap because no one else does, not agreeing to favours for other people that massively inconvenience you or that you know won't be reciprocated, stopping accepting additional work outside contracted hours or responsibility etc. It doesn't mean letting your kids down and offloading all the responsibilities associated with parenting. Looking after kids and doing things for them isn't them imposing, it's a basic requirement of being a parent.

We have two kids and take one each when they have conflicting clubs, like every normal family..

He is a bit of an arse, his kids will remember these things where dad let them down as they get older.

DH takes DD to Rainbows immediately after work. I did offer but he likes to have a 0% in the pub with a book as he WFH during the day. I take DS to Squirrel Scouts as I run it. DH usually takes the kids to swimming lessons on a Saturday morning whilst I do jobs in the house. As it's in our nearest town (we are rural) I'll come and give him a hand if I need to nip into somewhere during the lesson. I often help out at the school PTA stuff whereas he doesn't so we are kind of 50/50. The difference being is my DH would happily do it all. His reason being he doesn't see much of them before or after school so wants to see their achievements.

Is he the kids Dad? That's the only way I can see how this helping nonsense makes any sense and even then he would be a prick.

He has therapy a few years back and was told to stop being a 'yes' person when people ask him him to do things and only do things he wants to do.

Start applying the same principles. Starting with not wanting to shag someone that thinks parenting is your sole responsibility.

This. Your husband is a dick.

He needs to sack off the golf - Or rearrange it - and parent his kids.

We would divide and conquer in this case. Normally divsion is I do early starts, DH does the lates!!

He made a promise to his own child then let her down so he could go a d play fucking GOLF!? What an utterly twattish thing to do.

It's not "helping" - it's being a parent.

I would get rid of him, personally.

Absolutely. And pathologising it with being too much of a "yes" person!? Wtf. What about the yes you gave to your child

It isn’t “helping”, it’s parenting. I would have said “oh golf, thats sounds nice DH… how do you plan on getting DD to rehearsal? Will you take her first and then go to golf? Or have you arranged for one of the other parents from drama school to give her a lift?”

Make it very clear that it’s his problem to solve. When you stop making it so convenient for him to fuck you about and do whatever he wants, he might be motivated to stop doing it!

He is a selfish git and a crap father!
It's not "helping you" it's parenting HIS children.

Why are you accepting this. Your child will know that daddy would rather play golf than take them to their activity as promised.

I voted YABU because you thought he should "help," like a kindly stranger.

Fuck that.

You need to change you being the default parent and instead be equal parents. Your two kids have activities, does he have a preference which one he does/you state your preference for which one you want to do? Toss a coin if you can’t agree. If he wants to do something else he sorts out a friend taking.

We’ve only got 1 but he chose to play hockey like DH does, so DH takes him. I’m taking him to epee when he starts that.

It’s not help, they are his kids. Honestly I couldn’t unsee shit like this it would give me the ick. How do you stay with someone who is so bloody selfish. I bet you do 99% of everything else to and have to ask for “help” to empty the dishwasher or any other simple task.

Is he their dad? It’s not clear from your post. If he’s their dad he should be doing his fair share. If they’re your kids from a previous relationship he has no obligation to do any of the ferrying around.

The fact you calls it help makes me think he opts out of all bits of parenting he'd rather not do!

My ex (kids Dad) 'helps me' take them to activities because he is there Dad too and neither of us are keeping score... sometimes they have to be in two places at once, sometimes I have something on etc, etc.

Was thinking this. Do you really want to wash his clothes, cook his dinner, or all the other things I expect you do for him? Almost certainly not! So stop.

It's very hard to make a man like this step up and do his fair share with kids. But what you can do is say that if he doesn't want to contribute to family life, then nobody else in the family will do anything for him either. He can't expect to give nothing and carry on getting the benefits of the household.

On a practical note, I would see if any team mate or friend of either of the kids can give them a lift, then you take the other one.

This is exactly right. I would only add, what sort of relationship does he want to have with his children? Because he promised your DD and she will remember that he broke that promise and that the reason was he wanted to play golf.