Help from DH sometimes to get kids to weekend activities

[moana35]

How much help do you expect from your other half to get children to activities? My DH will sometimes agree to help and then let me down at the next minute.

We have 2 children at 2 activities tomorrow - one does drama and is at a rehearsal tomorrow another is at a football match in another town. The football match is another town 15 miles away so I really need to take my son there - he promised my DD he would take her to her rehearsal but something has come up that is more appealing for him and unfortunately I can't be in 2 places at the same time. I could ask someone else to take my son but I have to keep relying on people as he often lets me down last minute. DD can get a bus but as a sunday will take her 90 minutes on 2 buses. When they have double activities I work it all out way in advance and I had it all planned. He would take my son and I would take DD- he agreed to this but reluctantly and is now going to play golf so can't do it.

He has therapy a few years back and was told to stop being a 'yes' person when people ask him him to do things and only do things he wants to do.

He hates the pressure he is under at weekends to get the kids to places. I do everything and only ever ask if I need to get kids to two different things at the same time.

AIBU to expect a bit of help?

This is beyond depressing. Where do these low energy losers materialise from?

And what has gone so badly wrong that a woman accepts this sort of absurd bullshit?

Whoever is home takes them to activities. If it’s both of us, it’s 50/50, unless one of us needs to run some errands and then whoever needs to drive into town goes. Usually I do the drop off and Dh collects (because I like going to bed early 🤣).

Part of the issue here is how you frame it . Calling it ‘help’ suggests he is doing you a favour ! All kids stuff divided in two/ balanced fairly as much as possible . I could not be with someone like this .

It s not "help" it s responsibility as a parent
How has it been so many years with him able to abdicate parental responsibility?
Are they his dc?

now going to play golf so can't do it.

Say what?

Kids come first. Golf later or not at all

Quite apart from the impact this is having on you and being generally crap, he promised his daughter and now won’t do it.
Does he have an idea what impact that will have on their relationship? She will notice, and she won’t forget.

YABVU.

Parenting isn't helping. Asking for "help" says it's all your job and can he do some of your work.

Stop asking and start requiring him to parent.

We usually sit on a Sunday and look at the week - whether DH is working from office or home, which days DC2 is at their childminder and who will collect, who will take DC1 to/from school, who will do drop offs/pickups from activity, who is home first so is cooking the tea, what the weekend family plans are, who is going to a hobby/out with friends etc etc. Neither is helping the other, we are a team.

For the life of me, I just cannot imagine putting my own sporting activity, before my children’s. Great if we can do it together or work around each other so that we both get to do our sport - but a straight up choice of my sport vs their sport? It’s them every time. It’s a level of selfishness I can barely comprehend, let alone actually do and think it’s reasonable.

Ah…but you just know he won’t bother taking them anywhere on his weekends!

He’ll fizzle out of their lives and then complain To anyone that will listen that he’s been shut out from his family and none of them ever make an effort to see him. Cue comments from similarity shit men of “You’re better off without them. Whey should you make all the effort?”.

Even if one child hobbies at weekends should be shared

but if 2/3 and can’t be in diff place at same time then obv he needs to be a parent

he sounds useless

why are you with him ?

He is just selfish, completely selfish. He promised her and he has let her down. I think a serious conversation needs to be had. I agree with everyone else, help implies it is your job, it isn't, it is parenting and you have to do these things for your children.

It’s called “ parenting” There’s no “ helping out” or “ doing you a favour”
or any of that shit. It’s just called “ parenting and equally at that.

This man is VERY selfish.

No therapist told him to only do the things he wants to do.
he’s being a shit father and a selfish man child, I know the joke of everyone quick to say ltb but you are a parent of 3, two children and a sulky teenager who is very selfish and a bullshitter to enable his selfishness (therapist tells me only to do nice fluffy things and opt out of parenting, aye right)

He needs to do his share and be a parent!!

There is a difference between not being a “yes” person and supporting your DC & partner.

OP, out of interest, has he stopped saying yes to anyone other than his family?

Technically, he’s just letting his family down rather than not being a people pleaser. The whole thing of not being a Yes Person is that you don’t say yes in the first place, not that you agree to something important then let the person down at the last minute.

Also, did he have a crisis of conscious when he was asked to play golf? Did he crumple under pressure and be unable to say No as he had a prior arrangement or did he say YES! Straight away knowing he could just dump his daughter like she is an unimportant, optional chore?

He has therapy a few years back and was told to stop being a 'yes' person when people ask him him to do things and only do things he wants to do.

Probably the same therapist who told my friend not to apologise for throwing a pint of beer over me * because would be demeaning for her.

*I was chatting to her DH at his birthday party that she had obviously invited me to 🙄

Ah…but you just know he won’t bother taking them anywhere on his weekends!

I don’t know if my ex is unusual, but he has stepped up now that we’re divorced. He has 2 days a week, and he does it properly tbh. As long as they’re reasonably normal men, although it doesn’t sounds like the ops is unfortunately, then he has 5 days each week to play his golf or whatever, so he only has to focus for 2 days per week, and tbf to him, he does. Should be bare minimum so I’ll save the praise.

DH always takes DS1 to football on Saturdays unless he is working over time (maybe one Saturday every few months).

I tend to take the DC to birthday parties at the weekend as he doesn't enjoy the small talk but I like catching up with the other parents.

Calling it 'help' makes it sounds like it's just your responsibility, but it's both of yours.

Your DH is your third child.

It’s not help. It is his job as a father.

dh and I list out the weekend chores including driving children around and divide them up. everything is on a shared calendar as far in advance as possible. This weekend Dh is doing all child related chores because I am doing other things for the family.

He can’t cancel on his children. If they have an activity it’s his job to get them there or find a substitute that is not you.

I expect parents to be grown ups.
DH takes the same responsibility as me.
Your DH has no excuse being an ass.

Is he their biological father? If so, he is a selfish git who doesn't deserve to be with you

What a loser, saying No to contributing to bringing his children to activities.

Waster.
Why do you tolerate this?
What is the point of such men?