AIBU to be annoyed at husband for telling his mum about my health issue?

[tnmn]

I have a female health condition (think along the lines of PCOS, recurrent UTIs, endometriosis etc.). It’s not something I talk about publicly, only a few close friends even know. It also has an impact on fertility, so it’s not exactly small talk material. We’ve been TTC for a couple of years and she’s been speculating to us most times we see her about when it might happen (“not drinking huh?” “you two would make lovely parents!” “I’d be careful lifting that if you might be… ummm… or just generally careful lifting heavy items”)

My husband “accidentally” told his mum about it. Apparently he “just blurted it out” in conversation and then immediately realised he’d messed up. I only found out because he later sent her a message saying “don’t tell [my name] I told you.” - he was showing me a picture he sent his mum and the text was right below it, sent after he had 1 on 1 lunch with her.

He says it wasn’t malicious and that he just wasn’t thinking, but I’m furious. I really didn’t want my in-laws knowing anything about this, especially given I’m not remotely close to her.

AIBU to feel properly betrayed and upset, even if he didn’t mean to? I’ve asked what else he’s shared without my permission but he says this is just a one off accidental tongue slip.

The struggle with fertility is affecting him too. He was just talking to his mum.

Is the crux of this that you don't really believe it was an accident that he told her? I say that because of the use of the inverted commas.

I think it's fine for people to share things with their mum - we all need a sounding board, we all need to let off steam - but had you explicitly told him not to tell anyone?

Very unreasonable as it affects him too.
Maybe he's upset at the constant comments about parenthood and wants her to back off a little.
She's his mum and providing she keeps his confidence I don't see a problem.

I don’t think telling his mom is “a betrayal” no. Especially as you have told people. It’s his mom.

Sorry to hear about your struggles though op.

Did you ever tell him not to discuss fertility issues with his Mum or anyone else? If you told him never discuss our fertility issues with anyone except medics and then he told his Mum I'd be upset but if you never explicitly told him not to discuss then it's partly your fault. Either way she's family and now she might stop the little hints about becoming parents.

You might not be close to her but he is - it’s his mum. Why exactly are you so bothered?? Maybe it will give you breathing space??

Gently, I think you’re being unreasonable. As PP said, the fertility struggles impact upon both of you. And has also been said, maybe his mum will back off and stop making annoying comments now she realises that the two of you are struggling to conceive. It’s interesting as I’m in a similar position with gynae issues and at one point I was frustrated my partner wouldn’t discuss our fertility struggles with his family! (As I thought he would benefit from their support as they’re very close. He has now told them and it does make it easier now ivf isn’t a secret etc).

It’s a really niche condition that can affect fertility but doesn’t necessarily. Some doctors think it might be linked, others say there’s no clear connection. So we genuinely don’t know if it’s the reason we’ve struggled to conceive. I personally believe it is, my husband believes it’s something else (for reasons I won’t go into to avoid making this more outing).

I have actually told him before that I don’t want this discussed with his mum. We both know what she’s like — she tends to get over-involved and would immediately start asking questions or trying to involve herself. We’ve both made comments throughout the TTC period that suggests we aren’t trying so she doesn’t suspect anything and get overinvolved or ask questions. I’ve said really clearly that I don’t want her knowing about any of it, and he agreed it would be a terrible idea to tell her about fertility. That’s why I’m so frustrated he went and mentioned the condition.

To be fair, he didn’t say it was affecting fertility. For all she knows, we don’t have any fertility issues at all and just don’t want a child right now. She’s just in that “when are you having kids?” phase and hurrying us along. He just told her the name of the condition in passing, and she said she’d never heard of it. He then explained about it further to her without mentioning fertility.

I think this would be different if she’d ever said anything to you or sent you a Sorry For Your Endometriosis card out of the blue or similar (the sort of thing my MIL would do). But she seems to have kept it to herself which shows he was right to trust her when he offloaded his stresses. He’s her son, it’s sweet that he still talks to her and he clearly needs an outlet.

Someone should be able to talk to their mum about issues that are affecting them, even if they are male and even if its your MIL.

The Op's medical condition may impact her DH but it is still her medical issue to do with her body, nobody else's. And the comments about whether or not she may be pregnant by the MIL are nothing short of rude and intrusive.

He didn't raise it as an issue that might affect their ability to conceive. He just blurted it out even though OP had specifically told him that she didn't want his mum to know about her health issue. OP asked him not to share her medical information with his mum and he did it any way.

Also if hes so keen to share we’re struggling to conceive he can say “we’re struggling to conceive. Mind your business and keep your mouth shut” not “this is T’s condition, let’s discuss”

It affects him also.
Why can't he talk to his mum about it?

@MummaMummaMummabecause it’s my health info, none of her business and there is no benefit to sharing

My OH did this when we were first together. After my reaction, he has NEVER done it again. My health is absolutely private information.

I don’t think I’d begrudge him telling his mum, as long she keeps it to herself. If you tell my MIL anything, the entire family will know about it.

@GinkoRebelFoxeswhat was your reaction?

Yeah it’s shit. I’d not want my personal health discussed either. But. He’s done it. He’s contrite. It was an error at the time and he knew it. What does all the rage solve. Just have a calm chat and let him know how you feel and move on. It’s not worth all the chest beating and disappointment/anger/whatever. You will likely fuck up at some point in your marriage too. He’ll remember how you dealt with this. I’ve done loads of stuff that was stupid and pissed my husband off but he was so much more magnanimous about it than me. So, I’ve learned to reciprocate and when he pisses me off, or does something stupid. I can respond equally and let him know it’s a bit off. But actually ok. Nobody is hurt. We are fine.

I totally agree with you.
It is your personal health information and he’s a dick for telling anyone.

There was a really awful thread on gransnet a while back where a MIL was outraged that her son wouldn't share updates on his wife's medical condition. The attitude was "she's carrying my grandchild therefore I have a right to know why she went to the doctor today" and 99% comments were in agreement. So very hands maid, this woman's body is no longer her own.

What was the benefit of you sharing with your friends?

Look, you clearly can't stand the woman but she's your husband's mother, and the problem with TTC affects him too.

The last thing you want to do is come across as though you're saying, "You're worthy of knowing because I like you. You're not because I don't, and I'll see about you eventually".

That would make it all seem a bit too self-important.

He clearly needed to open up to his mum at the time whether you like her or not.

How do you know that?
It's obviously affecting him or why would he bother sharing with his mother.
I'd be annoyed if my DH told me I couldn't discuss an issue that was affecting me too, even if it was about him. I'd find it quite controlling honestly.
What's the first thing people get asked on here when they have an issue? Have you got anyone irl to talk to?
I guess the caveat should state, not if they're male and not if it's the MIL.

I don't think ' 'it's affecting him too' is any kind of excuse to share OP's personal, private information with another person, when she has asked him not to. It's not the same if she chooses to share with her friends because in that instance she is part of the dicussiion and can guide where the discussion goes and how much info she wants to give. If her husband shares the information then she not involved, she's just being talked about.

Many medical conditions affect partners as well but they are private and you need the permission of the person suffering to share. If OP's DH had penile warts or erectile dysfunction, it would affect her, but I doubt he'd want her shooting the breeze about it with her mum.

He wants kids, he is struggling and spoke to his mum, get a grip he didn’t post it on sm for everyone to read.