AIBU to be annoyed at husband for telling his mum about my health issue?

[tnmn]

I have a female health condition (think along the lines of PCOS, recurrent UTIs, endometriosis etc.). It’s not something I talk about publicly, only a few close friends even know. It also has an impact on fertility, so it’s not exactly small talk material. We’ve been TTC for a couple of years and she’s been speculating to us most times we see her about when it might happen (“not drinking huh?” “you two would make lovely parents!” “I’d be careful lifting that if you might be… ummm… or just generally careful lifting heavy items”)

My husband “accidentally” told his mum about it. Apparently he “just blurted it out” in conversation and then immediately realised he’d messed up. I only found out because he later sent her a message saying “don’t tell [my name] I told you.” - he was showing me a picture he sent his mum and the text was right below it, sent after he had 1 on 1 lunch with her.

He says it wasn’t malicious and that he just wasn’t thinking, but I’m furious. I really didn’t want my in-laws knowing anything about this, especially given I’m not remotely close to her.

AIBU to feel properly betrayed and upset, even if he didn’t mean to? I’ve asked what else he’s shared without my permission but he says this is just a one off accidental tongue slip.

You are both trying to conceive, this may be effecting it, and he confided in his mum. Perhaps you’d do the same if it was the other way round?

It's understandable that people might want to share their OWN stuff with their Mum, but sharing your husband/wife's health (or others) is NOT your right to share. Your loyalty to your husband/wife should come before your desire to share.

@tnmn this happened to me many years ago. I found out he'd told her (despite absolutely knowing I didn't want it to be public knowledge AND very specifically) not her. Given the absolute bitch she was I knew within nano seconds because she couldn't hold her nasty tongue.

in your position I'd be furious at both the initial betrayal, but equally by him telling her not to tell you (creating a them v you situation) & him not warning you himself.

id be rethinking the relationship.

(I made him an EX not too long after)

Nobody should discuss someone else’s medical condition without their consent it’s their private medical information.

It’s not like it was anonymous asking for a friend type stuff he declared ops medical info.

Not yeah a work mates Mrs from work has pcos and is really struggling. So mil would never know that person.

Honestly I would struggle sharing with dh again.

Im sure he wouldn’t enjoy you sharing with your mum if he had say erectile disfunction. Or telling your bestie he had a zero sperm count.

plus he didn’t come clean he wanted to create a lie around it. That’s an extra layer of betrayal

Exactly.

it's YOUR health, he owes YOU his loyalty.

Aside from the rights/wrongs of telling her. How does it help anyway, no matter what's stopping you conceiving (I'm sorry xx) how is her knowing going to help?? No matter the 'cause'???

He should have said 'we're struggling to conceive, please stop hinting/asking, talking by about it. It's upsetting US'

A woman who makes stupid personal remarks about another woman of child bearing age is unlikely in the extreme to be able to keep a confidence

I'm not sure I'd be able to get past this but I hope you can find a way OP

Even ignoring the fertility aspect, it is very worrying when a spouse/family member is being investigated for/diagnosed with a health condition. Even more so a niche one I would imagine! So for me it would be understandable that he would need to share his worries with someone and actually it’s much healthier than keeping it to himself. If not his mum, who would you prefer he talks to - a mate, a therapist?

Is it that you're not keen on your DH mother? The issue is that she seems pushy and you need to tell her you would rather her not ask about X Y Z. I'm sure she will be mortified and stop pushing.

Also it may you your DH with fertility issues? Has he been checked?

I wouldn't ask my DH to keep anything from his mum. Especially when it impacts him too.

Maybe he said it because the relentless hinting was getting to him. Hopefully it stops her.

You are mistaken. There is indeed a benefit - to him. The struggle to conceive and living with your health condition means he needs someone to talk to. And he spoke to his mum because sometimes that's what mums are for, no matter what age you are. He didn't post it on social media or discuss it with some bloke at the office and he clearly didn't mean it maliciously. This whole thing affects him big time and to try to deny him any outlet is pretty poor of you.

I'd be very upset. It's your medical information and no one has a right to those details without your consent.

I also don't know how you tell someone by accident, especially if it wasn't in relation to fertility.

I'd be making sure it's very clear that he doesn't do it again.

So he's never allowed to share his anxiety or concerns even though everything about this affects his life in a big way too?

It is OP's medical condition, not his. It isn't up to him to share, especially when OP has already told him that she doesn't want him to.

What about the anxiety he has now caused, OP? Why doesn't that seem to matter? Clearly, there is a reason why OP didn't want her to know and he should've respected that.

As a general rule, no, you shouldnt share someone else's medical condition when you've been specifically asked not to

That's not at all controversial is it?

Of course that’s not controversial- but infertility is treating couples not one person, so I do think it is legitimate to have a discussion with supportive people about the impact it’s having on you as an individual (without going into the ins and outs of your partners specific issue).

I also think a decent person doesn’t leave their partner or spouse without access to support should they themselves receive a life altering or terminal prognosis. (Or do you think that’s fair enough and tough shit in your husband?)

He doesn't really get that only you have the right to share your private medical information with who you choose.

He's a blabbermouth and now you know he can't be trusted with your medical info.

This happened with us too. I'd been on the waiting list for sterilisation since before meeting him, & had the op 4 months after we met. He told his hostile, alcoholic, mum! "There's no secrets here" he parroted & was genuinely surprised when I said yes there bloody well is, ALL of my personal information! It'd actually never dawned on him until then that actually, his mother doesn't have a right to know everything in his head. 7 years on & we still have the odd apron strings incident.

OP has already said that it wasn't in context of any fertility discussion but even if it was, it is possible to talk about fertility issues without going in to details such as naming the niche condition OP has.

It seems to be a bit tough shit on OP, why is that acceptable? She is the one with the actual health condition but who cares about her anxiety or her wishes as long as DH is supported.

Maybe he needed to talk to his mum?

I am completely flabbergasted at the number of posters thinking this is remotely OK. He was explicitly told not to share this info and when he did anyway, tried to cover it up. What's stopping DH discussing OPs medical issue with a doctor? At least then he can get some proper advice.
The sad thing for OP now is that the only way she can trust that confidential personal information remains that way is to withhold it from DH too. I can't possibly see what harm that would do to a relationship/marriage 🤔

He blurted it out to his mum, possibly because he was worried and needed to say it out loud. He was sorry and regrets it. Better to let it go, unless he makes a habit of upsetting you in similar ways.