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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday party dilemma

42 replies

HayceeDeeCee · 24/10/2025 23:14

I'm celebrating a big birthday early next year and i'm fortunate to know a wide circle of friends and acquaintances.

I'm having a party in a local venue with a very popular local band i've hired, food, etc and so far I've had over 150 acceptances with about a half of those with a plus one. Only sent out invites last week and another 100 or so yet to respond.

It has somewhat escalated with friends asking if they can bring friends, people I don't really know but perhaps in passing, at the pub or music gigs etc.

Having been to far too many funerals recently I wanted all my social circle/family/colleagues to get together whilst we are alive, not dead but i'm a bit unsure about the 'extras' that might turn up.

I'm a generous kinda soul but this feels a step too far and i'm not sure how to say no. Any advice ? I'm a massive people pleaser.

OP posts:
Finsburyfancy · 24/10/2025 23:19

Bloody hell. How many does the space cater for? Did you say plus one on the invite? You're not going to get a chance to say hi to the people you actually want there, let alone the acquaintances. This is way too many people.

Peclet · 24/10/2025 23:19

so you have sent out 150 individual invites and lots are coming with partners? Surely have lots of couple friends rather than individuals?? So one invite is for 2 anyway?

When people ask can I bring a friend….

”that would have been lovely, but sadly not! venue is v strict on numbers and we are at capacity, looking forward to seeing you there!”

SixSeven · 24/10/2025 23:24

I wouldn’t worry, quite a few won’t turn up especially if they don’t know you too well. And if there are randoms you’ll barely notice with so many other people!

Original poster
HayceeDeeCee · 24/10/2025 23:24

It holds 350 people so space isn't an issue as such, and I know every one on my invite list but it's the extras that friends want to invite...not just a plus one but their mates and people that follow the band.

I had 300 people at my 40th, I thought it would be way less at my 60th but apparently not. I have very much fucked up !

OP posts:
jetlag92 · 24/10/2025 23:26

I would say not. You want your friends at your birthday

sesquipedalian · 24/10/2025 23:46

“it's the extras that friends want to invite...not just a plus one but their mates and people that follow the band.”

Hard no to that! You invite a friend, and if the invitation says plus one, that’s precisely what it means - not your DP and his mate and his mate’s GF and his GF’s chum who just looooves this band….OP, put your foot down. This is ridiculous.

Gilgogirl · 24/10/2025 23:51

Just say no. I don’t want people there I don’t know. Sorry

NameChangeForThisQuestionOnly · 24/10/2025 23:55

It’s a bit weird of your friends to ask if they can bring along extra people that you don’t know. Just say no - it needs to be clear that this is your birthday party not some open social event.

WaltzingWaters · 24/10/2025 23:55

It’s so rude and cheeky of people to ask to bring extras (besides their plus one). Just say “sorry, no, there’s already a huge guest list”. (Or “don’t be so bloody cheeky!”)

Original poster
HayceeDeeCee · 25/10/2025 00:04

I need to learn how to say no.
I vaguely know some of the randoms but not well enough to have invited in the first place.
I know some of the original acceptances will fall by the wayside, it will be flu season so maybe it will even itself out.

OP posts:
arcticpandas · 25/10/2025 00:22

HayceeDeeCee · 25/10/2025 00:04

I need to learn how to say no.
I vaguely know some of the randoms but not well enough to have invited in the first place.
I know some of the original acceptances will fall by the wayside, it will be flu season so maybe it will even itself out.

Or maybe not. Just tell everyone that due to so many people coming you will have to say no to all extras- only those invited can come. Mass mail and done.

digitalisation · 25/10/2025 00:25

give the bouncers a guest list- “if yoir names not down, your not coming in” and stick to it. No one will mind. Just blame the venue, say it’s their health and safety policy

PeloMom · 25/10/2025 00:27

The venue may allow 350 but your friends dont know how many people you have invited. As far as they are concerned you’re at capacity.

Nestingbirds · 25/10/2025 01:05

It sounds like a free for all, and the acquaintances on your guest list will bring these people anyway, and seemingly do not care it’s your special birthday. For them it’s a free gig.

Say no and be firm.

Whilst it’s lovely to have a big birthday party, I would consider how you will manage such huge numbers. Will you be catering and providing for this number? Will you have staff on the door to ensure the guests arriving are actually invited?

Gilgogirl · 25/10/2025 01:09

Just say it’s not possible. I get it. You’re the girl that always says yes. I’m one of those and I’ve learned the hard way that it’s not always in your best interest to. Just say. No, I can’t put anymore people in the venue and you talked the owners or whom ever and you have a limit and you can’t go over it.

Reallyneedsaholiday · 25/10/2025 13:43

Send out an email that just says you are really looking forward to spending time with all your friends and family, that you’ve deliberately chosen a band that you hope they will all enjoy, and a good sized venue to cater for your guests, but unfortunately the venue DOES have a legal limit on numbers and for that reason, you need to say no to requests for extras, certainly until very close to the day, when you will have received all the responses.

EscapeTheCastle · 25/10/2025 14:04

If this band is so popular then you might need bouncers. Word may have spread about this free night out, people won't care its a private birthday party.
Have Blazing Squad got back together?

Gingercar · 25/10/2025 14:07

Just say you’re already up to quite a large number and you don’t want it to get any bigger.

FuzzyWolf · 25/10/2025 14:12

I know every one on my invite list but it's the extras that friends want to invite...not just a plus one but their mates and people that follow the band.

You will very quickly go over the maximum limit and find you are feeding and providing drinks to people you don’t know who are only there for the band, whilst those actually invited are turned away because the venue has reached capacity.

Just explain to everyone who asks that you are having to say no to everyone due to venue numbers and because you want to be able to spend time with your friends. Point out that some people are asking to bring several people to watch the band and so you decided it’s a blanket no to any additions (obviously you can say yes to the occasional few at your discretion).

It’s really rude to ask to bring friends and people who follow a band to a private party.

SmallPotatoAdventCalendar · 25/10/2025 15:00

Just say "sorry guys, I think you've got the wrong end of the stick. This is a private party, not a free gig, and it's invitation only."

Nestingbirds · 25/10/2025 15:01

This has disaster written all
over it, unless op has a guest list and secure entrance.

Ilovemychocolate · 25/10/2025 15:04

I had the same at my 50th!
Really bloody cheeky, I was fuming at the nerve of some people, but I find it easy to stand up for myself, so it was a firm NO to extras!
You will have to grow a backbone OP!

ByTwinklyDreamer · 25/10/2025 15:08

No sorry the venue is at capacity now.

Soonenough · 25/10/2025 15:08

Sounds like a blast ! Can I come too ?

ConnieHeart · 25/10/2025 15:08

Just remember, it's your party and the priority is for you to enjoy it with the people who are important to you. If you let just anyone in you're asking for trouble. Stop pleasing others all the time and please yourself

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