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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel holiday with DP?

34 replies

Aprilespe · 24/10/2025 12:16

I've been with DP 5 years, and I have a 19yo DS.

The past 2 years have been tough for DS, he's struggled with his mental health for years and has since been diagnosed with BPD also known as EUPD, he had a 3 month section last year from May-August and then was sectioned from November-July this year, then a few weeks after being discharged was sectioned again and was discharged at the end of last month. He was in hospital for both his 18th and 19th birthdays.

While he was sectioned he was still self harming and was put on a 1:1 supervision, I was constantly worrying about him, he didn't want me visiting because he thought I was out to get him which was part of the psychosis and him being so unwell but it did still hurt and we aren't that close still even now. The hospital also has added more trauma to him as some friends he made ended their lives and other friends he talks to they seem to egg each other on, talking about section 136’s etc.

He seemed to be doing okay upon discharge though, he is on anti depressants and antipsychoctics medication and he seemed really positive, he wanted to get a job and eventually study and go to uni etc. But this past week he's been similar to how he used to be, he ended up punching a wall not to be aggressive but to hurt himself because he has no access to anything sharp, he's ended up breaking his hand. Then last night he went out and turned his phone off and I ended up reporting it to the police. He came back a few hours later and said he just wanted time on his own.

DP booked a holiday a few months ago for us. It's next week but after last night and how DS has been I don't feel comfortable leaving him, I've told DP this and it caused a row and he said DS is manipulative and did it because he knows I was going away and if I went he wouldn't do anything, it’d be all talk but I beg to differ, he's had many suicide attempts and I don't think they were “all talk”.

We did go on holiday whilst he was sectioned too so it's not like we haven't had any time together.

But AIBU? Am I really “babying” DS as he says?

OP posts:
ClarissR · 24/10/2025 12:20

Nobody’s in the wrong here, really. You have to cancel it because you won’t be able to relax otherwise, but I can understand your DP’s frustration.

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 24/10/2025 12:24

When my teen dd had taken 2 od's we postponed a trip. Can you reword it as postponed..?
Just because your ds is an adult shouldn't mean you switch off to his struggles imo.
Your dp isn't being sensitive or supportive of you. Never mind of ds.

Arregaithel · 24/10/2025 12:49

This may be of use for you all @Aprilespe

Especially the "setting limits" section.

Goodadvice1980 · 24/10/2025 12:50

OP do you believe your ds did it deliberately to stop you going away?

TheBlueUser · 24/10/2025 13:13

OP this sounds really really tough, I have a family member with a similar situation with her daughter (although the worst of it was a few years ago and the daughter is more stable now but still not well).

Has he stopped taking any of his medication? My family members daughter used to often stop taking her medication when she felt she was doing well, thinking maybe she didn't need it anymore.

It sounds like you wont be able to relax and enjoy yourself on holiday, which will likely mean your DP doesn't enjoy himself either, so I would say its best to postpone the holiday.

I hope things improve for you son soon, its really hard for everyone involved when your mind is working against you.

Danioyellow · 24/10/2025 13:23

I can see both sides really. If your son was serious about self harming, or worse, you being on holiday will not make a difference. Also his mental health issues have been bad for years and from the sounds of it are just getting worse, you could be in this cycle for potentially many more years, even decades, will you never have another holiday or break? Is his actual dad around to stay with him, or another family member?

Ponderingwindow · 24/10/2025 13:24

There may come a point where you have to say that your son’s problems are his own and you can’t build your entire life around him. You aren’t there yet.

Two years and only being 19 is not that long in terms of getting control of BPD. For you this is just another parenting era like the newborn stage or puberty.

With any luck, your son will find the right treatment in the next few years and you will all get back to normalcy. If that doesn’t happen, then you can start making decisions about doing things like taking holidays regardless of the latest crisis.

Nestingbirds · 24/10/2025 13:24

What the actual hell. Your dp is clearly completely checked out to suggest your son is somehow doing this deliberately. I am not sure I could have someone like this in my life with such a vulnerable adult. Please tell me your ds hasn’t been around when your dp is saying this?

Your son is seriously ill, and needs to be prioritised. It might be in a few months he is stabilised, of course you can’t just leave him. He is still very young.

Self harn is a coping strategy not attention seeking.

I would cancel the trip and consider whether your dp can meet your needs and offer you the support and understanding you require atm.

I hope your son is okay op.

Helpless25 · 24/10/2025 13:29

Sounds like you’re in a very similar situation to us at the moment. I’ve cancelled three holidays in the last 18 months. No way could I go away, relax and enjoy myself knowing what DS is going through.
it is frustrating and I do feel resentful at times but it is what it is.
Hopefully you have travel insurance and can claim on that (although speaking from experience it’s a real pain to do so) or would your DP go on his own/with someone else?

Anditstartedagain · 24/10/2025 13:32

It maybe that the thought of you going away is what pushed him over the edge but that would be another sign that you shouldn’t go. I agree with a PP, if you went away you won’t enjoy it.

Have you contact your DS’s mental health team to share you concerns that things are getting worse?

TheresGoingToBeAMoidur · 24/10/2025 13:35

I can understand your dp being disappointed, but he's being a prick about it. Does he have children of his own? Does he understand the parenting instinct?

Your ds has only really just come out of hospital and it's batshit to expect him to suddenly function normally. He'll need a lot of support for a long time, yet. There's nothing wrong with postponing the holiday until a more stable time for your ds, or when another trusted person can be around him while you're away.

Dacatspjs · 24/10/2025 13:36

I think you'd be right to not go on the holiday, you'd never forgive yourself if your so hurt himself whilst you were away. Equally I think you need to be prepared that this might end your relationship, it sounds incredibly tough and frustrating for your partner

Edinburghdaze · 24/10/2025 13:39

No way would I go on holiday in these circumstances. Your son needs you right now whereas your partner can cope with missing / postponing a holiday.

His lack of empathy would put me off him as well.

MMO · 24/10/2025 13:44

Id go on holiday if I was in your position. Unfortunately with a diagnosis like your son has, the more emphasis you put on you being responsible for his behaviours the worse it will get. He needs reminding that as an adult he is responsible for his actions and yes it's difficult to live with the challenges that EUPD pose but he needs to take accountability and ensure he's engaging with any and all ways to keep well. Is he under a community mental health team?

BoredZelda · 24/10/2025 14:03

It doesn’t matter whether he thinks your son would be ok or not, it matters whether you would feel comfortable being away or not. If your partner can’t understand that, he isn’t the one for you.

Nestingbirds · 24/10/2025 14:12

MMO · 24/10/2025 13:44

Id go on holiday if I was in your position. Unfortunately with a diagnosis like your son has, the more emphasis you put on you being responsible for his behaviours the worse it will get. He needs reminding that as an adult he is responsible for his actions and yes it's difficult to live with the challenges that EUPD pose but he needs to take accountability and ensure he's engaging with any and all ways to keep well. Is he under a community mental health team?

He is 19! Barely an adult and very unwell. If you would just leave your child in crisis then that says everything about the kind of parent you are..

MMO · 24/10/2025 14:47

I'm a parent and a mental health nurse who deals with people with EUPD daily.......I stand by what I said.

Original poster
Aprilespe · 24/10/2025 15:13

No, I don't believe DS deliberately did it, he didn't realise that I would've been worried.

Partner hasn't been that supportive since DS has been discharged, when DS punched the wall last week he accused him of being violent and didn't want him around his DD’s, he wasn't being violent or aggressive or trying to threaten anyone DS was the only person in his room and he admitted he wanted to hurt himself (though obviously didn't think he'd break his hand).

I would worry the whole time if I went even if he was fine, I've suggested he and his DC go alone but that isn't good enough.

He's spent more time in hospital than out this past year and I don't think i’d feel comfortable leaving him this soon

OP posts:
Arregaithel · 24/10/2025 15:22

"when DS punched the wall last week he accused him of being violent and didn't want him around his DD’s"

Even with your son's diagnosis, minimising his behaviour, is not really helpful @Aprilespe, I agree with @MMO

Punching a wall is an act of violence and I understand your partner's concern for his girls.

Nestingbirds · 24/10/2025 15:28

Arregaithel · 24/10/2025 15:22

"when DS punched the wall last week he accused him of being violent and didn't want him around his DD’s"

Even with your son's diagnosis, minimising his behaviour, is not really helpful @Aprilespe, I agree with @MMO

Punching a wall is an act of violence and I understand your partner's concern for his girls.

He was nowhere near them and was an act of self harm, not violence towards himself not others.

Dp seems to be perfectly happy when your son is in hospital but doesn’t want to have much to do with him. I think this is grossly unfair. I would not be happy with his attitude to your son op.

Do the girls live with you? I think you do need to focus on your own child. Was he invited on holiday? Given it’s a family holiday.

Outnumbered1983 · 24/10/2025 16:19

I can understand DP being frustrated, but I personally wouldn’t be able to go and leave DS in such a vulnerable state. You won’t be able to relax and will worry constantly.

Original poster
Aprilespe · 24/10/2025 16:28

I'm not minimising his behaviour, but he was self harming, not being aggressive or trying to threaten/intimidate anyone like DP is trying to make out.

DP’s children are here 50/50. It's a UK holiday and DP booked it when DS was in hospital and he didn't invite him but he could go (there's a spare room), but when I told him he could come he said he doesn't want to go.

We went away during the Easter holidays abroad when DS was in hospital, I wasn't totally comfortable at going because he was getting worse and while he was “safe” in hospital but at the same time he was still self harming but DP persuaded me to go because there was nothing I could do here and he was refusing to see me anyway but I still worried about him the whole time, even though he was ok

OP posts:
Dacatspjs · 24/10/2025 16:44

Aprilespe · 24/10/2025 16:28

I'm not minimising his behaviour, but he was self harming, not being aggressive or trying to threaten/intimidate anyone like DP is trying to make out.

DP’s children are here 50/50. It's a UK holiday and DP booked it when DS was in hospital and he didn't invite him but he could go (there's a spare room), but when I told him he could come he said he doesn't want to go.

We went away during the Easter holidays abroad when DS was in hospital, I wasn't totally comfortable at going because he was getting worse and while he was “safe” in hospital but at the same time he was still self harming but DP persuaded me to go because there was nothing I could do here and he was refusing to see me anyway but I still worried about him the whole time, even though he was ok

I think you still need to accept that someone capable of this behaviour isn't someone that you would want around young girls. It isn't the kind of thing you would want your kids exposed to, and quite frankly the girls mum could very reasonably use it as evidence to change the amount of access he has to them.

I don't think you are helping yourself by not acknowledging when he has a reasonable concern.

You can feel sympathy and concern for someone self harming, without wanting them around your children

No5ChalksRoad · 24/10/2025 16:52

Nestingbirds · 24/10/2025 13:24

What the actual hell. Your dp is clearly completely checked out to suggest your son is somehow doing this deliberately. I am not sure I could have someone like this in my life with such a vulnerable adult. Please tell me your ds hasn’t been around when your dp is saying this?

Your son is seriously ill, and needs to be prioritised. It might be in a few months he is stabilised, of course you can’t just leave him. He is still very young.

Self harn is a coping strategy not attention seeking.

I would cancel the trip and consider whether your dp can meet your needs and offer you the support and understanding you require atm.

I hope your son is okay op.

All of this.

I would think a son takes precedence over a boyfriend.

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 24/10/2025 16:58

I think you're doing the right thing. Your son sounds very vulnerable.

I can see why DP is annoyed, and I can see why you don't want to go. Both things can be true. I would try to listen to him and make it clear you understand how difficult this is for him too.