To cancel holiday with DP?

[Aprilespe]

I've been with DP 5 years, and I have a 19yo DS.

The past 2 years have been tough for DS, he's struggled with his mental health for years and has since been diagnosed with BPD also known as EUPD, he had a 3 month section last year from May-August and then was sectioned from November-July this year, then a few weeks after being discharged was sectioned again and was discharged at the end of last month. He was in hospital for both his 18th and 19th birthdays.

While he was sectioned he was still self harming and was put on a 1:1 supervision, I was constantly worrying about him, he didn't want me visiting because he thought I was out to get him which was part of the psychosis and him being so unwell but it did still hurt and we aren't that close still even now. The hospital also has added more trauma to him as some friends he made ended their lives and other friends he talks to they seem to egg each other on, talking about section 136’s etc.

He seemed to be doing okay upon discharge though, he is on anti depressants and antipsychoctics medication and he seemed really positive, he wanted to get a job and eventually study and go to uni etc. But this past week he's been similar to how he used to be, he ended up punching a wall not to be aggressive but to hurt himself because he has no access to anything sharp, he's ended up breaking his hand. Then last night he went out and turned his phone off and I ended up reporting it to the police. He came back a few hours later and said he just wanted time on his own.

DP booked a holiday a few months ago for us. It's next week but after last night and how DS has been I don't feel comfortable leaving him, I've told DP this and it caused a row and he said DS is manipulative and did it because he knows I was going away and if I went he wouldn't do anything, it’d be all talk but I beg to differ, he's had many suicide attempts and I don't think they were “all talk”.

We did go on holiday whilst he was sectioned too so it's not like we haven't had any time together.

But AIBU? Am I really “babying” DS as he says?

The girls aren't in any danger, when they're here DS doesn't even talk to them. They weren't exposed to him punching the wall either.

It's still valid for him not to want someone who is regularly so dysregulated they self harm and punch walls around his children, sorry OP. Even if he isn't a direct risk to them, that behaviour can be frightening for younger ones to witness.

How old are they, and why doesn't he talk to them? It must be challenging for them too. Even if he isn't any risk to them, living with someone who doesn't talk to you can be quite uncomfortable - from experience it's hard for everyone to live with someone with complex mental health needs, always walking on eggshells, looking for symptoms, trying best not to trigger them - maybe your DP wants needs some time with his DD's where does not have to do that. Whilst also appreciating that you couldn't relax leaving DS on his own. Could he just take his DD's?

No I wouldn’t go OP.
and the bottom line is because YOU don’t want to. And why should you?

DP input here is red flags for me. Perhaps unfairly, but why would you as a parent leave your unwell child to holiday with his.

do you need a break? Absolutely yes.

but not like this.

In order to protect you and then your child, start putting you first.

Perhaps a rest from everyone is what you need.

I hope you are ok, the most awful thing x

His DD’s are 11 and 7, DS doesn't talk to them because he's in his room most of the time, on the odd occasion where they speak to him he does answer them but he never starts the conversation with them. He doesn't really talk to us either.

I have told DP to go on his own with his DD’s but he isn't happy with that either, he just expects me to leave DS

I have no idea why dp woukd even ask you to holiday with his children when your own child is in such a bad way. He is coming across as very selfish. Clearly it’s not in the best interests of you or your son.

If he doesn’t want his dc around your son, fine, he can move out. Your son needs you, even if he is struggling to communicate that to you atm.

Under normal circumstances a holiday might be a welcome break, but it is unlikely to be that someone else’s teen children, and your own son stiuck at home self harming.

I couldn’t enjoy a holiday leaving my child behind in crisis, and I would be really angry with any expectations that I might go anyway.

Your dp really doesn’t care about your ds, and doesn’t even pretend to now.

If your partner doesnt feel that his children are safe
He can move out
Your son needs you

Honestly I don’t think anyone is wrong this whole situation is sad for everyone involved with you being pulled multiple ways.

While your DP is wrong to just expect you to leave your DS , I do get why he feels frustrated about everything and he should be concerned about his girls - sorry you are wrong there - the fact your DS doesn’t talk to them is also toxic and making a weird home environment for them.

Can you and your DP stop living together - you don’t need to break up but stop living together so you can both focus on your kids. I really think you are between a rock and a hard place with to your DS right now … big hugs

I agree with this.

You need to prioritise you son, dh needs to prioritise his daughters.

Ok, so they weren't around when he punched the wall,they could be next time he self harms, and even the worry and stress of him disappearing or struggling with his emotions, they will pick up on and it makes for a difficult home environment.

I think dh should go on holiday with his daughters and on return one of you should move out. Then maybe once things are more settled, you both need to reassess your relationship