How can I help my mum be / feel less cranky?

[tupils]

I love my mother. She’s 80, nearly 81.
But in recent months (over the last few years really) she seems to wear her emotions closer to the surface and she can’t seem to manage herself like she used to.

The littlest things seem to be a stress for her and she gets quite quickly annoyed with other people. There are a few family members with quirks that can be a bit annoying (I’m sure it’s the same for everyone) but we still love them and have tolerated it over the years, as you do, nobody’s perfect, etc.

But I have noticed recently my mum will sometimes be more awkward / challenging with guests and visitors, and it spoils the atmosphere and gets a bit embarrassing. She likes catching people out, pointing it out when they are wrong or implying that she disapproves of things they do/don’t do. It’s mainly targeted at people that I know she finds annoying or threatening for whatever reason. And if I try to gently explain later that Uncle Bob was a bit defensive or prickly in response to HER manner or something she said, she will get all sulky and cross with me at first, then start over-thinking and over-analysing and winding herself up about things. She spends far too much time dwelling on details and making mountains out of molehills.

Is this just a sign of age? She’s otherwise perfectly ‘with it’, she just seems to be less inclined to ‘filter’ or keep a check on her emotions and behaviour . I find I am increasingly on edge and needing to ‘manage’ social occasions, particularly with one of my siblings and their partner. I used to love family occasions like Christmas, but this year is the first time I am actually feeling really anxious about it, because I feel I can’t trust her to just be nice!

It’s possible that it is a sign of age. Is it something to do with the pre frontal cortex getting older? I might have made that up, so don’t quote me.

It doesn’t sound like you’re able to be brutally honest with her if she’s winding herself up over things, but maybe you could ask her what’s going on, because she doesn’t seem happy spending time with other people and then go from there? Maybe ask her to give you a signal and you’ll walk her round the garden for some fresh air if she finds herself getting irritated or short tempered. It might be an idea to do this when she’s dwelling on what she’s said, so she at least acknowledges that there was an issue and you’re not just making stuff up.

Or you could wait til she starts, rush in and change the subject quickly or ask the recipient of her disapproval to come and help you do something

Or you could tell everyone that she’s becoming blunter as she gets older and not to take it personally as it’s not meant unkindly and she does dwell on it afterwards.

Or you could interrupt and tell her that if she can’t say anything nice, to not say anything at all (I wouldn’t advise this one, I think it might trigger a bit of a strop and put a dampener on the day)

Or you could accept that people change as they get older and that nobody is expecting you to manage anything or be responsible for what she says. And then afterwards, if she’s complaining that uncle Bob was a bit grumpy, shrug your shoulders, say you don’t know and ask her what she thinks could have made him grumpy.

It seems to me that when we get older we lose our ability to tolerate fools and stupidity, the filter goes out the window, and we tell it as it is. Causing upset and havoc.

We can seem to handle stress like we used to. Little things become blown out of all proportion. Things we did daily become too difficult. We get selfish and stop thinking of others needs and wishes. Hoarding can start.

We start off like toddlers and end up like toddlers, needing our bums changed and reminded of our manners.

My dad is 80 and his social "filter" is definitely wearing thin. He says what he wants to and just blames it on his age.....
I've started to distance myself from him now due to his harsh words. Still my dad but

Does she WANT to be/feel less "cranky"?

Thank you for replying :-) These are good ideas, I do already do the distraction thing, it’s a bit draining but it does work sometimes. I know there isn't really a single solution, I just feel a bit lonely with this, normally mum is my confidant but she can’t really help with this one.

I don’t think she recognises it.

Just bumping in case anyone else has any pearls of wisdom / messages of solidarity. Either would be most gratefully received..

Perhaps she's just fed up with being nice.

She’s 80 she’s had a lifetime of be nice, think about other people, put up with their annoying quirks. She’s probably had to run around after them and look after them.
I expect she’s bloody fed up of it all; why should she be the one always thinking about others and behaving properly?
Im in my 60’s and already starting to get cranky with the sheer number of idiots around. Fortunately I have MN as an outlet, can you get her on here?

No advice really, but do send you solidarity as my mum (85) is the same. I think a lot of it is simply down to the fact she’s in pain from an aging body, and doesn’t sleep well as a consequence. I know when I’m tired and feeling crap I can also be a dick, But sometimes she’s so blunt it comes as such a shock, as she was always so kind and considerate of people’s feelings.

Firstly I would say that it's not your job to filter what your Mum says. She is an adult and is entitled to say what she thinks and feels and it's rather patronising to decide that just because she's 80 she's not allowed to. Fairyliz has nailed it. She's had years of being nice and isn't going to be any more. The people with the 'quirks' that she's put up with are the ones who need to behave and if you want to get involved (and personally I wouldn't) then it is to them you should address your 'be nicer' thoughts.
Respectfully, if my children started to police my thoughts feelings and behaviour I'd tell them politely to mind their own business.

Hi OP, I can relate. My mother is a similar age and while she has always been very straight forward which I admire, she has become increasingly intolerant of other people. She craves company as she is lonely but then complains , judges and finds fault in most people that she spends time with . If I try to play devil's advocate or gently remind her that we are all different with our own quirks , and not being the same or thinking in the same way as she does not mean they are wrong,she gets annoyed with me.

It’s her frontal lobe deteriorating with age. She’s lost her filter.

I’d enjoy it, if I were you. Enjoy letting her say what everyone else is thinking. There might be some useful home truths flying around.

Solidarity!

My mum is 81 and she's like this. I've started to realise she has a lot of narc traits and it seems as if as she's getting older, they are coming to the surface/dominating. I don't remember her being so intolerant, abrasive and determined to be right when I was a child.

She struggles in her relationship with my father, which is sad. When she socialises with others, she tends to want to dominate, doesn't listen, is highly opinionated and doesn't have a filter. The part I think that had changed the most is the lack of filter, but also the lack of empathy. She literally doesn't give AF.

The problem I have is that the person she finds most difficult to coexist with is my child who is 7. They have developmental trauma, sensory processing difficulties and possible ND.... so it's a bit of a sh!t show when they are both together. I feel as if I am trying to manage the situation/relationship and like a cross between a referee and a therapist. It is exhausting!

My approach when trying to talk to her about all this is to gently enquire and try to identify what is stressing her in life. I recognise that her window of tolerance has become quite small indeed, so I have been trying to understand whether that is just age-related or whether there are factors contributing to this that can be worked on. I think now she is elderly my mum feels the need to try to control everything, perhaps to help herself feel safer.

Anyway, I don't have any great advice other than, I think it is okay to call out the bad behaviour when the parent is being mean/rude/petty (or whatever negative emotion) towards others. Just because they are elderly doesn't mean it is okay to be like that - barring dementia etc.

Thank you, I’m sorry you’re experiencing the similar thing. Solidarity with you too.

It hurts when the clash is between people you love. For me it’s my sister and her partner and my mum. They are all lovely people but they just annoy each other. It’s difficult because my sister and her partner annoy / ‘trigger’ my mum in ways that aren't personal, but my mum decides to take personally (it’s an issue with her own insecurities) and so she then gets argumentative and awkward and critical of them, which they (rightly) perceive as a personal attack, and it’s just so stressful to see people you love in your life hurt each other. We've managed to have such happy times in past decades. I wish mum would have mellowed with age rather than become so on edge and snappy.

I think you’re right that finding out how she is, generally, and identifying / minimising stress overall is a good approach. She does find Christmas stressful, so I’m going to start preparing and planning for that well in advance this year x

Christ, I’m 50 and my tolerance for people’s bullshit has already flown out the window.

Why do you feel like it’s your job to fix her or change her?

Minimising the time the family members spend with her is one approach. My mum and sister know and acknowledge that any longer than two days and they start bickering and fall out. So they stick to one or two days max.

If the others are using you to address your mum’s behaviour, ask them why they think you are able to do anything and perhaps they need to try and do something first before expecting you to.

You could ask your mum if she is feeling ok, she seems “out of sorts” and rather down about people, why is that? Etc

Why are you trying to manage her interactions. Don't bother.

Manage yourself. Learn boundaries.

I just want the family to have a happy time together. 🙁

Oh I can see why this stresses you out.
This might not be your situation at all, but hear me out...
I've been a people pleaser for a long time and shirk at the slightest sign of conflict and feel very responsible for 'managing' other people's emotions etc. Which just isnt a reasonable explanation of myself. It comes from having a grumpy, volatile parent when I was younger. I no longer am able to recognise what is normal levels of family friction and what isnt - you can argue there is no 'normal' sure, but i honestly have no idea.
I've also realised that as my other parent kept the peace, I've been taught not to react, and I've almost internalised a lesson that someone can behave like a dick, but if I react, IM the problem. That the issue comes from someone challenging someone being a that, rather than viewing the issue as stemming from the that themselves. Does that resonate at all? Im just wondering whether part of this is your mum being fed up of having to sit quietly while people are annoying/dicks. Obviously there's other stuff going on, as mentioned by PP, but I recognise the way you talk about how it makes you feel a lot.

My mum is the same age and in the same position. She says exactly what she thinks, it just comes out. She has no patience. She finds everything stressful. She’s very grumpy, depressed really.
I think to a certain extent it’s to be expected. She is tired, she doesn’t sleep well, she’s lost my father, she’s lost some friends over the years, her body doesn’t work as well as it used to, she’s fearful of being scammed, of being alone, of what the future holds and how little life is ahead compared to behind. Through age and circumstance she’s fairly socially isolated so social skills are starting to decline and when she does mix it’s harder for her to join in. All in all, there’s a lot for her to be unhappy about and it’s harder for her to be as social as she used to so I sympathise and tolerate the moaning, complaining, bluntness. I accept she will cry over something that seems trivial to me.
I have learned that talking her through tasks or plans can reduce her anxiety. For example if she’s coming to stay with me for the weekend she is so anxious but isn’t even sure what she’s worried about. I will call and we talk about what time she will get on the train, I say I will be ready to meet her when she arrives, etc. Just saying it helps stop her worrying.

I get that but it’s not your job to try and fix other people and change how they behave.

I’m going to say something that might come across as harsh but I mean it kindly, but you need to accept that families can be messy, argue and that’s normal. You seem to feel that you have to find a way of making everyone behave like they are in the happy ending stage of a Hallmark movie but that’s unrealistic and unfair to expect that of yourself and others. Learn to embrace the foibles and grumpiness, make a joke of it (I see Grandpa is on form today, we used to say when he started going on about his neighbours and the dustbins etc etc). They are all adults and they have responsibility for their own behaviour, you don’t need to police it or manage it.

Sympathies, I definitely recognize a lot of this. In the case of my elderly relative I think it was a combination of a whole heap of factors causing it, which made it hard to know how or even if to address it. I think it was partially the fact that that generation was heavily socialised to behave in a very 'sweet', passive, put others before yourself thing, particularly around male members of the family- it can then be quite a shock to see their more 'natural' personality emerge perhaps with a bit of age-related cognitive changes which can reduce inhibition and make people more likely to speak their mind, plus of course just naturally giving less of a shit/having less to lose as you get older. Plus also it's easy to forget/underestimate as a younger person just how rubbish it can be to get old, often you face losing your life partner/spouse or becoming a carer for them, you lose a lot of friends and wider family to death and illness too, your own health issues and reducing mobility or cognition, I think if any of us were going through all this we'd be more than a little cranky too so why should we expect it from the elderly?

What to do, I think as you've found it's not always very effective to address it through hints and indirect discussion, personally I found the best way was to try and avoid flash point situations as far as possible - like you my mother was the host of the family and she was used to having frequent visitors but found it increasingly stressful and got snappy and snippy with visitors as a result. It was quite difficult because often people particularly more distant family members had put themselves to considerable trouble, travelling some distance etc to visit only to be passive - aggressively criticised and their faults nitpicked at over the tea and biscuits whilst being treated as a huge imposition. When asked she denied not wanting to host any more and she wasn't happy if people simply didn't visit at all either! But basically we all learnt that she couldn't really cope with or want overnight guests anymore, or to have to cook for/feed people in the house (even takeaways or people bringing their own food upset her because of the mess and having to set the table and clear up after), and we adjusted accordingly. She seemed much happier being taken out for tea/cake or even just going out for a walk or drive and there were far fewer rows as a result!