How can I help my mum be / feel less cranky?

[tupils]

I love my mother. She’s 80, nearly 81.
But in recent months (over the last few years really) she seems to wear her emotions closer to the surface and she can’t seem to manage herself like she used to.

The littlest things seem to be a stress for her and she gets quite quickly annoyed with other people. There are a few family members with quirks that can be a bit annoying (I’m sure it’s the same for everyone) but we still love them and have tolerated it over the years, as you do, nobody’s perfect, etc.

But I have noticed recently my mum will sometimes be more awkward / challenging with guests and visitors, and it spoils the atmosphere and gets a bit embarrassing. She likes catching people out, pointing it out when they are wrong or implying that she disapproves of things they do/don’t do. It’s mainly targeted at people that I know she finds annoying or threatening for whatever reason. And if I try to gently explain later that Uncle Bob was a bit defensive or prickly in response to HER manner or something she said, she will get all sulky and cross with me at first, then start over-thinking and over-analysing and winding herself up about things. She spends far too much time dwelling on details and making mountains out of molehills.

Is this just a sign of age? She’s otherwise perfectly ‘with it’, she just seems to be less inclined to ‘filter’ or keep a check on her emotions and behaviour . I find I am increasingly on edge and needing to ‘manage’ social occasions, particularly with one of my siblings and their partner. I used to love family occasions like Christmas, but this year is the first time I am actually feeling really anxious about it, because I feel I can’t trust her to just be nice!

Be patient, listen to her, and show small kindnesses—like helping out or spending time together. Sometimes just feeling heard and supported helps a lot.

Why is your sister allowed to ‘trigger’ her but your mum isn’t allowed to respond?

maybe a word with your sister about being more self aware of the things she brings up

Thanks everyone, posting this has really helped me, there is truth to what everyone has said, even people who have told me home truths.

To give a couple of examples, it isn’t that others are particularly difficult or rude, it’s just my mum’s insecurities that get triggered. If she were young today, I bet she would get an ADHD diagnosis. She is rather messy, and knows it, it’s a constant battle she fights, and my sister’s husband comes from a family that is scrupulously clean and tidy, and their house is always spotless. So now any time one of them mentions doing any form of housework or home maintenance (in its broadest form, from a story about a coffee cup stain, to mowing the lawn, to clearing out the attic) mum will choose to interpret this as an indirect criticism of her cluttered attic or whatever and then have a dig at the next opportunity ( like she will point out an inconsistency in a story my sister is telling, just to point-score).

And I will never forget the time my Aunt and Uncle were five minutes early for Easter lunch and mum answered the door with a shocked/dismayed expression and the greeting “Oh. You’re early.” Just SO unwelcoming, I nearly died as the warm smiles slid from my relative’s faces and the awkwardness set in before they’d even got their coats off.

It makes her sound horrible and she isn’t always like this, but as PP have said I think it might be stress-related and having people round is stressful (even though I do all the prep and work for hosting) so it brings out the worst in her.

@NoctuaAthene thank you for your post, it really seems like you understand x

Old people do become blunter - I remember my grandad saying he didn’t have much time left so why waste it beating about the bush!

in your examples, maybe just don’t discuss cleaning and clutter? Sounds a bit like they’re struggling to make conversation tbh

as for the ‘you’re early’ - it also sounds like your relatives re sensitive? I can’t imagine someone not just laughing it off and saying ‘we thought you’d want us for as long as possible!’ Or such like.

it also comes from living alone as I know younger people who are the same - I think you can fall out of practice dealing with people

nothing wrong with pulling her up if she’s been nasty but I think in your examples there’s some sensitivity in other people and around certain topics so not all on your mums shoulders