To wish he treated me just a little bit worse?

[Dunnowhatimat]

Yes, I know I sound like a psycho. There's (mundane but possibly relevant) backstory but I just want to know if anyone has ever been in the position of being treated badly but not enough to make u leave, but not alright enough to make u feel happy, and there's a part of you that wishes you'd just be treated that little bit worse so you'd feel justified leaving? And if so what u did and how u managed whatever your decision was.
Thanks

You don’t have to stay even if you’re treated like a princess or whatever. You can leave because it’s right for you

He could treat you like a queen, but you're still allowed to leave if it's not right for you. You don't have to justify your feelings to anyone.

The thing is, of course he isn't treating you badly enough for you to leave. He's found what you will tolerate and no more, he knows (consciously or subconsciously) how far he can push you, It's not a coincidence.

Are you looking for reasons to leave because you don't want to be the one to be blamed for ending the relationship? You want that justification. Is that really how you want to live just because you are afraid of what other people will say?

Sorry @ohyesido cross post.

I wished this for so long. I used to fantasise that he would cheat on me, or start being openly vile to me so I would have a good reason to leave and not be the bad guy.

It never happened, so we just continued our dead relationship for years until I finally left.

I should have been braver and dealt with the fallout much sooner.

Why do you feel like you need justification to leave? Are there other people (kids) who will be affected?

I get the need to have a reason for why you left. He cheated, was violent, something that draws a line in the sand that’s easily explained and understood.

Knowing that you don’t want this to be the rest of your life is a reason. A good enough reason. More than fucking reasonable reason.

Do you want this man/relationship to be the rest of your life?

not alright enough to make u feel happy

There’s your justification. You have to start believing that you are allowed to end a relationship for whatever reason you want. He doesn’t need to beat you, or cheat on you, or lie to you, or anything else. And you don’t need to give him a reason. You just say ‘I’m ending this relationship, I’ve lost my feelings for you and I don’t want to continue.’ That’s literally it. That’s all that needs to be said.

If he really wants an explanation and keeps pushing for one, then tell him it’s not one reason, but death by a thousand cuts. It’s this, that and the other. Nothing by itself, but when you put it all together over however long you’ve been together, it has killed all feelings and attraction you felt and the relationship is now done.

He could also treat you like a queen, look like the most handsome man you’ve ever seen and have a fantastic personality. But if you’re not feeling it, the conversation is over.

Its an actual thing, its the boiling frog theory. Theres a name for it but my brain wont tell me the name.

Basically you're too lazy to take any action because that takes effort, its scary and its not shit shit, you're putting up with mundane because its not absolutely terrible, but you're not happy and never will be.

Stop being lazy. Stop accepting mundane, realise youll never be happy and Take action. End it, walk away, take the leap, make a change. Your life is there for living. You don't owe anyone anything.

You’re not happy.
That is bad enough.

I really do appreciate all replies so far. Perhaps I do need to give more info - we have a (mid-severe) autistic child together, are married and I'm a Christian, so leaving is much more difficult than if we were just partners and/or if it was just the case that things were mundane or I didn't love him. Our daughter needs us both. I made a commitment before God. Yes I'm scared too, no denying it. But my faith and daughter are the real obstacles

I understand how you might feel you’d be breaking your wedding vows by leaving and therefore the ‘bad guy’.
But that’s not actually what the vows are: the vows are things like loving, cherishing, honouring and protecting.
How’s he getting on with those things OP? Is he cherishing you? does he love you?

If he doesn’t, and you don’t him either, then the vows are long broken. Splitting up is just being honest about it. And respecting the other person enough to be honest about it. And honesty and respect have to be good things.

Possibly you need to get in touch with MNHQ to entirely change your thread title and OP as you'll attract answers which don't address your real concerns.

Yes. I hoped he'd yell, or cheat, or worse, so I had a valid reason. But the slow steady days of unhappiness ended up making me lose myself. I'm nearly 3 weeks out and I'm feeling so much better, happier, and peaceful. You can do it. It's hard but you can, and it is worth it.

Your daughter may need her parents. But the don’t have to be together. I can’t believe any god would want you to be miserable. If he’s treating you badly then he’s breaking his vows. Not you.

I spent 3/4 years waiting because "why ?" I died a death every day OP. You're not happy so do what it takes to be happy?

I don't follow a religion, but I understand why you feel constrained to remain in your marriage. Ask yourself if God would want you to be unhappy? Would God not want you to be the best mother to your child that you can be? Make peace with your decision, we have free will and should use it as I understand it?
Look after yourself, there is a future for you outside of your marriage

Edited for spelling!

Does he have any idea how you are feeling ?
I get the impression you will plod on in this marriage regardless, in which case you should set standards of how you wish to be treated. Let him know.
What does he do that is making you unhappy ?

Don't understand why? There's a whole heap of stuff I could but am too mentally exhausted to add to the original post, but when I boiled it down my main question was the title one. I felt I wanted to add that little bit of context in reply to some of the responses as some were similar and I didn't want to reply individually (again, am genuinely mentally exhausted for various ressons not just my DH)

Yes. But he feels hard done by. By any objective standards I guarantee he's not, and didn't want to cloud the question by giving detail I know people who immediately respond to leave him. I know I sound very vague, apologies. You are unfortunately probably right, I will plod along. There's a part of me I think that I hope/d I'd get some revalationary advice. I'm not being smart or anything, don't mean it that way, I just dunno what else to actually do and wanted to (albeit vaguely!) write it down and get some opinions

Why does he feel hard done by ?
Is it due to your DC ?
Even so, that's no excuse for treating you badly.

YANBU @Dunnowhatimat.

There used to be a long running, support thread in Relationships for women who stay because things aren't bad enough to leave. I found it really helpful back when I was stuck in that situation.

Well, without getting too much into detail he's currently at home (his choice more or less, although it does somewhat suit us both atm) and he thinks I don't show enough appreciation. Although I have to work FT, have to sort and pay for all therapies, mental load of the house, bills, organisation. Do a lot of cleaning, and cooking 2/3 days a week.
Along with, of course, caring for my daughter although the main load is on him maybe 65/35 to him during term time. I give him thanks and do try to appreciate but the way he treats me makes me feel a bit sour and to be honest I've never been one to hide my emotions although I am getting a lot better at it these days

I get this. I suspect I will leave eventually. Don't lose yourself in the course of the relationship, it's ok to take your time, a lot of people who are in the process of breaking up have been there.

Really? I suppose a part of me was looking for a reply like this although I didn't know exactly what I was looking for until you commented. Not sure if I'm being a deranged weirdo or if other people have actually felt like this too. Any chance u have the link or know what I should search for?

I think when it gets to that point in saying things like that you know there is no love left.
I would leave even if it made me look like the bad one.
You have to be happy and tagging along with someone you dont want to be with but dont want to hurt, just may end up hurting the both of you in the end.

So cut the losses and live be happy.