To want him to express his feelings for me?

Arlanymor · 23/10/2025 17:26

What a bizarre attitude to have. Of course he's not right. Toxic masculinity.

Nestynoo · 23/10/2025 17:26

“Successful parenting means we are home alone”

😆

Nestynoo · 23/10/2025 17:27

And you think this man was a successful parent??!

Sagaciously · 23/10/2025 17:28

No, he’s not right. My husband is really demonstrative, complimentary and romantic.

I think you’ll have a job changing him after all this time and at his age. Why have you put up with him for so long?

PixieandMe · 23/10/2025 17:29

'Successful parenting means we are home alone and focused on us, couple time etc.'

What do you mean by that? It wouldn't be unsuccessful parenting if you still had adult children at home.

But anyway...

Does he show you that he cares? My OH doesn't need to tell me very often that he loves me. I just know because he cares, helps, supports, hugs me etc..

Jellybunny56 · 23/10/2025 17:29

I think after 60 years of life and 36 years together he is the person he is, if he’s never been particularly vocal or gushing then he’s not going to become that way now.

That said I don’t know about “real” men, but my husband is absolutely capable of & does consistently discuss his feelings and emotions with me just as much as I do with him.

I do wonder if this is a generational thing though as I know my gran often says that while my granda has always showed her he loves her in his actions he has actually only said the words twice, once on their wedding day and once on the day she had a scary surgery.

PixieandMe · 23/10/2025 17:30

Nestynoo · 23/10/2025 17:26

“Successful parenting means we are home alone”

😆

Sorry X-posted! That really stood out to me, too!

Arlanymor · 23/10/2025 17:32

PixieandMe · 23/10/2025 17:30

Sorry X-posted! That really stood out to me, too!

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I don't know what it means? 😕

Nestynoo · 23/10/2025 17:33

PixieandMe · 23/10/2025 17:30

Sorry X-posted! That really stood out to me, too!

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And you think a man like this would have been a good father??! 🤭

TooManyCupsAndMugs · 23/10/2025 17:37

Of course he isn't right. I'm married to a real man's man type and he still tells me constantly that he loves me, fancies me etc. I couldn't live with someone who was emotionally cold, how have you done for so many years?

Original poster

Shazzbutt555 · 23/10/2025 17:40

PixieandMe · 23/10/2025 17:29

'Successful parenting means we are home alone and focused on us, couple time etc.'

What do you mean by that? It wouldn't be unsuccessful parenting if you still had adult children at home.

But anyway...

Does he show you that he cares? My OH doesn't need to tell me very often that he loves me. I just know because he cares, helps, supports, hugs me etc..

It’s the new alternative to “empty nesters”.
If my love language was ‘acts of service’ that would do, I guess but it’s not. My love language is ‘words of affirmation’. So, my needs are not being met.

OP posts:

takealettermsjones · 23/10/2025 17:41

I feel like there's a lot to unpack there for quite a short OP!

Of course he's wrong to say that no men express their feelings, but why are you now seeking reassurance after 36 years of marriage? And you calling him an emotionally inept man child suggests you may not be effusive with loving sentiments for him either 🤣

To be honest, I think I'd feel really hurt if I got to my 60s, my kids had flown the nest, and then the person I (thought I) had been happily married to for several decades told me I wasn't meeting their needs and I needed to work on myself. Hell of a blow, unless of course this has been a running theme.

Nestynoo · 23/10/2025 17:50

Shazzbutt555 · 23/10/2025 17:40

It’s the new alternative to “empty nesters”.
If my love language was ‘acts of service’ that would do, I guess but it’s not. My love language is ‘words of affirmation’. So, my needs are not being met.

Edited

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No way would this man have been a good parent

no way

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 23/10/2025 17:51

His view about what "real men" are like is bollocks. Your desire for him to substantially change how demonstrative he is after all this time is... optimistic.

Wildgoat · 23/10/2025 17:53

Um you think he’s a man child who wished he’d stayed home with his mother. Do you think he doesn’t say his feelings as if he did honestly you’d not like it at all, as his feelings about you are similar to your feelings about him. Contempt.

tripleginandtonic · 23/10/2025 17:53

If that's the only thing he struggles with i think you're being unfair.

Wildgoat · 23/10/2025 17:53

Nestynoo · 23/10/2025 17:50

No way would this man have been a good parent

no way

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How not? You can be a fab parent and think your spouse is an arsehole and not want to articulate it.

Wildgoat · 23/10/2025 17:54

Shazzbutt555 · 23/10/2025 17:40

It’s the new alternative to “empty nesters”.
If my love language was ‘acts of service’ that would do, I guess but it’s not. My love language is ‘words of affirmation’. So, my needs are not being met.

Edited

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Then leave, bet he’s more vocal with the next one.

Original poster

Shazzbutt555 · 23/10/2025 17:57

Yes we have our long term problems which are too long to go into on here, eve if I wanted to.
Was just trying to get a feel for other relationships. I sometimes see couples who I assume have been married a long time holding hands, walking arm in arm.
I’ve always assumed couples express their love are affectionate in private. So don’t know if they do or not.

OP posts:

CopperWhite · 23/10/2025 18:01

If you’ve been married for 36 years, surely you knew he wasn’t especially open with emotions and loved him anyway? It’s a bit weird to try and get him to change his personality at any stage, but especially after you’ve already brought up children together.

You can’t expect to ‘have your needs met’ by making lie or behave in a way that is unnatural for him.

gannett · 23/10/2025 18:11

It's bollocks that "real men don't express emotions". I know plenty of men who are very demonstrative and have no problem showing their feelings. It's not a gendered thing; I also know many women who are buttoned-up and show they care in different ways (like me).

It's not really something that changes though, especially not after 36 years. It's not really the kind of thing you should want to change in your partner.

BauhausOfEliott · 23/10/2025 18:21

he’s an Emotionally Inept, man-child who regrets leaving his home and Mum aged 25

If someone felt like this about me, I wouldn't be keen to express my love for them either. You sound as if you really dislike your husband, so why are you expecting him to shower you with outpourings love and affection?

never has been a confident, demonstrative fella but my needs are that I need to hear how he feels about me

Not everyone finds it easy to express their feelings, and the whole tone of your post feels quite overbearing to me. Also, you've been married 36 years so I'm not sure why you'd expect him to undergo a personality change now. He can't just turn into a different person for you, and your 'needs' aren't more important than his.

Also, I don't think you do actually want to hear how feels about you. You want to hear him say what you want to hear, which really isn't the same thing.

Successful parenting means we are home alone

Not even going to dignify that line with a response.

ginasevern · 23/10/2025 18:29

I was married for 30 years until he suddenly died. He only ever used the word "love" maybe twice in all that time. We didn't walk around holding hands, packing on the PDA or gazing at each other across a candle lit table. I think your expectations sound unrealistic and romanticised. Some couples are tactile, most aren't particularly. You also sound as though you hate his guts, so why you'd want to run through fields of lavender with him laughing like a giddy teenager is a mystery.

BauhausOfEliott · 23/10/2025 18:31

Shazzbutt555 · 23/10/2025 17:57

Yes we have our long term problems which are too long to go into on here, eve if I wanted to.
Was just trying to get a feel for other relationships. I sometimes see couples who I assume have been married a long time holding hands, walking arm in arm.
I’ve always assumed couples express their love are affectionate in private. So don’t know if they do or not.

I suspect the couples you see holding hands and being all cuddly and affectionate generally have happy marriages, though. People don't generally hold hands with someone they're pissed off with.

You say your marriage has 'long term problems'. If you aren't happy as a couple, you aren't going to magically become happy by holding hands or saying empty words to one another. I think you're looking at this the wrong way around.

Nestynoo · 23/10/2025 18:35

ginasevern · 23/10/2025 18:29

I was married for 30 years until he suddenly died. He only ever used the word "love" maybe twice in all that time. We didn't walk around holding hands, packing on the PDA or gazing at each other across a candle lit table. I think your expectations sound unrealistic and romanticised. Some couples are tactile, most aren't particularly. You also sound as though you hate his guts, so why you'd want to run through fields of lavender with him laughing like a giddy teenager is a mystery.

You don’t say whether you were actually happy in this marriage @ginasevern ?