Dealing with husband being v grumpy... depression

Angels1111 · 2025-10-23T09:12:34+00:00

My husband goes through these horrendous mood swings where he's just ...flat...grumpy in his responses to stuff I say..and I don't know how to deal with it anymore. It's not all the time. But I never know when it's going to come up, it's just random. I find myself communicating with him less and less to protect my peace. I get he has an illness, but how do you continue to connect to a partner like this? Aibu to want to abandon ship? I would say that I'm quite sensitive and I do wish I had thicker skin. Eg "hey, I got a pay rise!" "Okay people get pay rises" Felt like a gut punch not to be celebrating with him... "How was your morning?" "Busy, but good" (this the morning before we were about to go on a holiday leaving at 2pm, I'd had a cold so hadn't prepped, so I expected to be busy) *Proceeds to give me a lecture on how I shouldn't be busy on a holy day* Felt like it made it much worse than it was.

Erorgreys · 23/10/2025 10:14

Sounds dire

any children enduring this home life as well?

Abracadabrador · 23/10/2025 10:16

A symptom of depression isn't lecturing or negging women.

I wouldn't find this sneering, droning behaviour attractive, and would be letting him know, and deciding if this life is really what I want, or I could choose peace and happiness.
Marriage is for life enhancement, ease, and fun, you do not need a thicker skin.

Look into doing a course on self esteem and confidence, don't let this man crush you further.

zipadeedodah · 23/10/2025 10:19

What is he doing about his depression and what treatment has he organised to deal with it?

Eg "hey, I got a pay rise!"
"Okay people get pay rises"
Felt like a gut punch not to be celebrating with him...

Thats not depression - thats nastiness. Nasty spiteful small minded jealous little man who can't bear the fact that his wife got a pay rise.

Did he take you out to celebrate your pay rise? Or buy a bottle of bubbly for you to celebrate at home? When was the last time he brought you a bunch of flowers?

Thinkonmadam · 23/10/2025 10:22

Is he medicated, in therapy, or doing anything to address his depression (if that’s what it is….)

Having an illness is no excuse if he’s not willing to address it. Is it v hard to ask for/seek help? Yes. Is it necessary for him to have a functioning relationship? Absolutely. You can leave someone for not being willing to address their mental health.

Original poster

Angels1111 · 23/10/2025 10:22

Erorgreys · 23/10/2025 10:14

Sounds dire

any children enduring this home life as well?

Yes one DS6

OP posts:

frozendaisy · 23/10/2025 10:27

Do you want your son to be this dismissive of females or when he’s in a relationship when he’s older?

Because what he sees between you both now, how you act towards each other, speak to each other, will have a lasting effect on him as he grows.

Does your H want his son to be like him when he’s older? Have you asked him that?

Original poster

Angels1111 · 23/10/2025 10:29

Abracadabrador · 23/10/2025 10:16

A symptom of depression isn't lecturing or negging women.

I wouldn't find this sneering, droning behaviour attractive, and would be letting him know, and deciding if this life is really what I want, or I could choose peace and happiness.
Marriage is for life enhancement, ease, and fun, you do not need a thicker skin.

Look into doing a course on self esteem and confidence, don't let this man crush you further.

Edited

He's like that with everyone not just me and when we have a heart to heart about it he says it's cos he doesn't feel good enough deep down and is constantly talking to himself like that

OP posts:

Original poster

Angels1111 · 23/10/2025 10:29

zipadeedodah · 23/10/2025 10:19

What is he doing about his depression and what treatment has he organised to deal with it?

Eg "hey, I got a pay rise!"
"Okay people get pay rises"
Felt like a gut punch not to be celebrating with him...

Thats not depression - thats nastiness. Nasty spiteful small minded jealous little man who can't bear the fact that his wife got a pay rise.

Did he take you out to celebrate your pay rise? Or buy a bottle of bubbly for you to celebrate at home? When was the last time he brought you a bunch of flowers?

No he didn't. But he does by me gifts, just a couple of days ago he did

OP posts:

JurassicPark4Eva · 23/10/2025 10:30

I've had terrible depression. I was still able to be happy for others even when I wanted to lie down and never move again.

He's being a prick and taking it out on you.

However, depression is also contagious (as my GP used to say) and living with a depressed person can absolutely drag you down with them. So be aware this can pull you down to his level over time.

You don't have to put up with it though. Especially if he's just a whingy twat without positives.

Original poster

Angels1111 · 23/10/2025 10:31

Thinkonmadam · 23/10/2025 10:22

Is he medicated, in therapy, or doing anything to address his depression (if that’s what it is….)

Having an illness is no excuse if he’s not willing to address it. Is it v hard to ask for/seek help? Yes. Is it necessary for him to have a functioning relationship? Absolutely. You can leave someone for not being willing to address their mental health.

He's having therapy but stops and starts. He's been in a group support group thing for about a year but it doesn't seem to have been helpful so he's now trying individual therapy.

OP posts:

Original poster

Angels1111 · 23/10/2025 10:33

frozendaisy · 23/10/2025 10:27

Do you want your son to be this dismissive of females or when he’s in a relationship when he’s older?

Because what he sees between you both now, how you act towards each other, speak to each other, will have a lasting effect on him as he grows.

Does your H want his son to be like him when he’s older? Have you asked him that?

No I don't..hence considering the separation but feel like I'm abandoning an ill person and I wouldn't want my DC to abandon an ill wife eg if she has pnd or something

OP posts:

Erorgreys · 23/10/2025 10:51

Angels1111 · 23/10/2025 10:22

Yes one DS6

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😞

Original poster

Angels1111 · 23/10/2025 10:51

JurassicPark4Eva · 23/10/2025 10:30

I've had terrible depression. I was still able to be happy for others even when I wanted to lie down and never move again.

He's being a prick and taking it out on you.

However, depression is also contagious (as my GP used to say) and living with a depressed person can absolutely drag you down with them. So be aware this can pull you down to his level over time.

You don't have to put up with it though. Especially if he's just a whingy twat without positives.

Yes it can definitely drag me down...I make sure I spend more time alone / with friends /family so it feels less heavy. Interesting to hear it's "contagious"!

OP posts:

Thinkonmadam · 23/10/2025 11:29

Angels1111 · 23/10/2025 10:31

He's having therapy but stops and starts. He's been in a group support group thing for about a year but it doesn't seem to have been helpful so he's now trying individual therapy.

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I would say it would be helpful for him to share what goals they have set in his therapy and if treating you better isn’t on the list it needs to be. Is he aware of how he is with you and does he see that it’s a problem? Does he feel terrible for being an arse to you or does he shrug it off? As others have said, this behaviour is not ‘classic depression’.

If he’s having CBT there should be an element in there of learning to take himself out of a stressful situation to evaluate his response to it, so being able to be a reasonable human being should be part of his learning but you really don’t know what he’s bringing to therapy unless he’s willing to share that with you. Top tip - trying to talk to him immediately after a session is probably not great as he will be exhausted/processing, so if you can find another time to talk.

if he’s only just started individual therapy I see why you would want to give him the benefit of some time but I think you need to set some timelines, whether you want to share them with him or not. More likely not, instead it might be useful to confide in a friend/relative and share with them a date at which you want to review his progress and think about next steps if he’s not moving forward. I would say you should be seeing changes in 6-8 weeks of constructive therapy. So that’s what, somewhere around Christmas. Perhaps New Year would be a good time to reflect and see where you are

frozendaisy · 23/10/2025 11:39

Angels1111 · 23/10/2025 10:33

No I don't..hence considering the separation but feel like I'm abandoning an ill person and I wouldn't want my DC to abandon an ill wife eg if she has pnd or something

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But there is a big gulf between abandoning an ill person and that person making someone else a shell of themselves.

Would you be ok if DS stayed in the relationship you are in? With seemingly little impetus from partner to get better, making DS feel like he couldn't talk to them, or had to leave the house?

And have you asked H how he thinks this affects his son? Doesn't he want to do everything he can to be a good, or just better dad? Go out, smile, love his mum?

I would sit H down, and as much as he won't want to hear your side you need to tell him. That you are tip-toeing around him, worried if you say the wrong thing it will set him off, that family life is splintered with little joy, that you feel sometimes your only open is to be out of what should be your home. That home, with your husband and son is not a santorary. It doesn't have to be an argument, it can be approached with love and care in that H is missing out on so much life. Your son will only be 6 for however many months, then only 7 for a year. How much time is going to pass when H can't even say "hey babe pay rise that's great".

Personally I wouldn't settle for anything less than H being fully determined to get to the root of his depression and doing everything, everything, he could to overcome it. Which would include a full on overhaul of sleep, food, alcohol, exercise, time in nature, limited doom-scrolling/screens, medication, therapy, me being able to say when he was being a prick without some sulky meltdown. An acknowledgement from him that it isn't easy for anyone not just him.

Buying a present a couple of days later just wouldn't cut it.

There is a fine line between support and enablement sometimes. And he has a 6 year old son who needs him, if he won't do it for himself or you I would expect him to do it for his son.

That would be my approached. Tough love basically.

Original poster

Angels1111 · 23/10/2025 12:32

frozendaisy · 23/10/2025 11:39

But there is a big gulf between abandoning an ill person and that person making someone else a shell of themselves.

Would you be ok if DS stayed in the relationship you are in? With seemingly little impetus from partner to get better, making DS feel like he couldn't talk to them, or had to leave the house?

And have you asked H how he thinks this affects his son? Doesn't he want to do everything he can to be a good, or just better dad? Go out, smile, love his mum?

I would sit H down, and as much as he won't want to hear your side you need to tell him. That you are tip-toeing around him, worried if you say the wrong thing it will set him off, that family life is splintered with little joy, that you feel sometimes your only open is to be out of what should be your home. That home, with your husband and son is not a santorary. It doesn't have to be an argument, it can be approached with love and care in that H is missing out on so much life. Your son will only be 6 for however many months, then only 7 for a year. How much time is going to pass when H can't even say "hey babe pay rise that's great".

Personally I wouldn't settle for anything less than H being fully determined to get to the root of his depression and doing everything, everything, he could to overcome it. Which would include a full on overhaul of sleep, food, alcohol, exercise, time in nature, limited doom-scrolling/screens, medication, therapy, me being able to say when he was being a prick without some sulky meltdown. An acknowledgement from him that it isn't easy for anyone not just him.

Buying a present a couple of days later just wouldn't cut it.

There is a fine line between support and enablement sometimes. And he has a 6 year old son who needs him, if he won't do it for himself or you I would expect him to do it for his son.

That would be my approached. Tough love basically.

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Yeh we had this sit down talk yesterday, and he understood exactly how he's been impacting me/us...but is unsure (as I am) what he can do about it, as I feel...done...and he's only just started therapy (well, he was doing the group thing but that doesn't appear to have helped fully). He's much better than he was a year ago in the sense he can participate in daily life..but like a pp said I find it hard to relate to his version of depression...I've had it before but still managed to participate in daily life because you have to and I don't think I was mean to pppl...

OP posts:

Original poster

Angels1111 · 23/10/2025 12:34

Thinkonmadam · 23/10/2025 11:29

I would say it would be helpful for him to share what goals they have set in his therapy and if treating you better isn’t on the list it needs to be. Is he aware of how he is with you and does he see that it’s a problem? Does he feel terrible for being an arse to you or does he shrug it off? As others have said, this behaviour is not ‘classic depression’.

If he’s having CBT there should be an element in there of learning to take himself out of a stressful situation to evaluate his response to it, so being able to be a reasonable human being should be part of his learning but you really don’t know what he’s bringing to therapy unless he’s willing to share that with you. Top tip - trying to talk to him immediately after a session is probably not great as he will be exhausted/processing, so if you can find another time to talk.

if he’s only just started individual therapy I see why you would want to give him the benefit of some time but I think you need to set some timelines, whether you want to share them with him or not. More likely not, instead it might be useful to confide in a friend/relative and share with them a date at which you want to review his progress and think about next steps if he’s not moving forward. I would say you should be seeing changes in 6-8 weeks of constructive therapy. So that’s what, somewhere around Christmas. Perhaps New Year would be a good time to reflect and see where you are

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Thank you, that's really helpful. Having CBT to stop himself responding and think about what he's saying would be great!
And it's a good idea to have some timelines in mind, and very helpful to understand that 6-8 weeks is a reasonable timeframe to expect some more steadiness/stability.

I wish I could show him this thread, some very helpful replies!

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HappyNewTaxYear · 23/10/2025 12:37

Tell him to stop being an arsehole on a holy day.

What holy day was this, by the way?

Original poster

Angels1111 · 23/10/2025 12:37

Thinkonmadam · 23/10/2025 11:29

I would say it would be helpful for him to share what goals they have set in his therapy and if treating you better isn’t on the list it needs to be. Is he aware of how he is with you and does he see that it’s a problem? Does he feel terrible for being an arse to you or does he shrug it off? As others have said, this behaviour is not ‘classic depression’.

If he’s having CBT there should be an element in there of learning to take himself out of a stressful situation to evaluate his response to it, so being able to be a reasonable human being should be part of his learning but you really don’t know what he’s bringing to therapy unless he’s willing to share that with you. Top tip - trying to talk to him immediately after a session is probably not great as he will be exhausted/processing, so if you can find another time to talk.

if he’s only just started individual therapy I see why you would want to give him the benefit of some time but I think you need to set some timelines, whether you want to share them with him or not. More likely not, instead it might be useful to confide in a friend/relative and share with them a date at which you want to review his progress and think about next steps if he’s not moving forward. I would say you should be seeing changes in 6-8 weeks of constructive therapy. So that’s what, somewhere around Christmas. Perhaps New Year would be a good time to reflect and see where you are

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To answer the other quns...I don't think he was aware, before, of the extent of the issue. I've shared but he hasn't heard it properly. Last night I lay it all bare again and he got it, and does feel terrible and sees it as a problem and really apologised and said he feels like he's not "good enough" to be a husband which frustrated me as he turned himself into a victim.

OP posts:

Original poster

Angels1111 · 23/10/2025 12:39

HappyNewTaxYear · 23/10/2025 12:37

Tell him to stop being an arsehole on a holy day.

What holy day was this, by the way?

He doesn't see in the moment he's being an arse, and digs his heels in further. In retrospect he does see it. It's like he's under the influence of alcohol or something which is clouding him (he's not, but I can't think of how else to explain it).
Diwali.

OP posts:

Original poster

Angels1111 · 23/10/2025 12:39

HappyNewTaxYear · 23/10/2025 12:37

Tell him to stop being an arsehole on a holy day.

What holy day was this, by the way?

Lol just noticed your username 🤣

OP posts:

bumbaloo · 23/10/2025 12:48

The number of women I have come across in life who are just vile to their dh far outnumbers the number of men.
on MN the Jen would still be blamed. Or the menopause. Or PND. But when it’s men they are apparently arseholes and deserve to be left

HappyNewTaxYear · 23/10/2025 12:49

Angels1111 · 23/10/2025 12:39

He doesn't see in the moment he's being an arse, and digs his heels in further. In retrospect he does see it. It's like he's under the influence of alcohol or something which is clouding him (he's not, but I can't think of how else to explain it).
Diwali.

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I’m sorry you’re having to put up with this. He can control this aspect of his behaviour, he’s just choosing not to. The most charitable thing I can think of is that he’s stuck in a negative rut in his responses. It’s his responsibility to seek treatment though. You can’t fix him.

Anditstartedagain · 23/10/2025 12:51

Angels1111 · 23/10/2025 10:29

He's like that with everyone not just me and when we have a heart to heart about it he says it's cos he doesn't feel good enough deep down and is constantly talking to himself like that

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Sounds like the doesn’t think you are good enough either.

Nearly50omg · 23/10/2025 13:05

Angels1111 · 23/10/2025 10:33

No I don't..hence considering the separation but feel like I'm abandoning an ill person and I wouldn't want my DC to abandon an ill wife eg if she has pnd or something

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He’s not ill he’s abusive. Look up domestic abuse and read all the types that there are. Constantly being negative and nasty to your partner isn’t part of being ill it’s just a personality trait. Leave him before it impacts your child even more. You think they don’t see much but in fact they see an awful lot more than we had hoped