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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt?

38 replies

JustAGuessingGame · 23/10/2025 09:57

I've been dating a guy for roughly about 4 months now and its been tricky to say the least. He isn't into labels or anything to do with emotions, theres been several red flags but i have been talked down from pulling away by saying i am being ridiculous, its not a big deal and tells me how he is falling for me, etc. This past week we have had the "exclusive talk" and feelings views but immediately after there has been some sketchy things happen that is making me question everything but also desperate to not let him leave.

Last week he was randomly told me about him arranging a coffee with some random he used to talk to (but never met) off tinder. I said that was a deal breaker for me and he twisted the narrative to blame me, saying i told him to explore things with others. I did not say this.

Last night he came over, repeated that he was falling for me, wanted us to work, how exclusivity would cement trust, etc. We slept together even though i wasnt fully emotionally invested in it and afterwards he proceeded to tell me he had been dating someone else for 2 weeks after we met and had slept with them 3 hours after meeting me. However in the same narrative said he instantly new i was the one he wanted that day. I threw him out my house and ive since recieved a load of abuse saying im unreasonable for feeling hurt by this and its none of my business what he did that first week as were nothing. Saying its over because im manipulative.

I do understand his points here but i feel i have been led on by false narratives this whole time. AIBU? Any advice on what to do here?

OP posts:
Original poster
JustAGuessingGame · 23/10/2025 09:58

Sorry for the long post, my head is a mess and ive had no sleep at all because of this 😣

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 23/10/2025 09:58

Stop seeing him.

Butterflywings84 · 23/10/2025 09:59

Leave. It should not be this hard this early on

Floatingdownriver · 23/10/2025 09:59

You said yourself there were red flags early on. I say this with kindness, book some counselling and work out why you’ve accepted these crumbs because you should not. It’s no way to live and you deserve so much more.

PastaAllaNorma · 23/10/2025 10:00

You are being unreasonable by listening to any of his bullshit.

Value yourself. Block this bottom feeder and move on. You are worth so much more.

JudgeBread · 23/10/2025 10:00

For Christ's sake, if it's "tricky" only four months in just ditch him. If women just raised their bars across the board and stopped dating men like this we might be able to breed them out.

CoralPombear · 23/10/2025 10:01

He just wants to do what he wants doesn’t he. Why is he telling you these things, does he want to make himself seem more desirable or make you feel jealous because it’s clearly having the opposite effect. He seems almost like he has little experience of real relationships. Not the one for you!

Erorgreys · 23/10/2025 10:10

4 poxy months and it’s “been tricky”

bloody hell, raise your benchmark for a half decent relationship op

Erorgreys · 23/10/2025 10:10

Really hoping neither of you have children

Endofyear · 23/10/2025 11:43

You do know that the beginning of a relationship should be fun, exciting, getting to know each other and enjoying the process? What you've described is nothing like that. Block this game-playing loser and move on. He is a waste of your time and your energy.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 23/10/2025 11:46

You did the right thing in kicking him out.

I think you should forget all about him now, even if it's difficult.

You should get an STI check if he's been sleeping around.

FuzzyWolf · 23/10/2025 11:59

Four months and all of this?! Yes, get an STI check, block him and find someone who makes dating enjoyable and fun.

DontStopMeNowGoodTime · 23/10/2025 12:03

He sounds awful. It shouldn't be hard or tricky at 4 months in. Why are you desperate not to let him leave OP? Do you have bad self esteem? It will only get worse if you contine with this man and his mind games.

Irenesortof · 23/10/2025 12:12

Just stop immediately. He’s playing games and doesn’t want a serious relationship with you or probably with anyone. ‘Falling for you’ - so what.

AgDulAmach · 23/10/2025 12:18

I know this will sound critical OP, but it boggles me that anyone gets away with the sort of behaviour this guy is displaying. If someone tried that on with me I'd probably laugh in his face, it's so stupid and childish.

Please don't give this idiot another minute of thought. He is a dick who likes messing you about and you've fallen for it. There are plenty of people out there who are kind, straightforward and fun. Spend time with them instead.

DaisyChain505 · 23/10/2025 12:21

Dump him, work on yourself and building your self respect/confidence/esteem and then you’ll never even entertain men like this.

BauhausOfEliott · 23/10/2025 13:07

OP, this is a terrible relationship and this man is a complete cunt.

It literally could not be any more obvious.

I can't believe you've put up with this shit for as long as four months, frankly. Dump him now, for god's sake.

Original poster
JustAGuessingGame · 23/10/2025 14:07

Thank you for all the replies so far, i am taking them on board. Before all of this i had good self esteem and boundaries so I really dont know why i have accepted this for so long. I guess it falls down to the way he has been explaining all the issues away as me being unreasonable or crazy, being too much or expecting things that arent normal. I havent really dated in this new app era and he's constantly telling me to expect everyone to be dating multiple people and to show no emotion or outward interest. How expecting flirting and compliments from someone your dating is needy and an ego stroke that men dont conform to. How women expect to much of men. I dont think any of this is true and ive never met a man like this before but he says it so much and so wholeheartedly that im made to feel lucky that it is my turn with him (yes he has also verbally stated this).

I honestly dont know what is wrong with me here. Ive had counselling in the past and was in a content place before all of this.

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 23/10/2025 14:13

He says how women expect too much from men?

This is him saying “I’m going to treat you like shit and you have to put up with it because that’s how all men behave.”

TreeDudette · 23/10/2025 14:16

YABU to keep seeing this bell-end. He is playing you to get a jealous reaction. He is enjoying your unhapiness. Dump, Block, Delete. You don't need this level of crap in your life. No need for emotionless showdowns and drama. "This is not working for me, good luck in finding the person for you." Block. Job done. Then you can enjoy your peace.

ETA: I was on the apps 3 years ago and am now happily living with DP who is lovely and was open, kind and respectful from the get-go. All this "all men are like this" shit is exactly that - shit. There are MANY better men out there that you aren't meeting because you are expending energy on this waste of space!

PastaAllaNorma · 23/10/2025 14:16

"Lower your standards and count yourself lucky, girl!"

No, Prince Charming, I don't think so.

Remember who you are, @JustAGuessingGame . Don't waste your one wild and precious life on this disrespectful arse.

(With acknowledgements to the poet Mary Oliver)

arcticpandas · 23/10/2025 14:18

Wow. I think it's time to slow down with the dating in general and put some effort in on getting your selfesteem up to a decent level. He's scum that's for sure and the moment he started to show it was when you should have kicked him to the curb. Instead you let him come over and you slept with him besides not wanting to. This is crazy. I am NOT blaming you for what you did- I am telling you that you deserve respect. Until youvknow that don't date because the scumbags will stand in line to dump their shit on you.

workshy46 · 23/10/2025 14:19

JustAGuessingGame · 23/10/2025 14:07

Thank you for all the replies so far, i am taking them on board. Before all of this i had good self esteem and boundaries so I really dont know why i have accepted this for so long. I guess it falls down to the way he has been explaining all the issues away as me being unreasonable or crazy, being too much or expecting things that arent normal. I havent really dated in this new app era and he's constantly telling me to expect everyone to be dating multiple people and to show no emotion or outward interest. How expecting flirting and compliments from someone your dating is needy and an ego stroke that men dont conform to. How women expect to much of men. I dont think any of this is true and ive never met a man like this before but he says it so much and so wholeheartedly that im made to feel lucky that it is my turn with him (yes he has also verbally stated this).

I honestly dont know what is wrong with me here. Ive had counselling in the past and was in a content place before all of this.

Honestly with kindness you are far too desperate to be dating currently- if you weren’t there is no way you would put up with this shit. People treat you as badly as you allow - honestly when I was dating no one ever treated me remotely like this as they knew I wouldn’t put up with it. No guys get away with the most appalling behaviour as there is a vast number of women lining up to put up with any manner of shit all in the name of having a man , any man and to be “picked” Raise the bar and your self esteem and self worth before you even think about dating again. No man is better than this crap.

sonjadog · 23/10/2025 14:20

What are you doing with this guy, OP? He is shouting loud and clear what a waste of time and space he is. The first hint of his unpleasant opinions should have been the moment you ended it. Get rid of him now, and spend some time thinking about what you want in a relationship in future.

Imanautumn · 23/10/2025 14:23

Please leave him, you deserve so much better and this will only lead to heart ache and him destroying you.