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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unexpectedly expecting no.4

48 replies

EponymousAnonymous · 22/10/2025 22:32

I could really use some help with processing this situation. Despite using protection I recently discovered I'm pregnant, which is a massive shock. We have 3 DC already, 8, 7 & 4 and considered ourselves done. Life is hectic because all 3 are autistic with differing levels of needs but currently DS7 is on a part time timetable at school and we're trying to get him a place in a better setting. I work PT 26 hours per week but am considering reducing my hours because of this.

This pregnancy has completely thrown me. I've this year finally lost the baby weight (2/3rds of the way to my target), feeling more capable as a parent etc. None of our DC reliably sleep through but DH and I have reached a point where we are managing. They do seem to be sleeping better as they get older. Financially things have been difficult in the past for lots of reasons but this year we finally feel like we have a good standard of living and we're considering doing the final stage of building work to our home in the next couple of years (its a big old project house which is 2/3rds complete). We're mid 30s so compared to our peers had our children quite young. When we had DS4 I did say to DH I'd like another but soon after that the other DCs started presenting with behaviour that we know now was down to their autism.

I told DH almost immediately. He's devastated and clearly wants me to have a medical abortion. He said doing the baby years again with sleepless nights and cosleeping etc would "break him". He said we need to focus on the children we already have. My immediate thoughts after getting the BFP were to consider a medical abortion but after learning what it entails I honestly don't know if I could go through with it. I had a consultation with BPAS today and became very emotional when she was describing the process and risks etc.

There are so many reasons against but the two biggest reasons to continue with this pregnancy are:
1 - DS 4 was a happy accident who came along in a very chaotic time when we were in a perilous financial situation but obviously we wouldn't be without him and he's our little ray of sunshine
2 - I can't get over the feeling of attachment already. I don't know if emotionally I could handle taking positive steps to end this pregnancy, the thought of it makes me feel physically sick. But if that's what's in the best interests of my children I will do it for them.

I just don't know what to do. The midwife from BPAS said the sooner I do the treatment the easier it will be in terms of pain etc. But I'm so torn. And feel so incredibly depressed to be in this position at all really, when DH promised he'd have a vasectomy after DS4. He's now booked in for a private one but honestly I'm devastated that its my peace of mind, health and and body that will suffer because of this situation that seemingly doesn't cause him any turmoil at all.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/10/2025 22:34

If your marriage falls apart how do you feel about being a single parent to the current 3, what about if it was 4?

tequilam0ckingbird · 22/10/2025 22:38

I don't think this is a suitable topic for AIBU. I think only you can decide.

I'm a parent of 3 and there's no way on earth I'd have another 😆. I have my life back. Babies are really difficult, then they grow into annoying toddlers 🙈. And there's the sleepless nights and the rows with my short-sighted/grumpy husband (don't get me started).

I love my children but I much prefer them as school-age humans.

BUT that's me speaking. Not my husband, not my bestie and not random posters on mumsnet.

What do you want OP? You will live with the decision either way.

Original poster
EponymousAnonymous · 22/10/2025 22:40

RandomMess · 22/10/2025 22:34

If your marriage falls apart how do you feel about being a single parent to the current 3, what about if it was 4?

Good question. I don't think I'd be a single parent, DH would definitely want 50/50 and I'm very close to my MIL who is our only childcare. I can't see this as an outcome but I appreciate it might be naive.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 22/10/2025 22:42

Can you manage on one income ? It’s unlikely you’d be able to return to work for a very long time if st all
can you cope with 4 autistic children, ? What is this one has the most severe issues out of your children?

it’s always easy to say what we’d do, while none of us really ever know , but certainly I’d be questioning whether it’s right to add another into the mix here- you both already have enough on your plate and imo your existing children take priority

have you had counselling with BPAS or some other to discuss your thoughts?

Icanflyhigh · 22/10/2025 22:45

Only you can decide.

ExH forced me to have a medical abortion 23 years ago and I've never forgiven myself for it.
Ultimately, that's what broke our marriage, as despite 3 healthy children, I mourn the 4th and have done for 23 years.

havingoneofthosedays · 22/10/2025 22:46

How do you manage to keep accidentally falling pregnant

sesquipedalian · 22/10/2025 22:47

OP, this absolutely has to be your decision. You need to talk to your DH and let him know how you feel - if he is an involved father, as you say, then I don’t think he would pressure you into a termination, especially when you are so unsure about it. Do you have a good friend you could talk it through with? Having another DC is easier if you have supportive family. You’re not being unreasonable to want another DC, and your DH is not being unreasonable in wanting you not to. You will obviously have to talk it all through with him - but ultimately, only you can decide what decision you could live with.

Holluschickie · 22/10/2025 22:49

You seem to have a very full plate already.
What if ths 4th child is autistic too?
Your DH should have had a vasectomy but I agree with him that you need to focus on your existing children.

RandomMess · 22/10/2025 22:50

Your DH could die or become ill rather than you just separating.

What would your marriage be like which ever option you choose.

Will you resent him if you go ahead and will that end it.

Have you told him that you are angry he never sorted out his vasectomy and you very angry that you are left dealing with the consequences and it is a huge deal to you either way?

Waterbaby41 · 22/10/2025 22:55

The risk of you having another autistic child are very high. You have 3 already, do you have the emotional bandwidth to parent another autistic child with no detrimental effect on the children you have? Medical abortion essentially induces a miscarriage - not pleasant but not dreadful. I think you need to very carefully consider the impact on your children.

Tink3rbell30 · 22/10/2025 22:56

DP is right on this one.

Holluschickie · 22/10/2025 22:57

Your MIL may balk at the prospect of looking after 4 autistic children.

SapphOhNo · 22/10/2025 23:00

Your DH is right. It would likely break everything.

TinyTeachr · 22/10/2025 23:00

I'm sorry you're in this position.

While im sure the person you spoke to was correct about earlier being better in terms of pain for a medical abortion, I would personally take some time to really think the decision through. A little extra physical pain in the short term to maybe have less long term anguish over a decision you felt rushed into by circumstances.

Whatever happens, im sure you will continue to do your best for your 3 children, and it sounds like your DH will too. A sibling does sound it would cause an increase in pressure and workload, which you may judge is unmanageable and would be detrimental to your 3 children. They are understandably very important to you. I have 4 DC and do find it quite a bit harder than when I had 3, even though my youngest is actually very easy, certainly much easier than her siblings. But I don't think you should ever feel trapped into a decision.

Dilysthemilk · 22/10/2025 23:04

It might be worth thinking about your genetic risk - it would be likely that you will have a 4th child with additional needs. Could you manage? If you had a child with very high support needs - could you manage then? It has to be your decision based on what you think you can do x

TomatoSandwiches · 22/10/2025 23:08

It's ultimately up to you but your role as a mother means also doing the best by the children you already have, is a 4th child the best for them?

Either way you need to look at different forms of contraception because either it's unreliable or you aren't using it correctly, this is your second unplanned pregnancy....

WinniePrules · 22/10/2025 23:09

I was unexpectedly expecting a fourth child 12 years ago, had him at 41. Life was hard, but after we lost our eldest DS to epilepsy at nearly 23, I clung to my youngest, who was 6 then, 11 now.
Looking back, I realise how hard our life was, and how happy and fulfilled. Difficulties pass and children remain.
Our eldest had epilepsy, very serious and draining with lots of seizures, hospitals and sleepless nights. Other DC have asthma and OCD, and the youngest is the only one without any conditions. I just knew from the time I saw a positive test, that everything would be good and safe despite being a high risk older mother.
There was a time when I thought that if I died of grief or weak health, the older boys would take care of the youngest. Now I think that he will take care of all of us.

Treesnbirds · 22/10/2025 23:14

I was in a similar position 3 years ago, finding myself completely unexpectedly pregnant with no.4. My husband said very similar things to yours….but I was concerned I would never get over an abortion (complex back story here) so we had the baby. ❤️

In the time since, although I never thought it would happen to me, we have been on the brink of splitting up a number of times. We both adore all the children of course, but there’s no denying adding another child, whether it’s your 2nd or 4th is a massive undertaking. I talked myself round that it wasn’t such a big deal as we already had 3, but it really is. Unsurprisingly we would never change the choice which we made, but these early years have been gruelling for sure.

I think in your position I would think further ahead, will your older children be able to live independently in future or not? (Our eldest is a teen now and that does bring its own different issues). I’d say that’s good to think about. Also we don’t have any regular family support so that might be better for you 🤞. I hope you find a clear path, as it’s such a difficult position to be in. ❤️

JLou08 · 22/10/2025 23:23

Sorry you're going through this, I have an autistic child and am terrified of getting pregnant again because I'm sure I'd be feeling similar to what you do. I don't think I could go through with an abortion but I also think it would be very difficult to cope with another. Only you can decide what to do. I think if it was me I would be leaning towards continuing the pregnancy.

Bobiverse · 22/10/2025 23:33

Your husband has told you that having another unplanned child will break him. And he is absolutely right that you need to focus on the family you already have.

You, as a couple, don’t have what is needed to give to another child. No one can force you and if you don’t want an abortion then that’s that, but it may very well ruin your marriage, and put a lot of pressure on the children you already have because they will lose out as you’ll have less resources to give to them (time for them, emotional bandwidth and finances available).

Bobbie12345678 · 23/10/2025 06:39

I think you are unfair to blame your husband for the pregnancy. It is on both of you. Your DS4 was an accident so you very much know that accidents happen. You presumably knew your husband did not get a vasectomy. You both chose to have sex.

dijonketchup · 23/10/2025 07:08

Bobbie12345678 · 23/10/2025 06:39

I think you are unfair to blame your husband for the pregnancy. It is on both of you. Your DS4 was an accident so you very much know that accidents happen. You presumably knew your husband did not get a vasectomy. You both chose to have sex.

I don’t think OP is doing this at all, she just expressed how unfair it is that terminating a pregnancy (or keeping the baby, to be honest) disproportionately affects her. Considering it was an avoidable situation. And yet her husband is saying it would ‘break him’ going ahead. OP has been pulling herself back together after three births, is facing another one OR an abortion. She’s right, it’s not fair, if terminating is what would ‘break’ OP they’re at a stalemate, no one wins.

I am sorry you are in this pickle OP. Remember there is no ‘right’ answer. The right call is the one you make. It eliminates all other futures as if they never existed. You can make a beautiful life either way, it will just look a bit different. We pick the problems we think we can deal with. I think what would sway me is the idea your husband could just walk away if it “breaks” him - just look at Mumsnet, they do - whereas you never can. You will find the answer.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 23/10/2025 07:30

I agree with your husband, wholeheartedly.

Bobiverse · 23/10/2025 07:37

dijonketchup · 23/10/2025 07:08

I don’t think OP is doing this at all, she just expressed how unfair it is that terminating a pregnancy (or keeping the baby, to be honest) disproportionately affects her. Considering it was an avoidable situation. And yet her husband is saying it would ‘break him’ going ahead. OP has been pulling herself back together after three births, is facing another one OR an abortion. She’s right, it’s not fair, if terminating is what would ‘break’ OP they’re at a stalemate, no one wins.

I am sorry you are in this pickle OP. Remember there is no ‘right’ answer. The right call is the one you make. It eliminates all other futures as if they never existed. You can make a beautiful life either way, it will just look a bit different. We pick the problems we think we can deal with. I think what would sway me is the idea your husband could just walk away if it “breaks” him - just look at Mumsnet, they do - whereas you never can. You will find the answer.

Show quote history

There are three other children with high needs involved here, and two parents who are already struggling with the load and the financial stress of raising this family. One who has been quite clear that they cannot cope with another child.

For a lot of people, there very much is a right answer and a wrong one.

linaharven · 23/10/2025 07:41

Thanks for sharing this information.