Unexpectedly expecting no.4

[EponymousAnonymous]

I could really use some help with processing this situation. Despite using protection I recently discovered I'm pregnant, which is a massive shock. We have 3 DC already, 8, 7 & 4 and considered ourselves done. Life is hectic because all 3 are autistic with differing levels of needs but currently DS7 is on a part time timetable at school and we're trying to get him a place in a better setting. I work PT 26 hours per week but am considering reducing my hours because of this.

This pregnancy has completely thrown me. I've this year finally lost the baby weight (2/3rds of the way to my target), feeling more capable as a parent etc. None of our DC reliably sleep through but DH and I have reached a point where we are managing. They do seem to be sleeping better as they get older. Financially things have been difficult in the past for lots of reasons but this year we finally feel like we have a good standard of living and we're considering doing the final stage of building work to our home in the next couple of years (its a big old project house which is 2/3rds complete). We're mid 30s so compared to our peers had our children quite young. When we had DS4 I did say to DH I'd like another but soon after that the other DCs started presenting with behaviour that we know now was down to their autism.

I told DH almost immediately. He's devastated and clearly wants me to have a medical abortion. He said doing the baby years again with sleepless nights and cosleeping etc would "break him". He said we need to focus on the children we already have. My immediate thoughts after getting the BFP were to consider a medical abortion but after learning what it entails I honestly don't know if I could go through with it. I had a consultation with BPAS today and became very emotional when she was describing the process and risks etc.

There are so many reasons against but the two biggest reasons to continue with this pregnancy are:
1 - DS 4 was a happy accident who came along in a very chaotic time when we were in a perilous financial situation but obviously we wouldn't be without him and he's our little ray of sunshine
2 - I can't get over the feeling of attachment already. I don't know if emotionally I could handle taking positive steps to end this pregnancy, the thought of it makes me feel physically sick. But if that's what's in the best interests of my children I will do it for them.

I just don't know what to do. The midwife from BPAS said the sooner I do the treatment the easier it will be in terms of pain etc. But I'm so torn. And feel so incredibly depressed to be in this position at all really, when DH promised he'd have a vasectomy after DS4. He's now booked in for a private one but honestly I'm devastated that its my peace of mind, health and and body that will suffer because of this situation that seemingly doesn't cause him any turmoil at all.

I’m with your husband. And I know the feeling of ‘that would break me’ as I have autistic children. After 2 I absolutely knew I could not cope with another.

I have four neurodivergent kids, all ADHD and one also autistic (although I think at least one of my DD is also autistic) and it was tough with my marriage ending when the youngest was 6 (thankfully as he was v abusive). Leaving me a single mum of 4 and we had to relocate (with support from women's Aid) into a safe house so I had to cut ties with my whole family (they would tell him if I hadn't).

I did it. They're all successful adults, 3 have degrees (one has two), they all work and have families (except the youngest).

I went to uni when my autistic son went to his uni and now am a specialist in my field.

It's not a race or tick list. It's life.

What is important to you? Which will you regret more? You know you best. Tbh either choice could end your relationship with the finality of your DH language and he's not being very supportive of a highly challenging decision. Is this so that he can absolve himself from any repercussions? "I told you so", "you chose to end it"?

Thank you for so eloquently expressing how I feel - this is exactly what I meant. I almost feel as though I'll be broken whichever way we decide to go forward and there are consequences for my body and emotions either way. Its disproportionately unfair.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here OP.
I have four children, one is autistic and another waiting adhd diagnosis
And I agree with your husband, I wouldn't have a 4th
And if I were to become pregnant again, I would have a termination. I speak as someone who has already had one.
Be kind to yourself.
Its one of the worst decisions you will have to make. I remember before swallowing the pills crying and begging my partner to make me stop - he never did. But realistically we can't have any more children

I would not go through with a pregnancy in this situation but only you can decide what is ultimately the best thing for you, on balance. It is a very hard place to be and your DH needs to support you too.

Me - I couldn’t manage 3 NT kids let alone ND, let alone 4! I’d be okay with teenagers, but not young kids…but that’s me.

I would think about how you’d manage if one of you dies, if you divorce, if the 4th has even more needs than the existing three.

How would it be fair on the children you have now? Could you raise all 4 alone? That should be your main points

Tel your husband you need to talk and you need him to listen. Tell him he needs to sit with you and support you while you work it through, and he mustn’t pressure you or persuade you but must listen and hold you.

Then tell him. Tell him how unfair it is, how you are afraid that having a termination will end your marriage just as much as he’s afraid that having another dc will end your marriage. That he’s helping to put you in an impossible situation. That you have all the burden of the pregnancy and termination and how unfair that feels. What the emotional cost of termination could be.

Hopefully when he actually hears what you are saying, and helps you process it all, you will be able to find a path that you can support each other with.

Part of the resentment, imo, is that we protect men from the consequences of the action they feel is best and have to carry it alone, whereas they feel no inhibition about telling us the consequences on them.

If he can say that keeping the pregnancy will break him, then he needs to understand why you fear terminating could break you.

Until and unless he fully understands the implications for you, you’ll feel unsupported and resentful.

You would be insane not to terminate.
And your husband should be booking himself a vasectomy PDQ.

You had considered yourselves ‘done’ with having more children.

I would have an abortion if I accidentally became pregnant again. I’d absolutely prioritise my 3 existing children!

If you'll be broken either way, then choose the option which will least negatively impact the rest of the family and deal with your broken ness through therapy.

As PP said, please stop accidentally having babies.

You should absolutely put your husband through the wringer for not organising and carrying out a vasectomy, if he felt so strongly about not having any more children.

However, I am with him on this one. Just one set of the challenges you’ve described would break the strongest of marriages. A medical termination is hard but it’s not necessarily horrific, especially in the early stages in my experience and that of anyone I know who’s had one. Of course this is your experience and your body.

A previous poster made a good point; perhaps try and visualise your life in 10, 15 and 20 years. Will all of your kids live independently?

Thank you to everyone who's given me some thinking points to consider. My mum recently passed away so I'm missing the one person in the world I'd be able to have this conversation with.

I don't appreciate the condescending posts telling me to stop having children accidentally. This isnt something that's happened because of a failure to take precautions. My DH is already booked in for a vasectomy.

I think you know the answer. Many of us have had to make the same decision because we have to put the living children first

As above, many of us have had to make decisions that prioritise the children that we already have. I really don’t see this as being a positive for you, your husband or your children.
I’m sorry you’re in this position 💐

I think you really need to consider the impact on the quality of life of your 3 children. I wouldn't really be thinking about the impact on myself as I would have to put them 1st

Disabilities rise with age, as does twins, a consideration, emotionally tough, an aborti9n, seems best option tho

But you said that your 3rd child was also an accident?

I have a young adult with ASD and he is eternally grateful that he never had any siblings to contend with, you already have 3. Do what's best for your family and have an abortion OP. The other kids really don't need another baby thrown into the mix and nor does your husband. It's an unfortunate situation but i think it would be extremely selfish to have this baby.

Don't do anything you don't want to do. I had a surprise no.4 early this year with 3 autistic kids. Yes it's hard but you find ways.
Ps do you get all the benefits you are entitled to regarding the kids?

I agree with your husband

Also had a #4 surprise with three autistic kids and an autistic DH. She is a real joy to have and best friends with #3. Autistic, of course.

Thank you. It can be a tricky juggle but its nice to hear positive stories to balance out the others.

Yes my DS4 was conceived despite hormonal contraception, this pregnancy is despite using condoms. Apparently there are some couples who are hyper fertile and sadly I wish I could change that as my DSis struggled with infertility.