Am I entitled or is this not ok?

[Abiggal]

DP left me when I was pregnant. Said he didn’t want to be a dad (despite telling me he wanted a family for the first two years of our relationship). The pregnancy was not intended.

I didn’t want an abortion and so he left me. He refused to even communicate and accused me of sleeping with someone else when I claimed cms, so put me and his son through a dna test. When ds was 14 months he was desperate to get in touch and apologised over and over.

I know this sounds insane but I let him back into our lives and even had a relationship with him again for two years. He lived 300 miles away and came over every weekend. He promised he wanted me to move to him and that he would sell his place to get somewhere bigger so we could expand our family. Anyway DS turned five last month and I turned 40 so I said it’s now or never and he’s basically refused to try for another and on top of that totally gone off the idea of us living together like we planned.

I feel sick and so sad. I’ve obviously ended it once and for all now but I feel so awful. I’ve made some stupid mistakes and wasted so much time. We are both professionals and on the surface it looks like we had such a nice life but clearly he is emotionally fucked up and I must be too to have put up with it.

I don’t know what I’m asking really but my mum has criticised me for ending things as she says ds needs a dad. Even though the family dynamic if you could even call it that wasn’t even there in the first place. Ex is saying he still wants to see ds and expects to stay in my home to do that. That puts me in a shit position as I don’t want ds to miss out. He is actually a good dad and ds loves him. I can’t believe this is my life and I’m so shaken up and sad. I am right to end this, right?

You are right to end it and you would be right not to facilitate your ex staying in your home to see DS. It is his responsibility to maintain contact with his son, not yours! Obviously you should agree to contact but he needs to sort his own accommodation, not expect to stay in your home. It’s not on you to ensure your DS doesn’t miss out on his dad, it’s for your ex to sort - don’t let him guilt you into thinking the relationship between father and son is your responsibility!!

What a time waster

You can end a realtionship for any reason you like. You want to live together and he doesn't. He has had plenty of time to make this happen/prepare for it.
he doesn't need to see the child in your house. He should make his own arrangements for that.

I'm sorry you've been criticised by your mum at a time you need support. Your ex can 'expect' all he likes but no don't house him! What happens when you might meet a new partner in time. If he wants to maintain contact with his son, he needs to take responsibility for that. It's ok to want more for yourself than a man who lives 300 miles away with no plans to change and on whom you can't rely or have trust.

I am shocked at how deeply it’s affected me. When I look back I feel like it’s someone else’s life. All I ever wanted was a loving home and this is what I settled for.

Well at least you recognise it's insane.

Mother's aren't always right....mine would say get as far away as you can from that absolute waster and go live the happy life you deserve.

So sorry OP. Wish i had advice, but just wanted to say I know you can pick yourself up and be independent of this unreliable wastrel. Your DS is only 5 - he won't re member when he is older much about his DF before now, so hope you will make a nice life for the two of you. No way can ex expect to stay in your home!💐

I’m 40. and I wasted the last few years of my thirties and the last of my fertility on a man who clearly didn’t give a shit about me and never did

@GreenCandleWax he loves being with DP though and talks about him loads. I feel like this is going to damage him so much

YABVU for wanting another child with this man.

I’m sorry you’re in this mess.

You’re right to end it. He’s been playing at fatherhood, without the commitment.

However, going forward, don’t let him stay at your house. He needs to sort himself out, and start taking responsibility. It’s not your job to make life easy for him.

I am so sorry OP. Its so sad. Am thinking positive for you and DS.

Sounds like he used up your childbearing years in some sort of fucked up control thing.

He doesn't get to call the shots and he certainly doesn't get to stop you moving on with your life.

Take control. He can still be a dad to his bairn. Set in stone and child support. Definitely not in your house.

You'll probably find he drifts off. It's shit that you'll have to pick up the pieces.

Exactly this. Sort himself out. Don't worry about future children, concern yourself with DS and be grateful u got DS imo. Maybe u will, maybe u won't. Ds is here.

He’s definitely been future faking you as well, ie, telling you want you want to believe.

As gamerchick said, he doesn’t get to call the shots. Start taking control of your life and making the decesions.

I’m so worried about the future and weirdly I feel very alone. Ex was never really there for me, not properly, even when I had surgery scheduled tried to get me to move the date as it didn’t fit in around his work to look after ds while I was in theatre. All these things made me really sad but I just carried on trying to make it work and I don’t know why, when I look back

You’re still pretty young so plenty of life left to live the way you want to. We make mistakes and stay where we shouldn’t sometimes. But at least you have taken control of the situation. Oh and him saying he expects you to stay at your house to see his son tells us everything we need to know about the type of bloke he is. Sounds so much like the type of twaddle my ex would spout. If you think he’s going to be an intermittent arsehole I’d consult a solicitor about your rights and access arrangements. I’d do that anyway as it will serve all of you. (And you can bet he will too).

I’m really sorry. I dated a man a bit like this. He had another woman at his work location. When I found out, she was about to give birth.

Fuck him.

Well done for making the right decision even though it’s so hard. With luck you are not even halfway through your life yet. You have so many years of happiness ahead of you. When you look back on your life I am sure you will be glad you pulled the plaster off now and not any later. And thank goodness you have your son.

Could you afford to see a therapist to help you process all this?

You’ve got an emotionally depriving mum and same dynamic with partner maybe? Be kind to yourself first off. You’ll survive this and grow from it. Get some therapy if you can x

you are possibly in shock of sorts op, it’s normal if so. Feeling detached is normal too, but you will process this and you’ll get through it. You tried your best. Ignore your mum, views like that are why women stay in abusive or unhappy relationships. You need a clean break from ex so no he absolutely can’t see your son at your place. Don’t even let him cross the threshold. Everrtthing happens for a reason . You will meet someone better for you. X

I don’t know what I’m asking really but my mum has criticised me for ending things as she says ds needs a dad.

I’m sorry but your mum is a total cow.

You and your son will be better off without his dad in your lives.

Here for support, you will get through it. Try and get some real life support (not from your mother) so you can move through this and not pass the rejection and humiliation on to your son.

Don’t stop him from seeing him. He can come visit , take him out for day, stay at a hotel or airbb.