Am I entitled or is this not ok?

[Abiggal]

DP left me when I was pregnant. Said he didn’t want to be a dad (despite telling me he wanted a family for the first two years of our relationship). The pregnancy was not intended.

I didn’t want an abortion and so he left me. He refused to even communicate and accused me of sleeping with someone else when I claimed cms, so put me and his son through a dna test. When ds was 14 months he was desperate to get in touch and apologised over and over.

I know this sounds insane but I let him back into our lives and even had a relationship with him again for two years. He lived 300 miles away and came over every weekend. He promised he wanted me to move to him and that he would sell his place to get somewhere bigger so we could expand our family. Anyway DS turned five last month and I turned 40 so I said it’s now or never and he’s basically refused to try for another and on top of that totally gone off the idea of us living together like we planned.

I feel sick and so sad. I’ve obviously ended it once and for all now but I feel so awful. I’ve made some stupid mistakes and wasted so much time. We are both professionals and on the surface it looks like we had such a nice life but clearly he is emotionally fucked up and I must be too to have put up with it.

I don’t know what I’m asking really but my mum has criticised me for ending things as she says ds needs a dad. Even though the family dynamic if you could even call it that wasn’t even there in the first place. Ex is saying he still wants to see ds and expects to stay in my home to do that. That puts me in a shit position as I don’t want ds to miss out. He is actually a good dad and ds loves him. I can’t believe this is my life and I’m so shaken up and sad. I am right to end this, right?

You've done nothing wrong.
You put your all into your relationship.
You wamted to move to the next step.
You forgave him which is a hard thing to do.
You communicated your needs.
You now, finally, have an answer and know that isn't what you want.
You are teaching your son to not settle.
You will teach your son that being single and happy is far more important than settling in a relationship with someone who isn't really your partner and doesn't show you the love you need.
Your son is 5, same age my son was when we broke up. Almost 2 years on and he struggles with us not living together... but your son already is used to that. He's used to not seeing dad everyday.
End this relationship. Focus on what you and your son need, not your soon to be ex.
Do NOT let your ex stay in your house.
Do initiate a plan where dad can have son every other weekend. Maybe more during the school.holidays if that works.
Organise a plan for Christmas now, if he won't agree then share your plan for this Christmas and explain that discussions can continue about Xmas 2027.
Do not give in to his demands unless they are actually the best thing for your son. Go with your gut.
Also, go through your messages now and screenshot any that evidence the current parenting situation. The precedent has been set, child is in school, dad lives 300 miles away- every other weekend and more of the holidays is all that is possible.
Stay strong. You can do this!

As a grown up man and a "professional" he can:

a) make his own arrangements to day trip (yes, long day for him but it is to spend time with DS)

b) find accommodation e.g. local guest house and stay over? (edited to add "on a regular basis) e.g. Guest House but his choice so don't sweat it

You are not responsible for solving his problems. He is.

Good luck x

End it.

Tell your mum she is welcome to him if she thinks so much of him.
She is letting you down with her facile and shortsighted comment.
He doesn’t need to be in your life anymore than as your child’s father and certainly not in your home.

It's fine to come to your senses.

But don't be too hard on yourself for what went before.

You have a lovely son and you've facilitated a relationship with his father which will be important to him.

There's no guarantee you'd have met someone else or had another child.

You are in the what if stage which is completely understandable but late 30s, with a toddler in tow doesn't make for easy relationship building. There's too much at stake in terms of introducing them, moving in etc before even considering the dynamics of a half sibling/step child etc. These risks didn't exist in the same way with his dad so I can see how you feel into this more easily.

Yes some people make it work but these boards are also filled with hundreds of examples of the opposite and people putting their own wants before the child they actually have.

What I'm trying to say is be kind to yourself, focus on what you do have and try not to look at the imaginary alternatives through rose coloured glasses. You have done your best to do the right thing for your son so far and I'm sure you will find a way through this that continues to do so.

I wouldn’t say it’s entitled like you said in your title. If you don’t want to be with him, don’t.

Yes. End it. He's a liar and a child.

You do not have to let him stay at your house. He needs to facilitate his own contact. Ask him to set out what contact schedule he wants. Go from there. Ignore anything that isn't what contact schedule he wants.

Example:

what contact you want?

i need to stay in your house for it. im mad at you. you suck bla bla bla but i want every Friday for 6 hours plus you're fat

every Friday for 6 hours, that works thanks see you then

Ignore your mum. Don't even speak to her about it.

I agree with the previous poster who said be kind to yourself. I too got back together with the man who dumped me when pregnant. I had reasons but it seems mad now. Look after yourself and your son, facilitate contact with his father but I wouldn’t have him staying at yours. Good luck.