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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how we can make school work for ASD 7 year old?

127 replies

Corilee2806 · 22/10/2025 21:37

I’m at the end of my tether and really need some advice from anyone who’s been through similar.

My almost 7 year old is autistic and also very bright (she was diagnosed privately earlier this year). We moved her to a new school at the start of this term because her previous school failed to support her, she was having daily meltdowns, tummy aches, and even said earlier in the year that she wanted to die.

We hoped this new school would help her start fresh, but half a term in, nothing meaningful has been put in place.
We were told there would be an Individual Support Plan, but it still hasn’t materialised. The SENCO is nice but things are slow-moving, and everything feels inconsistent, some staff are great, others don’t seem to understand her needs at all. There’s been no formal plan, no structured emotional regulation support, and communication has been very minimal since the first week. I don’t know if I’m expecting too much. It is a small school. How long should I be giving for the different stages of ADPR (which has never been formally done in the last year of challenges - because she is academically ahead)

After a positive start, mornings are again extremely difficult - panic, tears, saying she doesn’t want to go in. Some days she hasn’t managed to go. She can be ok once she’s in the classroom (typical masking), which makes it even harder to get anyone to take it seriously. At home she’s increasingly anxious, exhausted, and losing joy in the things she used to love.

We’re at the point where I’m wondering if keeping her home for a while might be kinder. I’m worried about her mental health deteriorating again, but I’m also aware schools and attendance officers can be difficult if you withdraw temporarily.
i don’t know what to do for the best.

Feeling very alone and like no one gets it, but I just cannot see her go through what she went through earlier this year again, and I can’t see how school can work for her in the current system.

OP posts:
Original poster
Corilee2806 · 22/10/2025 22:36

(And sorry - thread title was originally missing a word but hopefully now makes sense)

OP posts:
BusMumsHoliday · 22/10/2025 22:44

Have you applied for an EHCP? That would be the first step.

pIum · 22/10/2025 22:52

Have you told school what you were hoping would be put in place, if you know what it is you think would help? Have you asked if they have written an IEP?

Original poster
Corilee2806 · 22/10/2025 22:55

Yes - I wanted to get going but as the school don’t have much evidence yet they want to hold off applying until they have a full terms worth. They say it will be better if they can apply rather than us.

OP posts:
Namenamchange · 22/10/2025 22:57

Have you told the school how they can help you dd?

Original poster
Corilee2806 · 22/10/2025 22:58

We’ve not had a chance for a proper conversation but I’ve sent thoughts by email, other than that it’s been a few brief phone calls. The plan is meant to be ready but it’s half term now and no sign of it yet. I was hoping there would be something more concrete by now as the anxiety has ramped up in the last few weeks. I know they wanted to watch and wait at the start of term as she was settling in but things have moved on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Corilee2806 · 22/10/2025 22:59

Have sent the full diagnostic report with recommendations plus some ideas of what should go in the IEP. And some ideas of what support she needs for the 2e aspect which doesn’t seem to be understood- ie she has struggles mainly around SEMH but then on the other hand is gifted and finding the work too easy and is bored.

OP posts:
welshmum3 · 22/10/2025 23:04

You need to get cracking and apply for that EHCP yourself regardless of what school says. They will delay every step of the way.
The criteria for EHCP assessment is pretty low, just that the child has or MAY have additional needs.
Regardless of how much evidence you have - and you have lots including being unable to attend, anxiety, tummy aches and wanting to end her life- LAs will inevitably make you go to appeal. Which you will win. And they will assess, and then decline the EHCP and make you appeal again.
It depends how much of a fight you want. Don't leave it too long to make a decision as your child will become more damaged and traumatized.
Also, if they're off for more than 15 days ( not necessarily consecutive)the LA should be providing alternative provision under section 19.

DisappearingGirl · 22/10/2025 23:07

This suggestion may be way off the mark but just in case it's helpful.

I've known quite a few kids who were upset going into school at one age or another. Including one of mine at points.

I do feel that it can be kinder to be a bit tough about it - you need to go so we're going, kind of thing. I think if the child feels there's a chance of not going, it can actually make them more unsettled (not saying they're faking it, I do think the feelings are genuine at the time). Whereas if they know they're going, they're possibly more likely to go along with it, then with time they get more used to it / less upset (kind of a fake it till you make it situation).

I think if you take her out, it might be hard to get her to go back.

I don't know your specific child though of course. Good luck

Ohthatsabitshit · 22/10/2025 23:13

Tell the school you’ve become so concerned you’ve applied for assessment for ehcp yourself (and do so). If they do music lessons at school think about doing that as it’s half an hour of less stress one to one and takes her out of the class for a bit. Invent activities for each day that make the week flow for her. Monday we watch telly in my bed after school and eat jelly. Tuesday we feed the ducks after school, Wednesday bubble bath night. Etc etc. life is much easier if you are looking forwards.

Original poster
Corilee2806 · 22/10/2025 23:16

One thing I should also say is that part of her profile seems to be that she struggles to identify her feelings and emotions so it’s hard for her to name what it is that she is finding hard about the environment- she tends to just answer ‘mama’ and ‘want to stay with you’ we can only assume it’s the cost of masking all day that’s pushing her nervous system into overwhelm.

and I do understand the point about not giving her a choice about school, we’ve had this debate in our household and on many a morning when deciding what to do for the best! I would have been of a similar view if it wasn’t for the autistic burnout and how bad her health was both physically and mentally. But yes it is hard once they know they can go home and she uses the fact I’m not currently working a lot. I try to tell her all about my busy days!

I think we will have to just go for the EHCP now and not worry about what the school will think. I get the impression resource is scarce and we probably just need to crack on because someone needs to prioritise her needs. I know it is likely to be refused at every stage but think I’m prepared for a fight. also the previous school logged nothing so it’s a whole year we have to account for ourselves.

OP posts:
BusMumsHoliday · 22/10/2025 23:17

Corilee2806 · 22/10/2025 22:55

Yes - I wanted to get going but as the school don’t have much evidence yet they want to hold off applying until they have a full terms worth. They say it will be better if they can apply rather than us.

You have a diagnostic report and you can describe what have observed so far, which includes a pattern of school avoidance. That's enough to apply for an EHCNA and probably enough to meet the two part test for assessment - though the LA may make you appeal. Look at IPSEA's pages for advice.

My DS is academically ahead but has an EHCP. School spend time on his emotional understanding and helping him navigate eg friendship.

b0zza1 · 22/10/2025 23:22

Not Fine In School is worth looking at. Especially their closed Facebook group, which you can request to join from the link below, hopefully!

https://www.facebook.com/NotFineInSchoolPublicPage/?locale=en_GB

Dinosweetpea · 22/10/2025 23:23

Definitely apply for an EHCP yourself, this is what we did. Please, please dont try tough love/forcing her in as they say she's "fine". This does not work for ASD children (especially girls who mask exceptionally) it causes untold trauma and is the thing we most regret.

b0zza1 · 22/10/2025 23:34

The short answer is that you need to find the right school. Ideally try to connect with other ASD parents in your area. I'm on a WhatsApp group for parents of ASD children in my area (SE London) and there are 269 of us. So plenty of first hand experience of schools!

VioletMountainHare · 22/10/2025 23:45

A soft start in the morning can sometimes help DC settle if there is an activity she enjoys and would look forward to going in to do. She could do this with a classmate/small group probably supported by an adult at this age. Children in my class have sometimes found it easier to come into school 15 minutes before school starts so they can settle before everyone else arrives and others have found it easier to come in 15 minutes later so the classroom is settled once they arrive.

Sorry, can’t advise on the support plan timescale as not very familiar with the English system. Have you had a meeting with the class teacher and SENCO? I’d be pushing for that asap.

User79853257976 · 23/10/2025 01:10

If you can keep her at home for a while I would.

jeaux90 · 23/10/2025 06:22

Problem is class sizes and school size are often the issue = high noise levels. It’s why I pulled mine out and went private (small school with great SEN provision and 12 in a class) I was lucky as I could afford it but it was hard as a lone parent. Local state provision for SEN in secondary was a shitshow.

Needlenardlenoo · 23/10/2025 07:33

Corilee2806 · 22/10/2025 23:16

One thing I should also say is that part of her profile seems to be that she struggles to identify her feelings and emotions so it’s hard for her to name what it is that she is finding hard about the environment- she tends to just answer ‘mama’ and ‘want to stay with you’ we can only assume it’s the cost of masking all day that’s pushing her nervous system into overwhelm.

and I do understand the point about not giving her a choice about school, we’ve had this debate in our household and on many a morning when deciding what to do for the best! I would have been of a similar view if it wasn’t for the autistic burnout and how bad her health was both physically and mentally. But yes it is hard once they know they can go home and she uses the fact I’m not currently working a lot. I try to tell her all about my busy days!

I think we will have to just go for the EHCP now and not worry about what the school will think. I get the impression resource is scarce and we probably just need to crack on because someone needs to prioritise her needs. I know it is likely to be refused at every stage but think I’m prepared for a fight. also the previous school logged nothing so it’s a whole year we have to account for ourselves.

Hi OP, speaking as a secondary school teacher and mum of an AuDHD girl with an EHCP - yes get on and apply yourself. You are the best advocate for your daughter; you know her best.

Needlenardlenoo · 23/10/2025 07:35

I/we found age 7 the hardest time. Well maybe age 6-8. There's more demands on them in Juniors.

Needlenardlenoo · 23/10/2025 08:22

I thought @Ohthatsabitshit's tips were really good.

Fearfulsaints · 23/10/2025 08:39

I dont have any tips for staying in school op. You do have my sympathy. My LA, Surrey, have this document called Ordinarily Available Provision, which is basically them trying to reduce ehcps by saying schools should do this anyway. However, it does have a couple of practical examples In it.

But I was actually replying to see if you had access to, or funds for an OT who knew alot about sensory regulation? Its just they can really help children learn to identify thier emotions, label them, communicate and even come up with strategies to help. Its not quick, but it helped my son so much. You will find schools trying 'zones of regulation' but this is like looking at a deep therapy and picking a tiny bit out so its not affective.

We had so many issues like my son being encouraged into a tent as a safe space if he said he was overwhelmed but the ot assessed him and realised this was the least helpful thing to do for him. Schools are very often left picking from an ot toolkit (printed list of options,) without the training and understanding behind it so they think my last pupil liked a tent so thats a good technique.

I only mention this as you said she struggled labeling emotions.

Needlenardlenoo · 23/10/2025 08:51

All LAs should have "ordinarily available provision" but it's bugger all use if the school don't actually do it/offer it! The whole point is, it's a lie - if this stuff was "ordinarily available" we wouldn't have so many children and parents in this position.

I found the IPSEA website very useful.

Start here:

The ‘best endeavours’ duty https://share.google/LBOzoyZu8Fua1NvTi

The ‘best endeavours’ duty

A key duty for certain settings is the duty to use their ‘best endeavours’ to secure special educational provision for all children or young people for whom they are responsible

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/the-best-endeavours-duty

Needlenardlenoo · 23/10/2025 08:56

Ordinarily Available Provision for SEND: Friend or Foe? Part 1 from Philippa Stobbs OBE - Special Needs Jungle https://share.google/vzvDPi847eI7u6Rn0

I prefer IPSEA's clean formatting, but Special Needs Jungle is often really helpful too.

The good news yesterday (from your point of view) is the government has delayed the White Paper so the EHCP system won't be changing just yet.