AIBU to think this nursery teacher has unrealistic expectations of my three year old?

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Re-posting as an AIBU as no responses on other thread.

DS started a new nursery this September. He turns 4 next February and starts reception next September. He was in a different nursery before where he had one ‘best friend’ (not always a good relationship) but got on with everyone and never any reports of concerns. The only thing that was ever raised with us was that he had one particular activity that he loved to do, and he never wanted to share that with anyone else. He tended to go in each morning, do the activity he loved on his own until the first ‘organised activity’ and then join in with everyone else for the rest of the day. He particularly enjoyed playing with children in the year above him, but no one seemed concerned about that.

We see the teaching assistants at pick up each day in the new nursery, who are all overwhelmingly positive about how DS has settled. We hadn’t seen much of his main teacher until parents’ evening and I was really sad to be hit with what felt like a wall of negativity. Her comments re friendships included:

• he loves talking to adults
• he isn’t always good at sharing, and can get upset if another child takes what he is playing with to ‘share’ it
• he plays happily with friends if he has chosen the game, but if they change the game to something he doesn’t like then he walks off
• he is sometimes very confident in the group but other times shy *he is sometimes happy to do what he is told but other times is stubborn/refuses *he has introduced some lovely imaginative games to his friends, but can get frustrated if they don’t do it ‘the right way’

The main thing that has really unsettled me is that she wants to add him to a small group needing extra support to work on friendships, turn taking etc. Obviously I want DS to learn these skills and to be happy with his friendships. He is going to need to learn to get on in a group, not be stubborn etc. But I can’t help feeling as though she hasn’t described anything particularly unusual for a three year old? Particularly when getting used to a new setting with new children, and at least not to the extent of him needing to be removed for extra support at this stage?

It’s hard to hear for the first time that your little one might be struggling, particularly to do with friendships. So I’d love a sense check on whether I’m being too defensive, and it does sound as though he has a higher need for extra support than the average three year old? Or does this teacher have unrealistic expectations?

The meeting was unreasonably short to discuss this, and we had no time to ask questions about this group or what the specific concerns are.

The teacher has a class of multiple 3-4 year olds to compare him too, and quite likely has several years more experience of 3-4 year olds.
Does it seem likely that she has decided to put some extra effort into your DS's social skills despite him not needing it? Why would she do that?

Isn't this the type of thing nursery school is for?
Learning how to act and behave in group settings.
For some children that might mean extra help.

It sounds like it'll be great for him. Supporting his understanding that other people have wants and needs, and sometimes compromise is necessary. Some 3 year olds take longer to get a handle on that than others.

Putting him in a small group when he’s not always enjoy big groups sounds helpful. It sounds like she’s gotten to know him and wants to support him. Nothing she said there sounds worrying or overly negative to me. But of course I can’t tell the tone she said it with

I think that’s fine from nursery. They will be expecting him to be able to do most of the above before he starts school, so if he’s struggling now then it make sense to accept help.

Most the children will be there from 2 years so have had 2 years practicing sharing and taking turns. It’s standard that a nursery will encourage this. Leaving them to play alone with no input at old nursery is unusual

Sorry but his behavior does sound unusual, most 3 year olds in a nursery setting realize that they need to share the toys and listen to their friends about how they want to play the game as well. It's good that they are offering to support him to develop the skills he needs.

I think that if they've identified these things in your son, you should be receptive.
After all, they have a great deal of experience with children of your DS's age. They've clearly seen things which are a cause for concern.

It sounds like a lovely idea and something which would hugely benefit him, especially as he is going to be at school next September.

The teacher will be used to 3 year olds. She is with them all day and has noticed things that your child struggles with that the majority of the class don’t so she is putting strategies in place promptly to help support him. This is good teaching.

Her concerns are red flags for autism. I’m not saying your child is autistic by any means but you should be aware.

whether I’m being too defensive Yes
it does sound as though he has a higher need for extra support than the average three year old? Yes, but not in a bad way. I'm guessing DS is an only child, and others might not be. It seems a good thing for him to improve his social skills within his own age group.
Or does this teacher have unrealistic expectations? No.

Teacher of over 30 years here.

Yes, you are being too defensive.
If an experienced professional has highlighted a concern and also given a suggestion as how to address the situation then you should be glad that your DS will be recieving the support they need.

Why on earth would you think that the teacher has unrealistic expectations of one particular child?

Teachers see behaviour in a different context, where children must interact with peers that parents simply do not see

Her expectations are based on what the other his children his age are able to do. Year on year when she teaches. Her expectations are reasonable. They are also laid out in Development Matters under Personal, Social and Emotional Development for 3/4 year olds.

No, I don’t think she’s doing it for the sake of it. She just didn’t give any time for questions such as how concerning is this? How usual is it to need some extra support in something? Does he seem like someone who just needs a little extra direction, or are you really concerned? Which is why I’m asking whether, in the context of 3-4 year olds, this seems fairly typical behaviour and bit of an overreaction, or highly unusual.

I’ve only spoken to one other set of parents who came out as we were going in, and the dad said ‘whew, I’ve got three pages of notes of things we need to work on!’ But quite cheerily. So it’s also possible that she’s trying to identify something constructive for all of them.

If there is no issue the extra support won’t do any harm and he will benefit from time in the smaller group. If there is then early intervention is great. Either way it will help him develop skills.

it’s win win surely

It feels like you are hearing these teacher's words as a claim that there is 'something wrong' with your child that needs putting right.

That's not the situation at all. The situation is that every child has their own range of needs and behaviours and it is the teacher's job to seek to understand them and tailor their nursery experience accordingly. Nothing that she says is a criticism or a judgement.

Also, each child's needs and behaviours are really fluid, and the teacher's observations are just a snapshot of what your son might benefit from at the moment.

Make the most of it! Value the fact that the teacher is adding her perceptions and interventions to yours -- together you will certainly have a more rounded picture of your son and his needs than you alone can achieve. This is part of what nursery is for.

This ⬆️

Sounds just like my autistic kids at that age. But it also could need just a little bit more time to develop those skills.

I'd be thanking that teacher profusely for noticing that your son needs a hand in some areas and actually doing something about it!

That never happened to us. The teachers always said to me that my kids were 'fine in school' when hindsight tells me that they were anything but fine 😡

You can still ask the nursery questions as your child still attends there, so why not just…. Ask?

From what you say she has told you, she hasn’t made a negative judgement about you or your child. She’s sharing factual, professional observations that have been made of your child, identified an area where your DS needs a little support. and has told you what she’s going to do about it. That is a nursery teacher doing a fantastic job.

Her expectations are not too high, she will have plenty of knowledge about what can be expected of pre school children and she’s doing her best by yours. Your child is still fantastic and if this is all they had to say, he is developing well.

How lovely they take such an interest in him and want to help him make friends. What a shame you've taken it like this.

My DS was similar to yours OP when he was 3. He went on to have difficulty making friends in KS1 and 2. Perhaps the teacher’s idea is a good one and will help your DS when he starts primary, if I were you I would get behind it and be positive about it to your DS. My DS is now 23 and has had no issues with making / keeping friends since he was 14 or so, he now has a good social life. But he did find primary school difficult, perhaps he would have benefited from your DS’s teacher and her small group! It is difficult to accept suggestions from teachers but often they have loads of experience and generally it’s great if they can provide extra support and help for your DC. Sometimes they can spot things parents don’t pick up on.

Agree with this.
My first thought was spectrum behavior also.

Thank you all for your thoughts. I’ll crack on with getting behind it and being positive.

That whole list are signs of autism. It could just be immaturity but it’s great that the teacher is so perceptive and is always working with him on it.

Remember the teacher is experienced and knows exactly how children settle in and what is normal for the age. You just have your son to compare to and if he is neurodivergence then what you are looking at is a normal comparison.

It sounds like your child’s teacher has got to know them well. She has told you things that she has observed, but you have taken those as some sort of ‘negative judgement’. Your child is having some extra focus on ‘friendships’. Another child may be having some extra support with self care or fine motor control. Sounds like this teacher is taking care to meet all of their individual needs.

Your child might be a totally normal 3 year old, but that behaviour’s not going to wash when he’s 6/12/16/26. So he needs to learn different ways to behave and she wants to support him with that.

Some 3 year olds (probably those with siblings) might have sharing cracked, and instead need help with speech and so she’ll be focussing on that with them.

If you frame it about helping him to the next stage of life, not bringing him up to where he “should” be now it might feel like a more positive step!