To be sad I'll never be in love again?

[Haemagoblin]

I'm 40 years old. I'm in a relationship with a man I hav two children with who is a good man with a good heart but to whom I am very poorly matched (blame being young and unformed when we got together almost 20 years ago). Through motherhood and age and increasingly second wave feminism I have become increasingly cynical about men; I don't think what we women call love and what they call love are related much to each other. I will stay with my partner and make it work with him as best I can until our children are embarked on their own lives, then I will see what happens. But "in love"? That fluttery wonderful feeling? That ship has sailed.

Through my teens and early twenties I was often "in love" with a range of no doubt unsuitable and/or unworthy boys and men. I was looking through my old poetry today (cringe) and my God I loved. Even over the last decade or so, even though I was very invested in my (troubled) relationship with my partner, I was occasionally besotted with this fellow or that I met - through work or social life or whatever. Nothing ever happened with any of them but I'd get the flutter, the tingle when I saw them, the pleasure and the joy of getting to know them and spending time with them. I'd dream about them. It was exciting and beautiful and sometimes a bit painful.

I just know deep down I will never feel like that again about a man. I've seen too much, I've learned too much, and I'm utterly disillusioned with men. And I'm gutted about it! It was such a beautiful feeling.

Having a baby gave me access to a whole new world of love; it was transporting, transformational, exciting. I have had all the babies I'm going to have. Bar waiting on grandchildren, I can only assume I have experienced all the "falling in love" I'll ever have now.

I know it's silly and a bit frivolous. But I'm so sad that I won't ever feel those overwhelming/fluttery feelings again. I have love. But I'll never be "in love" or be, you know, smote with new love ever again. I will miss it ☹️

It’s a shame you feel that way. I understand it. I’m 48 and have been single for about 6 years now, largely because it is harder to meet men who set my heart alight these days. Probably for a lot of the same reasons as you, and I’m guarded, but I do still hope to fall in love again.
I don’t believe in ‘all men’ any more than I believe in ‘all women’ or ‘all dogs’ - that seems a disservice. Though it does seem harder to fall giddy in love - I do still believe it’s possible.

I'm very impressed by people who are past the "youthful" stage who can still feel it. Some of my friends have been through hell with really shitty boyfriends (far worse than anything I've ever gone through with my partner) and they still believe in love. I would love to still have that. But it's gone.

Very relatable and im 40 too. 2 kids. Too much has happened, you are right. Poorly matched as met when was 21 with different ideas, but it works as he is a good man, but if anything happened to him I would never bother again with men. It would just be too much.

personally as nice as the idea is, id rather be cold and clinical with reguards to relationships, my mental health was omg with my first 2 relationships and now i prefer more clinical methods to keep detatched but still able to love. if that makes sense

It sounds like you had a rather large capacity for feeling romantic feelings for others. What has changed? It sounds more like hormonal fluctuation than death of capacity to live.

Im not far off 40 and sadly feel the same way. Been together nearly 20 yrs, no plans to change that but I’m increasingly cynical of men these days. If I were to become single again I don’t think I could ever have a proper relationship again. Theres just too much risk involved for women.

most of my intense loving (not necessarily romantic) has been followed by crushing heartbreak. After feeling the most excruciating heart ache when my last relationship ended (rhe kind of pain that is simply always there, every minute, with no escape from it) I never want to be Inlove again. I spent so much of my 20s and 30s crying over some man or another. No more falling Inlove for me please, I’m finally free from it

I know where you are coming from OP. I don't think it's coming back for me either. It feels as though a spell has been broken when it comes to men. But can't say i'm that sad about it.

It's sad you feel that way, but you can't know it won't ever happen again.

I'm single so I have the freedom to reciprocate if someone lovely wanders into my life. There's no reason why it can't happen. The world is full of lonely people.

I agree that there are a lot of worthless creeps out there though. I'm more cynical than I used to be.

I understand and sympathise. I feel sort of numb to it now, but I put that down to quite a bit of trauma and depression.

Well possibly. I definitely blame my disappeared libido on hormones. But love is separate to that I think. My sex drive is coming back now (about a year after finishing breastfeeding my youngest, which I think had a big part in depressing it). But I can't feel romantic about it anymore. Possibly not helped by the low/no libido years where it was just a job that had to be done, but mostly because I have stopped believing it is anything other than an itch to be scratched for men. I used to feel this glorious reciprocity of feeling, this almost telepathy during sex, where I felt hugely emotionally close to my partners. Now I know that's just not there, it was all in my head. They'd get the same pleasure from a fleshlight. Buggers up masturbation too because I used to fantasise about passionate sex with a man who adored me (man varied) but now that seems such a silly idea that it just puts me off. Ugh.

I still get those feelings. Quite often relating to just being in the world. The way the sunlight catches the edge of a glass of water could stop my heart.

When the children are older you could travel more with your husband and all sorts of new experiences may find their way to you both. Where there is life there are flutters to be felt and the world is a mirror, what you believe in will find you so keep letting the light in.x

I feel you. I am 49 been a single parent for 10 years. Met someone 3 years ago and I felt like a teenager again, except he was a total fraud. So that was it for me. I am content and I am not sure I could live with someone again but it is a bit sad I used to love having a crush. I have got someone interested in me atm but I do not feel it we are not suited at all just see him as a friend.

They’re all on OLD I would never try that again. Made me cynical

What counts as “youthful stage”? I fell in love at 35. Plenty on my friends are single in their late 30s & 40s and hoping to fall in love.

Are you on hormonal contraception by any chance? I remember feeling numbed in a similar way around your age then I got my implant out (DH had snip) and it all came back with a vengeance until peri kicked in, which is it’s own hill to climb. But I had a fun few years with all manner of feelings going on inside. This is just to address the physical side and associated fantasy life, I still loved (and love and been in love) with DH throughout luckily, but just wanted to address the hormonal side as if that’s suppressed then it’s hard to feel much even if things are good in a relationship. Even if that’s not the same for you though, I would say how you’re feeling now barely out of breastfeeding DC isn’t how it will always be any more than the teenage flutters lasted forever. Both a pro and con of being female is that we are up and down on this ride through our lives and love and other feelings can catch us unawares. I’ve got friends who felt like you and ended up leaving their DH for women in middle age, and others who fell back in love with DH. It’s good that you’re noticing your needs at least, maybe after putting DC first for a while, so your 40s could be a chance to address them and find ways to feel more fulfilled.

OP my heart goes out to you.
Please just know those feelings you are describing as 'love' in my opinion are not what love is.

For me what you are describing is excitement, chemistry, attraction the anticipation of what might be and whilst these feelings are totally intoxicating and addictive I don't think it is love.

For me love is sticking with someone through thick and thin, the good times and the bad. Having someone's total support, knowing that person 'gets you' and would do anything for you, puts you first and is and always will be there for you. Having a shared history and longevity.
It is knowing if you got ill, sick or incapacitated that person would be there for you and care for you day in and day out.

It is never going to be possible to sustain that heady excitement of a new relationship where everything is heightened and chemistry is running high. The chemicals your brain releases at the time aren't sustained long-term. However what develops over a lifetime is the true love story.

We have friends and a few years ago she was diagnosed with dementia, they were looking forward to their retirement at the time. However her demise has been rapid and he has rapidly become her full time carer and has to do everything for her, feed her, wash her, dress her, shower her, toilet her. He does this day in and day out, has done for years and will continue to do so.

He never complains is kind loving and patient and does everything he can to make her happy and make her laugh, that's love OP, that's the fairy story and if we are lucky that is the love we find.

OP, sorry to be blant, but you are immature, like very very very much so.
Love is what we all want. Not the "falling in love". Yeah, that was needed when you were bonding with your partner to become one unit. But.. come on.. you need serene, warm, overwhelming love that looks like the best friendship of your life, with sex added. What did bring to your life to waste your mental and emotional energy on crushes during your marriage? Nothing, utter nothing. It would have been much better spent on your children, partner, family and friends. It happens, but I would not say it is to be missed. Of course, the feeling of attachment to your partner needs to be there. If you feel you are missing that, then you can get it back, date again, incest some time on intimacy with him, talk to him. It is quite common for couples to lose this a bit when bringing up children.
And I think you are wrong to say men have a different definition of love than women. They, in genetal, have a different way to express their "falling in love" and actual love, but they do not define it or feel it differently.

Now I know that's just not there, it was all in my head. They'd get the same pleasure from a fleshlight.

Is this specific to your partner or do you believe this about all men? Because I’d recommend you stop reading whatever it is you are reading about how all men hate women and see them as pieces of meat. Honestly it’s just depressing and unlikely to help you. I’ve seen loads of people become really cynical and depressed through getting immersed in “activism”, whether that’s feminism or anti-racism or something else. It takes its toll constantly hearing about how hated you are and how shit a place the world is.

I've been with my husband 20 years and yes, come to think of it, am I "in love"? I'm not sure what that looks like after 20 years.
What I do love though, is still trying to create a bit of a buzz around "date night". We both get dressed up nicely, I put on nice underwear, we are a bit flirty on the lead up to create a bit of chemistry, we connect over a few drinks and dinner, walk home with him pinching my bum, and have sex!
That gives me close to that same thrill I'd be looking for from dating.
When I was in the first flush of love with my husband, in my early 20s, I found it so overwhelming and all consuming, it practically made me ill. I'm not sure it would be possible to feel like that as an independent woman in my 40s with my head screwed on.

In 40s too and one day I held dh’s hand as we walked down the street and he gave me a smile (he’d normally make a comment or not totally reciprocate) and I felt the old teenage twinge back for that moment and it did make me warm all over. Could you at least try and get some romance back? A date night with you both making the old effort or the like? But I do agree with everyone, I’d never have thought everything would be so the way it is when I was younger. I think I’d be a bit shocked (more so probably at how little effort we both put in now as we’re just so worn out)

eta I do still love him though, I just think it’s different to how it was

I think the fact that you’ve just stopped breast feeding is fairly important. For me anyway, that and presumably having been pregnant had a huge impact on my self. I would expect to feel very different again in 5 years time. Obviously you can only do your life but for me love and that heady rush did not stop.

Get a dog, honestly the love feeling is great

The tingly feeling you have labelled love is not love at all, I think you’re looking for the wrong thing.

I used to feel this glorious reciprocity of feeling, this almost telepathy during sex, where I felt hugely emotionally close to my partners. Now I know that's just not there, it was all in my head. They'd get the same pleasure from a fleshlight.

I'm a man, and completed mystified where you get the strange idea that we never feel emotion and reciprocity during sex. I certainly do, in terms similar to how you describe it. Talking to other men they do to varying degrees, like women.

Yes it's true that we are ALSO able to be detached and purely physical about sex, to a greater degree than women (although this is more a question of overlapping bell curves than binary either/or, as there is clearly a minority of women who are virtually male-like in their ability to do the same). But that doesn't negate the ability to be fully emotionally involved during sex with a close partner.

If you need to swear off men and love that's your choice. By a certain age we've all been hurt and disappointed by life, and God knows there are plenty of things about men not to like. But you're forming a sweeping conclusion that just isn't true.

Maybe you've just had the wrong partners, or experienced difficulty communicating during/about sex and assumed it was all the other person's fault?