College classmate has it in for me?

[DeflatedInDerby]

This is what it feels like, anyway. I’ve got rock bottom self-esteem so I don’t really trust myself anymore.

I’ve just started a short (6 months ish) college course. Just trying to build my confidence a bit, really. It involves a lot of small group work and this woman just looks at me like I’m stuck to her shoe the whole time. She talks over me, and if I get a word in she seems to feel compelled to argue with or one-up me; I could say grass is green and she’d argue. She is very nitpicky and critical of everything I do.

I feel like I could live with it if I knew she was like it with everyone, but if anything she seems to really suck up to the others.

It’s the second week of the course and I’m sitting here biting my nails about class tomorrow, going over everything I’ve said to her, wondering if I could have inadvertently said or done something to antagonise her, but I’m coming up with nothing.

I KNOW this is an overreaction, but it’s left me wanting to quit. I just could have done with this being a confidence boost and something I could look forward to, but instead it’s now yet another thing to dread. There’s nothing I can do about it, really; it’s not an ‘ask to be moved’ sort of situation. Maybe this is less an AIBU (I think I probably am!) and more a ‘have you experienced this and how did you handle it?’.

I feel so sad about it. I just needed something to work out for once.

Yes I have. Then she became my boss and bullied me even more!

Just ignore her. Not actively rudely, just as if she's invisible and you cannot hear a word she says. Do not let her undermine your confidence. Focus on the work and the nicer members of the group.

Oh no, I’m sorry to hear that! Little chance of that happening in my case, at least. I think I’d be regarded as over-sensitive if I said anything, and at any rate it would probably make things worse rather than better. It’s someone disliking me for no reason that hurts. Makes me think it’s something I’m doing that I’m not aware of.

Please don't quit your course! Just try and be as polite as possible when talking to her which might disarm her a bit. Could you also talk to the course organiser? Student Advisors? Student Representative?

I had someone being arsey with me for no reason that I could work out. So I asked them. Things improved. We are not friends, but they no longer behave badly towards me.

Some people are just dicks and will take against someone for no other reasons. This is not something you have done, this is something they are doing. If you feel unable to ask her what her issue is, then reframe it to she has the issue not you.

Thanks everyone. I am trying to be civil but I just find myself close to tears a lot of the time. (I know that’s feeble, but it’s been a tough few months for me, hence taking the course.) I think going to the course leader would throw more heat than light on the matter, really. I’m really trying not to need too much hand-holding.

Call her out. Every time. Especially in front of others.
"Do you have to be so rude?. I am talking."

Everywhere I’ve ever been, there seems to be just one person who hates me on sight! Everyone else, great, (sometimes have become very longtime friends). I don’t know if it’s a ‘them’ thing or a chemical thing, or something else??
it’s a very hard thing to navigate - especially if you are like me, very non confrontational. I don’t really have any tips, I never quite worked it out, but these people tend to be transitional, short term pain in the asses, and the good ones stick for ever. 💕

I suppose my dream solution is for someone to be able to magically tell me why she doesn’t like me, but that’s not going to happen, is it?!😂Stupid, really. It makes me so self-conscious. I’m censoring myself like crazy just to try to do damage control, but it’s the kind of course where I could end up doing less well if I don’t engage enough. This wasn’t meant to become another problem to solve. What a mess.

Who cares why she doesn’t like you. You might look like someone who stole her lunch when she was in year 5, or sound like a snotty health visitor she once had. It’s her problem. Pretend to be someone you know who is confident and takes no shit and do what you think they would do.

I think you always get a horrible person wherever you go. It's not about you. She just senses your vulnerability. Stay strong.

Ask her point blank if you’ve done something to offend her.

Please don't give up your course because of this. As a couple of posters have said, and the same is true of me - there is often one person who takes against me from the start. It could be jealousy.

Try saying “what is it?” First to get her attention (& likely others) then when she looks at you and/or asks what you mean you can then say “what is it that I have done to offend you?”
she will likely she doesn’t know what you mean or some other bluster, to which you say “Then please stop speaking to me like that or stop speaking over me”

you say the first part to get the attention - also of others around you .. they should have clocked her doing this to you too

Well, don’t censor yourself. Assuming you’re not coming out with offensive drivel, she’s just going to have to deal with not liking you. It’s her shit, not yours. Just engage with the course as and how you want. And what @GiveafuckGertrude said — are you going to get plastic surgery so you no longer remind her of her mean childhood piano teacher, or change your name so it isn’t the name of her school bully? No you’re not. Just focus on you and the reasons you’re doing the course. Ask her what her problem is.

I'm so sorry. I'm going through something similar at the moment, at work. I'm stuck with her, but the good news is, if it's a college course, you're not. This will end.

In thr meantime, focus on forging friendships with others. Bullies are generally like that with more than one person, so other people will see her for her as well, in time.

I’d echo what many pp’s have said. You have to call her out on it loudly, assertively (not aggressively) and in front of as many people as possible. Even if you’re shaking while you’re doing it and you have to go to the loo afterwards to calm yourself down.

Very few bullies have the confidence to double down when asked what the problem is in front of witnesses. You show her that you’ve got the confidence to highlight her behaviour to other people and she’ll never do it again. You just have to summon that confidence the one time.

Just say, do you mind if I finish my point? She can hardly say yes, and it’ll show her up as rude. Thank up to her subtly, and she’ll stop. Also agree with ignoring her, and turning to talk to someone else. Remember that people who do this have a problem with themselves, really.

Look up Jefferson Fisher on Instagram. He has plenty of helpful phrases to use in specific situations with difficult people.

Why does it hurt though? It's just part of life. Everyone rubs someone up the wrong way for absolutely no reason sometimes. You've just found someone who can't stand you, that's their problem, not yours.

You've probably not even done anything to annoy her. She may just have taken an irrational dislike to you. There was a guy I used to work with, let's call him Steve (for that was his name). I absolutely loathed Steve. I couldn't tell you why, everyone else seemed to like him, on paper he seemed like a nice guy. There was just something about him that I found really unpleasant to be around, made my skin crawl. I never let it show, at least I hope not. I hope I hid it better than your college person did at least.

And then one day I'm in the pub after work with a bunch of other colleagues, and we bump into my Dad. He says Hello, I introduce my colleagues, and we have a short conversation. My Dad buggers off one of my colleagues pipes up "You know, if I didn't know he was your Dad, I'd have said he was Steve's"

And suddenly it all fell into place. Me and my Dad have had a somewhat turbulent relationship over the years. In short, he's a womanising twat, who has a desperate need for everyone to like him, especially women. He needs to be the center of the room, often at the expense of everyone else around him.

Steve was not like that, not really, but he was enough like that, and weirdly shared a superficial resemblance to my Dad, that something in my brain went "Nope, I've already got that bellend in my life, don't need another version of him."

I'd like to say that having had this realisation, I became firm friends with Steve. But no, I loathed him until the day I left the company. But at least I loathed him knowing that that loathing was more about me than about Steve.

Who knows why your course-mate hates you @DeflatedInDerby . She may not even know why. You may have done something grossly offensive to her and not realised, but equally, you may just be her Steve.

All you can do is accept that you can't be liked by everyone, and get on with your life.

If she talks over you hold your hand up and say I am sorry but I have not finished
If she picks fault with you talk to your tutor
If you are brave ask her why she is so negative to you (in front of others)

It is her problem not yours do not let it spoil your education

Does it matter OP? I would argue not. Her emotions are not your responsibility.

You've h had some really good advice on here. Perhaps an option could be, when you are starting that day's group work, suggesting a couple of ground rules like respect for other opinions and not interrupting others. Benefits as follows:

• Completely innocuous suggestion
• No-one is likely to disagree
• If she tries it again, the spotlight will immediately shine on her in front of the entire group, especially if someone reminds her of the agreed rules.

Don't give up on the course, you are worth it.

Also if there is a reason such as race or any other prejudice burn her to the ground

This is the approach is take too. Ask her “Did you mean to be so rude?” and wait for her to answer.

Thanks, everyone. This has given me lots to think about. I suppose it shouldn’t matter to me. On an intellectual level, I understand that. On an emotional level, I just don’t have the bandwidth for this kind of nonsense right now. It is occurring to me that perhaps I wasn’t ready to get back out into the world just yet.