Friend cancelled play date

[Pearldrop]

Because her husband is ‘moody’. My DS was looking forward to going to play at his friend’s house. She messaged me earlier today saying can we cancel because he’s moody.
He has form for this and can quite often be shouty when we’ve been round there.
He's been known to go upstairs in a separate room through the visit, but then occasionally pop out to tell them off about something.

My DS is autistic so last minute changes in plans can result in a meltdown. I’ve got to let him know when I collect him from school soon and I’m worried about his reaction.

AIBU to think her husband is being an arse?

Can they come to your house instead?

Aren’t you worried for your friend?

Why are you just worried about your kiddo and not your friend and her child? A moody, shouty husband that is so bad it requires changing plans?

I'd be focused on helping them than worried about your kid not being able to have a play date.

you should probably be more concerned about your friend having a possibly abusive husband who is trying to isolate her

As others have said, can you have playdate at yours instead. And please check in with your friend that everything OK with her. Is there a specific reason why he is asking them to be quiet, such as he is working from home and on Teams calls etc? My DH works from home and I do tell my girls and their friends to stay downstairs as he works upstairs.

Yes, exactly.

I sure her husband is an arse, or worse, but your response is odd. Aren't you more worried about your friend than concerned about the cancelled play date?

Your poor friend. I’d invite her round to yours instead, and offer her the support she wants.

In fact, is this reverse? Are you the person with the abusive husband, whose (supposed ) friend is more concerned about a cancelled play date?

Offer support for your friend. That must be miserable for her, and her poor child.

I wouldn’t be sending my child to that household regardless….i think you’re focussing on the wrong things here!

Considering his unpleasant behaviour on the previous visits to their house then
there must be something particularly bad kicking off with him today if she's gone to the lengths of cancelling.
I don't understand why your first reaction isn't one of concern for your friend and her safety.

You should be concerned about your friend

I hope your friend has some support

I think I’d be asking my friend over and gently asking if she’s alright. My DH can be grumpy with the best of them, never have I had to cancel any plans or stop people coming to my house.

Why would you want to put your son in such a toxic atmosphere anyway!

Buy some cakes and nice coffee and show your friend some kindness.

That’s annoying, but i’d invite them to your house instead.

I would be really worried about my friend in these circumstances. I wouldn't give a shit the playdate, I'd just be really concerned that my friend was clearly in an abusive relationship.

I’ve invited her. She says no, we’ll leave it for another time.

Very very strange priorities. Your friend is being controlled by an aggressive man and your big concern is your son’s meltdown?

Well, part of being a parent to an autistic child is helping them manage the inevitable changes that are a part of every day life. Yes it is difficult but this is important. You can’t just never have cancelled plans because it’ll upset him. He absolutely needs cancelled plans to develop his ability to handle them and any unexpected changes.

Aren't you worried about her?!

She said no to pacify her dh.
Be worried... One day she may really need you.
My now exh was being abusive. I rang my friend (old house phone era)
He ripped the phone out the wall. Luckily she had heard enough to send the police to our door.
Our marriage ended that day.
And I walked away unscathed... Physically anyway.
Thanks to my mate.

I'm sure her husband is way more than an arse

How are YOU going to help her?

Theres obviously more going on than her DH being moody. I doubt she would cancel a play date just because he’s moody (sounds like he’s moody anyway).

Check she’s ok.

This isn't good. If it was a case of she just didn't want to have the kids round her DH when he's in a bad mood (which is bad enough), she would have accepted your offer to go to yours.

Sounds like she's maybe not allowed? I'd try catch up with her at some point and find out if she is really okay.

Agree with teaching your DS that plans change, though. My DD is autistic and she has gradually learned how to cope with change. Strangely enough only 5 minutes ago I had to tell her that something she was super looking forward to at the weekend may not go ahead. I give the bad news, explain the reasoning and that it's no ones fault, then suggest an alternative in a really happy voice. Works most of the time!

I don't understand what the OP is supposed to do for this woman. Just because she's arranging play dates with her, doesn't mean they're particularly close buddies. She's invited her round to her house but she's always declined. I would imagine with an autistic child the OP has enough on her plate without trying to act as unofficial counsellor and she could potentially get herself embroiled in a volatile or unpleasant situation.