Friend cancelled play date

[Pearldrop]

Because her husband is ‘moody’. My DS was looking forward to going to play at his friend’s house. She messaged me earlier today saying can we cancel because he’s moody.
He has form for this and can quite often be shouty when we’ve been round there.
He's been known to go upstairs in a separate room through the visit, but then occasionally pop out to tell them off about something.

My DS is autistic so last minute changes in plans can result in a meltdown. I’ve got to let him know when I collect him from school soon and I’m worried about his reaction.

AIBU to think her husband is being an arse?

She doesn’t have to do anything for her; of course you’re right that they may not have a close enough relationship. But what she isn’t doing is expressing (here) any concern about her. The fact she is posting about this incident without expressing any concern for her implies that it has not occurred to her to be concerned. That’s what people are taking issue with.

Absolutely this, I would have a watchful eye on your friend and read up on domestic violence and how you can best support her.

I suppose even if it’s someone we don’t know well, safeguarding is everyone’s business and OP could for example share any concerns with the school, to help them build a picture.

Echoing the same as everyone else. This woman is in a shit situation

He probably won’t let her come round to yours, which is why she said no

He may have replied to the text for her

How well do you know her?

I suspect OP won’t be back as we’ve literally had her arse to her on a plate… If she can’t take on feedback from people, I’ve had this experience she’s got no chance of supporting a friend

I know it’s frustrating when someone cancels on you last minute, especially when you have told your child you are doing them plans and they fall through.

But please read between the lines here. You’ve already admitted that your friends partner has a habit of being moody and shouty. He is most likely in the background controlling her and she may have been looking forward to the play date as well but has had to cancel because of his requests that he is moody and you can no longer come over. Then he is most likely said no when you said to come to your house instead.

Instead of being off with her or giving her the silent treatment or being funny with her, which will just make her feel worse if she already has a controlling partner. Perhaps you should reach out to her instead if you feel close enough and just let her know that you hope she is doing okay and that you can rearrange for another time when it is more convenient

I don't want to come across as uncaring but realistically would you go to the school to report a "sometimes moody husband"? This could seriously backfire on the OP. In my experience the woman in question (or the husband) could end up banging on her door asking what the hell she thinks she's doing.

Or we all keep staying quiet and every few months there are horrendous child murders and when the pieces of information are joined up if only someone had spoken up something could have been done…even if it just closer monitoring on a vulnerable child

What's going on what he is moody or shouty? Is he working from home? That might be the one situation where I might understand some frustration in inviting people over for a (likely noisy) playdate without discussion/agreement with him. But otherwise it sounds like a generally unpleasant situation and I would see how you could support the mum here, and certainly try and do more of the hosting.

I think the fact that he’s previously given the children into trouble would put me off having a play date at their house again.

Right now I would focus on making sure your friend is okay. I understand a change of plans is very upsetting for your child however, she’s messaged as her husbands mood will impact her day.

If you want to plan more play dates then I would suggest your house or another location so she doesn’t need to cancel. I would also check in regularly with her, making sure she’s alright.

I understand this isn't ideal for your son (or you when you have to deal with the fallout), but in your shoes my main concern would be for my friend.

If her partner is too moody for you to visit and has 'told her off' in front of guests before, imagine what might be happening behind closed doors.

If flakiness doesn't work for your son, arrange future meet ups outside her home (I probably wouldn't take my DC somewhere where one of the adults might come down to berate his family anyway...)

It sounds like BS. If it was all about her DH she would have taken you up on meeting at yours.
She is disrespectful to you, your time and how this will make your DS feel.
I hope you do something fun with him just the two of you.

No, not necessarily but I don’t have all the context OP has. If I was concerned for the woman or the child I would go to the school with concerns. I was suggesting keeping safeguarding in mind rather than going to the school based on what we know of the situation.

Okay again we don’t know enough about this situation but if there is coercive control or DV at play here, clearly the mum wouldn’t necessarily be able to say yes to a play date elsewhere.

Clearly have never been in an abusive, controlling or coercive relationship. Lucky you. Women who have been in these situations know that the only thing to do when DH is throwing a tantrum is stay there and do whatever to make his life easier and alleviate the tension.

You can’t just leave and make your own plans. It’s not even worth considering knowing you’ll come back to find him even angrier.