Why are so many Mumsnetters like this and how representative are they of parents in general?

[Ilvergate]

Why are many of the posters on here so well -informed and pushy about the educational system for the benefit of their kids? (Not necessarily a bad thing).

Ie they seem to know so much about Oxbridge from admissions details like what to prioritise and how to perform at interview; private vs grammar schools etc details; knowing about the best tutors for their kids; being well-informed about A-level choice and GCSE choice etc.

It’s almost like they went to Oxbridge themselves or work there!

I must admit I have grown to resent my parents because of this. Neither of them went to university; neither knew anything about A-levels/GCSEs in terms of being able to give me advice about which to choose or which university to apply for; neither could give any Oxbridgey advice to me; I went to a state school even though there was a local grammar school that was well-performing that I perhaps could have gained a place at but my parents were clueless about the 11+ etc.

Obviously they want/wanted the best for me but it has been more a case of me having to specifically ask them to get a private tutor if I needed one rather than them actively seeking one; or, if at the time of the 11+ I had been aware of it, it would have been a case of me telling them about it and asking them to help me acquire the tools to prepare for it rather than them guiding me.

I’m just wondering are the posters on here representative of the majority of parents in the country or are they just special? Were their parents the same for them or are they being different for the sake of their children?

I'm like that but it's all fear based.

I'm don't see society getting any fairer or easier. I think the wealth gap is going to get significantly worse.

I grew up privileged but am not smart or motivated and have managed to fail upwards based on my background and inheritance. I'm not massively successful in anyway but that just highlights how much worse things would have been in my mind if I hadn't gone to the good school and good college and been a mediocre cog in a respectable profession.

And I don't want my son to have the worries and stresses I have from not being successful in my own right so want to try to set him up as best I can.

While acknowledging this will probably end up fucking him up just as bad in 2 years when he doesn't get the college or degree he thinks is vital to have a good life

This thread has really made me think. I’m the parent of two Oxbridge graduates but there was no strategic planning. Everything was on the hoof.

When DS was born we moved to be near DM because she was a very keen grandmother and we knew she would be really supportive.

So we moved to a very nice area, which happened to be a Grammar School area. I put DC’s names down for the local primary school because it was nearest. It never occurred to me that it wouldn’t be good. While there we discovered that lots of DC had tutors in year 5 for the 11+ so we flapped a bit but did manage to find one for DS. And he got in. He was very bright so it never occurred to us that he wouldn’t get in. But everyone having the tutors was a surprise.

The Grammar School identified DS as being Oxbridge material and provided a lot of guidance and support.

When DS found out he needed to do an admission test and was worried that everyone else would have a tutor, we found one. But it was driven by him.

By the time it was DD’s turn we knew a lot more so could help her more. DS was very supportive of her.

So now I will have a look at Oxbridge questions on MN and answer when I can. It was so much easier second time around with a bit of knowledge.

Most people my age have parents a decade younger maybe even two than my parents I guess they know about college/sixth form/uni because they did it where as my parents were truly a completely different generation.

In a way this is one reason I’m glad I had my own children so young.

Some people's ignorance about their own privilege is astonishing. The idea that it's as simple as saying that parents need to juat bother to care and take interest... Even in the grammar school where I currently teach, there are many kids whose families' situations and attitudes would hold them back from ever considering trying to access top universities. And these are the kids whose parents at least had the inclination to put their dc in for the 11+.

I am in my 50s and had zero help from my parents. I did end up in a professional career and have been more supportive to my own children who have benefitted.

On Mumsnet, the cliché that people who went to Oxbridge or whose kids go there, have to talk about it a lot, is true. There was a thread in the summer about what to wear at graduation. It was only the Oxbridge parents who had to mention the university, when discussing their outfits; it was quite amusing to see!

Like for instance, look up the Oxbridge 2026 application thread on here. They are also informed about everything to do with the application process and are preparing to give their children advice on what to do, etc.

Were your children classified as “gifted and talented”? I’m not sure what the difference is between that and “Oxbridge material”? Like how do they even find out who is g&t? Hopefully, someone who knows can answer.

I think I read on another thread once that they no longer classify children as gifted and talented

But if her children are already university graduates then that may not have applied to them.

Sorry didn’t know you was asking a particular poster it’s best to press quote under their comment before you type your own comment that way they get a notification

One thing I always have to remind myself about There was no internet back then !!
True, but an encyclopaedia in the house would have been helpful.

Surely that was because there might be something specific related to protocol at Oxford? I didn’t go but my friend did and there were lots of rules they had that didn’t apply to other universities.

I’m not sure how to respond really, the grass isn’t greener on the other side I suppose. My parents drilled in the importance of education from a young age sure - but there was always that pressure to impress them.

The other thing is, there should also be some responsibility on the school to set kids up and be a point of information around best options to choose for GCSE/A Level or advise on what universities are looking for etc.

I went to Oxbridge but won't be pushing my kids into going. They will of course have cultural and educational advantages from having middle class reasonably well off parents as I did. I won't push university or Oxbridge with them as my priority is their happiness not financial success. When I got to Oxbridge I realised just how well off and privately or grammar educated most of my peers were and felt like the not posh one after feeling like the posh one at my comprehensive school.

It can be a generational thing too My parents put a lot of care and interest into me, but they were in their 40s when they had me (so born in the early 60s) back then barely anyone went to college let alone university and GCSEs were called o levels which staying at school long enough to do was optional with most people back then leaving early for an actual job.
My other half’s parents are only a decade younger than mine and they did college, uni etc and know all about it.

You only need to look on FB pages such as Wiwikau to see how many parents have utterly no clue about university funding for students, and it comes as a huge shock that in a lot of cases they are expected to contribute. These often are parents who are educated, but they had grants, and the modern experience is totally different.

I feel similar to you OP. Working class upbringing, factory worker parents, wider larger family all the same, they knew nothing about the education system. Still don't.

Mumsnet is generally (key word), a massive middle class, England dwelling bubble, so no, not representative. Provides interesting threads though 😁

The British class system is always quoted in threads such as this, but what about countries who do not have a class system as we might recognise.

Do other countries have a "Russell group" of "better" universities? "Ivy league"?

I read an interesting piece recently via LinkedIn by a headteacher talking about how working class children are being let down by education but he was talking about how while these families may be aspirational for their children, they dont see education as the way to progress. Which was quite interesting.

I think its true that some families see traditional school as something they have to do because that's what the government says they have to do, and others who see it as a stepping stone. And the latter are the ones who put the effort in to understand school processes etc. And of course, it's self perpetuating in that the more educated someone is, assuming that has benefited them, the more likely they are to understand the system and want to continue operating within it.

Yep all countries have class systems I don’t get people who say it’s just a Brit thing, check India.

Im middle class but didn’t even know the difference between college and uni till I was 17. Because I had boomer parents decades older than most people my age’s parents ( I love them and am not blaming them but they were so out of touch)

I didnt go to Uni, job straight out of 6th form ( late 80’s) my DH did an engineering apprenticeship, both of us work hard , we have 3 children.
Our eldest didnt want to go to Uni, he did an apprenticeship and got offered a job, works full time. Our second DS set his sights on going to Oxford Uni, went to local schools, studied hard and went through the Oxford opportunity scheme, he came out with a first class masters degree in Chemistry, now up in Edinburgh studying for a Phd.
All we did as parents was the usual, got him to school, fed, watered him, kept the house warm etc, we didnt have time to analyse all the information, no tutors.
We drove him to the open days, lots of emotional support going through Uni.
Just to say, he’s alot happier at Edinburgh.
We’ll see what our DD wants to do,its her life, her choices and we’ll support her all the way.

I've used a "support" emoji, not because I think "poor you" but I think that you have made a great life (from another person from a working class background who is now in a good professional career).

I'm not sure if that's the correct reaction to use, so wanted to explain!

So your parents are wrong to be proud of you?? Would you rather they ignored your achievements and never spoke of them?

You say yourself that they didn't know anything about education. There was no Internet back then and unless they had friends who went to university etc how could they possibly know how to advise you?

It sounds like they gave you the upbringing they had. I see nothing wrong with that. They did their best OP and im sorry you feel they fell short but you still got to Oxford so im struggling to understand why you are so resentful of them? Give them a little grace.

I fully admit this next comment is petty but if you're so smart, learn to use the 'quote' button. Your replies make no sense as no one knows who you're talking to.

I think most mumsnetters seem to be more in the send them to the local school and don’t put too much pressure on them school of thinking.

There’s definitely something odd in the UK that ‘bragging’ is somehow seen a dirty thing. And by ‘bragging’ I mean telling people about yourself, your achievements and your children’s achievements. If my child is successful at anything I’ll tell people about it (context dependant!) and sure, I’ll give myself a little pat on the back too for good measure!