A CM one, AIBU to ask for more?

[CanterburyRoadBlock]

My son is 15. His Father and I separated after a domestic incident when DS was about 2.

Ex has since remarried. He drives a brand new Mercedes, and they go on holiday at least 3 times a year. He and his wife have no children. He works FT as a lorry driver.

Since my son was around 7, I have been given £40 a week. My son has size 12 feet and is in adult men's medium clothing. He eats a lot of meat and does sports which mean a lot of travel.

I work FT in a middle role after putting myself through a masters. I am having to use a credit card by the end of the month.

The last time I contacted CMS about 7 years ago he threatened me, so I just accepted the £40 because its better than nothing (at the point I would regularly go without meals). He sees DS EOW, and 2 weeks during the 7 week summer holiday, 5 days at Christmas. DS is not 100% comfortable around him i dont think, i dont think he'll be happy if I ask for anything more.

But can I?

Have you checked the calculator on CMS to see how much you’re entitled to each month? Personally, I would pursue it through the system, however you may be waiting a long time if it goes to collect and pay.

He threatened you with what? Violence if you did? You should have followed on this put the request in and if he threatened again called the police...

Why are you only doing this now?

Yes you can ask

Just do the CMS calculation and start the process of you aren't happy.

Please don't mention that your son eats a lot of meat. I know you think you're making the point that he is expensive to feed but it's a dietary choice and it diminishes your arguement.

Facts are that you have a child. CMS calculation is X and that's eat he needs to pay. Don't get drawn into cost of meat and men's clothing sizes because it gives teeth to an argument about whether you should feed less meat or buy secondhand because that's what your ex will suggest

You can ask him to pay what the CMS tells him to pay and yanbu to ask for CMS to do a calculation. If he threatens to harm you for going to them ring the police.

Thank you for your comments, @BaconCheesesthank you, I always try to explain myself, and your point showed how this doesnt work.

I'm not sure how to broach it, do I just call the CMS and ask them to look into it and complete a calculation? Part of me thought I could send him a link to the online gov. Calculator and ask him to input his salary, but I can't imagine he will totally honest. I could contact the CMS and then send him a message to let him know. I feel afraid of the fall out.

<3 thank you for taking the comment in good faith and as it was meant.

Have a play on the CMS website. I can't see he would.pay less than £40.if you had it recalculated.

I had a go for you and said he earns £30k a year and has DC 2-3 Nights a week and it said he will pay £49-£213 per month.

My advice is to haveaa play on the calculator and then make a considered risk as to whether or it is worth the risk of following the process (I can't advise I'm afraid).

On paper, I'd say its worth the risk but you need to be committed to seeing it through when he kicks off and be prepared that some spiteful men will weapons kids and hide money, but you're only responsible for you and imo, it's worth the risk. But that's easy for me to say as I'm not going to have to go through it. I do hope you have support and get a good result though as tbh I think £50 is on the low side and ge is further underpaying. It probably isn't worth it to him to fight it so in some ways you may benefit from it being more than £50 but less than £200 to.save the aggro.

So I sent him a message, with the government calculator and asked him to please come back with a revised amount. I said, for example, a person earning £25k per year would be paying higher than what he is for less than 103 night a year.

He came back to say he earns well under £25k (he has been on 3 holidays this year and he and his wife drive a Mercedes each), and he is on a zero hours contract so he can have more time with DS. For context, he is an EOW Dad and never collects DS from school due to his work. DS a few years ago wanted to see his Dad a little more, so his Dad said he could come one extra night a month as long as I did all the driving. DS doesnt usually want to do that anymore. Ex has also now stated he will not be contributing any money towards DSs school trip abroad next year which costs around £800, I have paid £300.

I hate HATE that my whole life mediocre men have stomped around, and more fool me I have chosen terrible, aggressive men because it felt familiar. I no longer want to accept such terrible behaviour. Imagine paying £40 a week for a child and now a teenager and refusing to contribute any money towards a trip that is important to them.

Just go to CMS or whatever it is called now

Definitely pursue it through CMS. Also, your son is now old enough to decide whether he wants to see his dad. And if threats are made to either of you, report them immediately.

Persue it thetic CMS. But the fact they have mercedes and multiple holidays is irrelevant as they can claim she pays for them.

Its shit, it really is. My ex hasn't paid for years. CMS made a 'nil' assessment. Yet he has a nice car and a Harley. Make it make sense.

Do you believe him about his salary OP? Is it possible he’s working on a self employed basis, in which case he could have set his salary at whatever level really if he was sneaky?

Either way at this point I’d just pursue via CMS, take the negotiating and agg out of it. If they find his income to be higher then you’re better off, if they find it to be lower then you’re potentially no worse off than your current £40 a week but at least you’re not relying on his good will essentially.

It’s always the risk when rocking the boat that they can just go ooo nope now I’m not paying for xyz and it is really shit that the system allows so many men to get away with it.

He can’t be earning “much less than £25k” if he works full time as a lorry driver.

Minimum wage for someone working 40 hours a week would be just over £25k. I don’t believe lorry drivers are paid minimum wage.

The fact that he has a nice car and 3 holidays a year doesn’t necessarily indicate that he earns a huge amount of course. HIs new partner could be paying for those.

The threat he has made back then of increasing time with DS don’t hold now do they though as he is 15

go via CMS

Just go to CMS and not allow the dickhead to control you anymore. If CM comes back with £39, then 🤷🏾‍♀️. If not, it will have been worth it.

What a shameless twat ☹️.

Its not fair op. Try cms

Depending on who he works for though he may be getting paid minimum wage and getting the rest as cash in hand. Sadly its not unusual with smaller firms if drivers want to do that.

Plus his wife's finances dont count so she may be their wage earner.

Go to CMS, even if the amount is small it means you never have to ask him for the money again, he won’t have that control over you. Plus if his earnings ever increase he will have to pay more,

I'd just do the CMS at this stage. It's highly likely he's hiding his income so you may not get far, but fuck it. It's worth a try.
Absolute horse shit that he earns way less than 25k as a FT HGV driver 🤣. He's doing a portion cash in hand. He's a sneaky, selfish shit, and unfortunately its not unusual.
From your post it seems like your son is starting to see his dad for what he is. I wouldn't be surprised if the contact eventually dwindles as your son ages.
In what way did he threaten you last time you wanted to try CMS?

Lorry driver earnings vary but pay increases have been the norm since covid due to the driver shortage so I'd say typical earnings are minimum £35K up to around £55-60K depending on nature of duties, hours, nights out, specialisms etc.

Google average wage for his job. Use that for an online calculation for cms.
Notify your cms online/phone.
He is being a knob and you must be thanking God everyday that he is someone elses problem now.

Are you sure it’s not just all his new wife’s money they are flashing about?

Thanks everyone, really needed some solidarity. His employer is a living wage employer, which just increased to £13.45 on 22 October. I googled average pay and the only figure I could find is £17.78. I sent over calcutions based on these and he accused me of being way off and "whoever I'm talking to" (no one).

He said he is on a ZH contract so he can see DS...he sees him EOW, and never collects him from school.

It could be his wife funding his lifestyle (why!) But he's 41, has no other dependents, and his only son does not interrupt his work, why would he earn less than £25k working full time in a job he has done for over a decade.

He's talking shit. He knows you know it as well. Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do about it. He hides his income and does a ZH contract to allow this to happen. When CMS check, I'm sure they'll find he earns virtually nothing. It's SO common.
I'd not bother to try and negotiate with him any longer as he's never going to give you the truth or increase the amount he gives you voluntarily. He's put effort into figuring out exactly how to pay you the bare minimum he can, he's not going to cough up because he doesn't care if you are on the bones of your arse or his kid can't go on a trip.
He's just another shitty father in a world of shitty fathers.

You need to be careful getting CMS involved, unless you can be sure you’ll get more than £40.

There’s lots of loopholes. For example, DH’s ex is self-employed, and declares next to nothing on her tax returns, so he only gets £7 for his child (which she doesn’t even pay and we can’t be bothered to pursue).