To really struggle with my kids

[JackandSallySkellington]

I know I am, because they’re just typical of their ages (6 and 2) but I’m finding parenting so stressful that it’s turning me into an awful person.

My kids don’t sleep through the night. Or rather, they don’t sleep through most nights and together that means every night. One of them usually has a cold, a nightmare, is woken by motorbikes or helicopters (why we have so many of those round here I have no idea), or just wakes and wants to come in our room. Between them it’s every night, sometimes twice a night, and the anxiety of this means I am such a light sleeper even if they have a good night I am not well rested. I feel like I have forgotten how to sleep deeply or well as it’s been so many years since this happened. I struggle to drop off and my heart hammers at every little sound praying they’re not waking up.

They’re up at 6am and every morning I lie in bed for a few minutes with an overwhelming sense of just not wanting to face the day. It’s relentless. I can’t remember the last time I did anything I want to do. Yes DH can and has and would take them if I asked, but my friends are very much ‘mum friends’ and most of my socialising revolved around play dates. We’ve just moved to a new area and I’m still getting to know people. I can’t remember the last time I dressed up or felt much excitement about anything.

My kids fight and scream relentlessly. I’m careful about sugar and screen time and make sure they get lots of fresh air, but it’s not enough. Every minute spent at home they’re winding each other up, crying, screaming, throwing things on the wood floor, slamming doors or agitating the dog. To get them to do anything like playing I have to relentlessly engage them which I would expect for a 2 year old but for the 6 year old I really thought she would be occupying herself a bit by now. They have plenty of toys, books, crafts, games and a play area in the garden with a mud kitchen but even while doing this the fighting continues. I just set up the table for painting but after 2 minutes DS kept ladling the paint into his mouth and laughing and wouldn’t stop.

I’m worn out and depressed. I shout a lot. I have no patience any more and keep bursting into tears. I love the kids but I want to sleep 7 hours a night, I want them to just play with toys even if only for 15 minutes, I want to be able to do anything around the house without the sounds of screaming and objects breaking the moment I leave the room.

I’m so on edge and my nervous system feels destroyed from intercepting constant fighting and accident near misses.

I’m clearly a constant source of disappointment to DH who clearly wants me to be one of those chilled, cool mums but it isn’t him who spends most time with them, and it isn’t him who has to do housework while breaking up fights and similar (I’m SAHM).

I’m going back on fluoxetine tomorrow. I know I’m a shit mum and they’ll hate me for being so miserable when they’re older.

Your husband I am guessing is a lazy dickhead at home. He needs to do more. You need at least one night where he does all the wakings. Is that possible?

And I get the feeling you are the opposite of a shit mum. You are only human and exhausted after six years of this.

I promise he isn’t. At the weekends he gets up with them and I can go down whenever I want. The problem is once they’ve woken me up that’s it - I literally wake with my heart hammering and lying in bed just makes me feel awful. But he works long hours and obviously those times fall to me.

I would go to work at least part time to get some escape. You get to put nice clothes on and speak to other adults!

Why are you a SAHM? Can you go back to work? Are you eligible for funding for childcare? This would give you a break from the 2 year old.

You need a protected slot of time off every weekend. Not a one off "treat" that you can't even enjoy because you're trying to cram too much in because you don't know if/when it will ever happen again.

A good 2-3 hour chunk every week, where you have time to maybe go for a walk/swim/gym etc AND ALSO sit and have a coffee by yourself and read a book/doom scroll in peace. Ie enough time to actually switch off, not a quick dash out to "do something for yourself" and then dash straight back home.

It's so hard. Relentless is the right word. I have nothing really to say other than I know what you're going through. There are brief moments of happiness but inevitably they are fleeting and you're snapped right out of it.

This weekend has been like that for me. It's a relief when they're both in bed and I hate feeling like that but last night I just cried at how overwhelming it all is.

I actually do have a job, it’s complicated but I’m on unpaid leave at the moment while waiting for a new role to start (big backstory, but I’m back in spring). But owing to this we can’t afford nursery in the meantime, and I’ve been a SAHM for a number of months.

Oh God so did I. I feel like such a non-person. I wear my puffer coat indoors as DS’s favourite activity is to run at me from the other end of the room and throw himself into me elbows first. I can’t take a piss without them literally switching the light off over my head from outside. Any conversation I attempt with DH they yell and scream over it.

I’m not a walkover, I’m quite stern and use time outs and take away toys, they don’t give a fuck

sending hugs

presumably the six year old is at school.

can you get out and about with the two year old? Two is a tricky age but at least they don’t fight if one is at school.

I had twins and they fought like cat and dog.

Mine were shit sleepers so I'm saying to you what I wish I'd done, in hindsight. Book a hotel for 2 nights. Make it a work trip if you need to. Catch up on some sleep. Ask them for a quiet room in advance. Trust me, you will sleep.

I would also really recommend a sleep headband / eye mask with built in Bluetooth speakers. Pull it over your eyes and play yourself white noise all night.

Explain to DH how you're feeling and that you need some regular unbroken nights.

Could have written this myself! Constant elbows and knees to the torso too while they clamber over me

Wind down bed time routine? Soft lighting to transition into sleep, reading to them?

I have two children with the same age gap and I can confirm that 6yo and 2yo is a tough stage.

Mine are 7 and 11 now and my goodness, OP everything is SO much easier and more fun. Don't get me wrong, they both have their moments but on the whole they are great company, much more independent and they sleep well.

Going back to work made a massive difference to my mental health. I am not cut out to be a SAHM and it does not mean I am a bad Mum. Neither are you, you're just exhausted and you need something for yourself.

One thing I've learned is that its very easy to fall into the trap of martyrdom. If your DH is happy to get up with the kids on the weekend then let him, even if you can't get back to sleep put some headphones in so you can't hear them and listen to a podcast, lie in bed and read a book. Whatever you do don't go "well, im awake so I might as well go downstairs and deal with them". Get up and leave the house if that's easier, go and have a coffee in peace or something. If you need a break, ask. Don't wait for your DH to offer just say "I really need a break, please can you take the kids out for a couple of hours on Sunday". If you feel like getting dressed up and going out for a meal, tell your DH that's what you'd like to do, book a babysitter and do it. You're allowed to do these things, and even if you don't feel like doing them much right now because you're feeling low and exhausted, getting out of the house regularly and doing something for you will make you feel better in the long run.

You need to sleep train both!!

Eldest really does need to come to you in the night unless poorly or a rare nightmare. Can you do a sticker chart or something for not waking mummy? Its a bad habit at that age.

It is perfectly possible to get a two year old sleeping through most nights as well, in your shoes i'd shell out for a sleep consultant if you aren't sure what to do.

4 years is a bit of a tricky age gap, is it just 6 or 6 headed for 7? Just 2 or nearer age 3? Little one is probably too young to be a meaningful playmate for older one at this stage especially if its older girl/younger boy.

Can you identify some activities eldest is willing to do by herself - set her targets, 10 mins playinb without mummy etc.

Have a story session every single day - sit them on a bean bag with pot of rice crispies and a drink & put audio books on for them so you can drink a tea in peace

Also i know its poor consolation now but the time outs and stuff do work but its a long game. In a couple of years when they are 8 and 4 they will be miles better honestly, so do what you need to now to just survive/keep sanity intact.

I cried last night too, you are NOT alone and there is no such thing as cool Mums, I've been described that way and I can tell you I am VERY much not.

I genuinely think it’s the broken sleep contributing massively to your low mood and anxiety. I have 5 kids (11, 9, 7, 1, and 3 months) and didn’t find any of them tricky or overwhelming until the newest baby (not the best sleeper) because the oldest 4 all slept well (though two were sleep trained). You can function so much better on rest. I’m a super light sleeper so I feel your pain, always feeling on edge that the baby is going to wake.

What have you tried for improving their sleep? Maybe someone on here can offer some suggestions.

I think you need some strategies for your anxiety when they wake in the night. Let your husband go to them. You put on white noise and listen to an app, have a mantra etc to calm down and sleep again. The kids need sleep training, but in a way, maybe you deserve that too.

Solidarity. It sounds incredibly stressful and I've definitely been in that place at times with parenting.

What helps IME

Sleep - this needs to be a priority so I think you need to gatekeep it and have some boundaries or a reward chart or SOME WAY to ensure that you get an uninterrupted stretch of sleep through the night, barring emergencies (sickness, wet bed or serious nightmare). If you hate the idea of "sleep training" look at Lyndsey Hookway's book Still Awake. She is anti sleep training but also anti parents feeling like they just have to cope with broken sleep for ever and ever and ever. She speaks sense IMO.

Can DH help with nights?

Some kind of white noise or soundproofing in their bedroom? There are "acoustic panels" you can buy which supposedly absorb sound which you can get in all different designs. Or consider swapping bedrooms if theirs faces a bad road for the motorbikes?

Boundaries - I see you say you're not a pushover and I don't mean to imply you are. But I've found a useful concept which has been a big lightbulb moment for me. Sometimes when I'm getting frustrated and burnt out it's because I've started out with the DC having more freedom than they can handle, and then I'm trying to swoop in and take it away/put a boundary in place when it goes wrong. This tends to cause a whole blow up and a stressful situation and it doesn't stop it from happening the next time either.

If I can do it the other way around, having the tighter boundary as the starting point, and only increasing their freedom in little bits as and when I see that they can handle it, it works better. It's kind of like the difference between letting them have screen time without any specified limit and then battling to get them to turn it off, vs having a scenario where they have to ask to get the (tablet or whatever) and you say OK yes you can play on it for 30 mins and set a timer (and they know from experience if they kick off about the time ending, you won't let them have it the next time).

In our household at least 3/5 of us have ADHD, which doesn't help - that's taught me that sometimes DC need a bit more active coaching in things. So for example, fighting all the time, my younger two are 7 and 4, there was quite a long time where I couldn't leave them unattended together, I would have to sit with (esp the older one of these two) and explain to him what his brother was doing and why it wasn't a threat and when he started barking instructions, I helped him to reword it in a way which was less likely to get the younger one's back up. Then if I wanted or needed to leave the room, I would have to persuade one of them to come with me which was always a laugh a minute. But over time this kind of thing helped because they got more and more able to ne in the same space and coexist without trying to kill each other.

And yeah god if you need medication all power to it, go for it. It's nothing to be ashamed of if it helps.

Getting breaks is not a luxury - it's an essential and you need it for your sanity. A regular evening hobby or meet up or whatever, an occasional weekend away. If you can wrangle that around DH's work, or by using family or paid childcare, do it.

Stop painting.

Stop trying to be some wonder parent with all these activities.

Get them outside: park, bike, picnic. And stay there till they ask to go home. Let them run around. If they're outdoors, they can't cause destruction.

When they wake up in the middle of the night tell them to go back to sleep in a stern voice, and mean it.

Who's in charge here, op??

I literally do all of these things. I’m considered a strict parent by almost everyone who knows me. Sometimes it just doesn’t work.

At the weekends we are all out for a minimum of 4 hours of fresh air. Long dog walk in the woods every morning, then usually a park trip, or a family farm, or the beach. On weekdays DS gets the same and DD is at school.

This really isn’t a case of permissive parenting and too much time indoors, trust me.

My kids aren't sleepers and some of what you're saying really resonates... But lots of it went away when I started with magnesium spray for leg cramps and then the doctor did a blood test and I had low iron and was put on iron for a few months. Still waking a couple of times a night and I'm tired, but I no longer feel broken and laid in bed heart hammering.

Worth trying for a month if it doesn't help you'll only be down the cost of some spray and iron tablets

@BertieBotts thank you so much for your very thoughtful and kind response. I recognise a what of what you say about boundaries. One of my friends suggested putting the boundary in before all hell breaks loose - eg ‘DD, DS, you are about to get in the bath, if you splash me on purpose then you will be getting out’ rather than waiting for it to happen and then imposing the boundary and this has definitely helped - at least with DD who has greater understanding. DS understands when I tell him not to do something but is a typical 2 year old and often his desire to copy or mimic his sister overrides what I say. She could do anything and he would be desperate to copy her.

We’ve just moved from a solid, study Victorian house on a quiet road to a 2010s build on a family estate and often this means people’s teens ragging their new cars about, plus the noise in the house is so carrying. Unfortunately the kids bedrooms both face the road and ours does too as it spans the length of the end of the house as the biggest room. The only rooms that don’t are the bathroom and 2m x 2m home office 🙄

Sleep is definitely the main issue. Both kids slept through 10+ hours from the age of 1 but seem to have regressed slowly and over time, and their ages are such that when the oldest finally started sleeping I was pregnant with my youngest fairly soon after and then had a newborn. I will download the book you suggested tonight - sleep ‘training’ simply won’t work as they will cry and cry and cry and wake the other. They have a solid routine of dinner, bath, stories and bed by 7.30 (youngest) and 8pm (oldest). No TV in the 2 hours before bed, it goes off by 5 when we have dinner and even before that on schooldays when we have a 4.15 limit.

DD is the puzzle, frankly. I was discussing her with DH last night (in between sobs, it was a pretty fraught conversation) and it honestly feels she is less independent and developed than she was at 3. At 3 she slept through the night, could entertain herself for short stretches, had less tantrums. DS arrived and it’s like she had a regression. It feels, dishearteningly, like the linear progress I expected to make over the years as a parent just isn’t happening with her. She gets good reports at school, has lots of friends and in public is quite well behaved. I think the arrival of DS just sent her off piste and now his toddler behaviour set the standard and she copies it.

Thank you. I went on a play date last week with a mum and her very well behaved twins who were delightful. She had a bento box full of healthy snacks, her kids looked immaculate. DS had an epic tantrum (the kind where they thrash and try to kick/hit you as you carry them like a surfboards) which he kept up for a full 20 minutes, my car was full of crap all over the floor etc and I just felt like I looked an absolute mess. She’s very nice and I’m sure she wasn’t judging me but I was judging me. I don’t want to be like this for the kids, my own mum was alway stressed/running late/harassed and I remember wishing she could be a bit more like the other mums.