I know I am, because they’re just typical of their ages (6 and 2) but I’m finding parenting so stressful that it’s turning me into an awful person.
My kids don’t sleep through the night. Or rather, they don’t sleep through most nights and together that means every night. One of them usually has a cold, a nightmare, is woken by motorbikes or helicopters (why we have so many of those round here I have no idea), or just wakes and wants to come in our room. Between them it’s every night, sometimes twice a night, and the anxiety of this means I am such a light sleeper even if they have a good night I am not well rested. I feel like I have forgotten how to sleep deeply or well as it’s been so many years since this happened. I struggle to drop off and my heart hammers at every little sound praying they’re not waking up.
They’re up at 6am and every morning I lie in bed for a few minutes with an overwhelming sense of just not wanting to face the day. It’s relentless. I can’t remember the last time I did anything I want to do. Yes DH can and has and would take them if I asked, but my friends are very much ‘mum friends’ and most of my socialising revolved around play dates. We’ve just moved to a new area and I’m still getting to know people. I can’t remember the last time I dressed up or felt much excitement about anything.
My kids fight and scream relentlessly. I’m careful about sugar and screen time and make sure they get lots of fresh air, but it’s not enough. Every minute spent at home they’re winding each other up, crying, screaming, throwing things on the wood floor, slamming doors or agitating the dog. To get them to do anything like playing I have to relentlessly engage them which I would expect for a 2 year old but for the 6 year old I really thought she would be occupying herself a bit by now. They have plenty of toys, books, crafts, games and a play area in the garden with a mud kitchen but even while doing this the fighting continues. I just set up the table for painting but after 2 minutes DS kept ladling the paint into his mouth and laughing and wouldn’t stop.
I’m worn out and depressed. I shout a lot. I have no patience any more and keep bursting into tears. I love the kids but I want to sleep 7 hours a night, I want them to just play with toys even if only for 15 minutes, I want to be able to do anything around the house without the sounds of screaming and objects breaking the moment I leave the room.
I’m so on edge and my nervous system feels destroyed from intercepting constant fighting and accident near misses.
I’m clearly a constant source of disappointment to DH who clearly wants me to be one of those chilled, cool mums but it isn’t him who spends most time with them, and it isn’t him who has to do housework while breaking up fights and similar (I’m SAHM).
I’m going back on fluoxetine tomorrow. I know I’m a shit mum and they’ll hate me for being so miserable when they’re older.