To think it’s unfair for mum to pay for brother’s share of holiday?

[Obeseandashamed]

Exactly that really. Brother is 27, lives at home as moved back after not being able to afford rent in a capital city elsewhere. My parents previously subsidised his rent but she wanted him to move back so she could keep an eye on him. He likes to live a free spirited lifestyle, travelling a lot, not holding down serious jobs as he finds them boring and so that he can travel at short notice and as frequently as he likes - you know the type. I am quite upset as we are going on a family trip. It was initially supposed to be just me, my DH and children but my mum wanted to come too and decided to take my brother with her for additional company. My dad also decided to come too. It’s not your typical holiday as it’s a guided city tour for a week so lots of doing things together. Anyway, I’m slightly upset that my mum is paying for my brother to go yet hasn’t offered to pay towards anything for me. I am not shocked but I am upset by it. There is clearly a big difference in the way we are treated and I always told myself it was because he is single and I haven’t been away with them but this time that’s not the case so i almost feel like I can’t reassure myself with that anymore.

My brother travels a lot and has had at least 3 holidays in the last year. My mum subsidises his income all the time and says it’s her fault because when he chooses not to work, he can’t claim any benefits as she transferred his savings into his own name many years ago. FWIW he doesn’t use his savings to sustain his lifestyle and they’re locked away in various ISAS.

I rarely get a birthday present. It’s usually an IOU with a false promise to do something together which rarely materialises or when it does, it’s hugely underwhelming and I have to be super thankful for it. This year 5 months after my birthday she took me to her gym spa on a free guest pass and passed it off as my present. I always buy her nice and thoughtful gifts. Previous presents have included experiences she likes such as hard to obtain sporting tickets with hospitality for a sport she likes, a specific type of designer purse she had been talking about, jewellery, silk scarves, dining experiences and cooking classes and such like. I cannot recall the last thoughtful present I received.

For context I’ve not lived at home for over 15 years and never been away with my parents in this time though they regularly go away. They are very comfortable financially and much better off financially than we are. We are middle earners although I gave up work last year to be a SAHM and due to ill health. She knows all of this and how we have adjusted our lifestyle accordingly to manage the reduction in income. We have a mortgage and childcare costs too.

I just want to feel like I’m an equal in the family and I really don’t feel like that. I also feel like my efforts are not reciprocated when in fact I’m the person who makes the most effort and bend over backwards to please.

Sorry for the long post!

I agree. I would too but his situation is very much a lifestyle choice rather than being incapable. As I say he has had at least 3 holidays with friends in the last 6 months. My mum pays his mobile phone bill and he doesn’t contribute anything financially to the household either (not that my parents need him to either).

I suppose him choosing to take on non-serious jobs that allow him to live a free-spirited lifestyle is similar to me choosing to be a sahm to accommodate my family and health. The only difference is I am not reliant on anybody else funding my lifestyle choices.

Maybe I am being unreasonable and just need to brush it off to stop myself feeling sad about it.

OP I think the holiday you’re upset about is actually the least offensive thing. You’d already decided to go and booked. She’s just adding another family member who wouldn’t otherwise go. I can understand when you are married and he is living at home, they are thinking of themselves as having responsibility for him, while you have launched, have a husband and family and your finances are now not their business. It’s not ideal, but it’s not egregious.

But I think it’s the straw that has broken the camel’s back…. And it’s become the symbol of decades of mild neglect or inequity that you are only just absorbing. I can imagine that’s very painful. But I wouldn’t assume it is about love.

They obviously see you as independent. Their job was done some time ago. Perhaps they even feel pushed out by your DH and kids. (Because They are no longer needed or the central people in your life). Your brother, by contrast, needs them. He’s in their home every day, acting like the child in the family. That will create a day to day familiarity and closeness (including possibly tension you don’t know about). They are emotionally attached and still in their role of responsibility as parents…. Which gives purpose. Being needed is central to many people’s sense of self.

While you are independent, deep down even grown children want to be taken care of and still be loved in that way by their parents. And if there is a sibling who is still getting all that- especially if it’s through their own bad behaviour, while they have been ‘good’ by being responsible and making themselves independent and ‘succeeding’…. It is understandably painful. We are told always that being good makes us more loved, when actually in this case it feels like the opposite.

I think there are two ways to go on this. If you think your mum was caring when you were younger, and would care how you feel and maybe change, then I’d talk to her. But don’t make it about the holiday. There are plenty of justifications for that and honestly, you would sound petty asking for her to pay for a holiday you’d already decided to go on and paid for, just to get the same as your brother. Instead Speak from the heart on the real cause of pain, with compassion for her and benefit of the doubt that her intent is good.

Or mourn that pain on your own… and step back so you are no longer asking for/expecting something you are not going to receive.

I thought that but the other one was a single woman with no children and possibly also living at home like the brother.

I voted YABU because you're letting them all crash your holiday. Tell them to get to fuck.

It was initially supposed to be just me, my DH and children but my mum wanted to come too and decided to take my brother with her for additional company. My dad also decided to come too.

You need to learn to say no!

YANBU. Have you mentioned this to your mum OP? She may be so used to the dynamic that she 'can't see the wood for the trees' and genuinely hasn't realised that she's being unfair or that you might feel upset about it.

I would have a quiet chat with your mum. Not make a huge issue of it but just say you found this a bit upsetting.

In this specific instance you are BU as originally it was a trip you were planning for your own family and paying for it yourselves.

Other people are now coming, but their costs have been covered, so it's not costing you any more.

Overall, I can see why the whole situation annoys you, and it would annoy me too, but realistically it's your mum's choice how she spends her own money.

But if you feel there is an imbalance in other areas (birthdays etc.) then it is within your power to even up the imbalance.

I'm going to be harsh here. And I do apologise for it but I've seen this before.

My ex had 2 children. One he doted on. One he had a more normal attitude towards.

Doted on child could easily be your bro. No real long-term, full-time job. Only time child had a full-time job it was downgraded to part-time because it was too much of a commitment. Lived at home. Bank of dad.

Other child was also quite spoiled, as in funded and a little bit lazy. BUT in mid-20s wised up and adulted up. Full-time job. Moved out. Financially independent.

Doted on child while living independently now with a useless partner and 2 children STILL has to be funded by dad. He had to buy them a car. Help with their rent. Bail them out financially a lot. Neither doted on child or their partner has a full-time job.

Guess who is still the favourite. Despite pretty much failing at life. Wanting all the middle-class trappings without ever being responsible for paying for them?

You can't change your dynamic. Your mum loves your brother more than you. Back off from her for your own sanity.

is there any way to cancel/resell/change your families booking to a holiday your family would prefer without a huge financial loss and just let them be?

I imagine you probably weren’t too fussed about mum coming as you would have hoped it may be a bonding experience but now she’s not only invited the brother but paid for him too which enforces all those feelings of being treated differently

I agree with others that you should mirror the energy. The expensive gifts can’t buy love.

im interested in what the dynamics were like growing up. Did you notice disparity in love/ affection /time /energy/discipline?

I suppose you could also maybe try talking about your feelings with your Dad. Make it clear it isn’t about the £ because it should not be about that … but the message it sends and how you feel 2nd rate.

FWIW my Parents don’t pay for things for my and my siblings but will help us out financially if we need it. And what one gets we all get. Not necessarily at the same time - they may save it for a later date - but it’s incredibly fair and equal and to me - that’s how it should be

Stop buying nice presents, just gift a small box of chocolates. Change your holiday dates and go a different time to them. Say that you've decided to go as a family.

When you talk about the capital city, is this overseas and a different culture? I’d hate if this was my family. I’d copy your mum’s gifts.

If you're upset at having them crash your holiday could you move weeks, finding an excuse like husbands work commitments and leave it late to tell them. If they are on the holiday mention that during free time you'll be focusing on what the kids want to do.

I’m in a similar position really. My older sibling had a “failure to launch” I suppose and hasn’t worked in over a decade. In that time my parents have given them a monthly “allowance”, bought them a home mortgage free so they have a low monthly cost, gifted them cars, paid for their share of holidays etc. My parents have also been generous with me, but not to that extent as I have worked in a high paying professional role since uni and don’t need anything from them.

Anyway, the point of that background is that I understand the inequity of it, but I feel very differently than you do. I’m not bothered by it in the slightest. I wouldn’t trade places with my sibling. If my parents didn’t do all that, they’d probably be homeless or dead, which obviously I wouldn’t want for them.

If your parents don’t pay for your share of the holiday, you still go on the holiday. If your parents don’t pay for his share, he doesn’t go. I’d imagine that your parents just want him to have some semblance of a good life, even if he can’t provide that for himself. You’re doing well for yourself, you don’t need anything from them. You should take pride in that! Sitting around and getting wound up over pennies here vs pennies there will only make you miserable.

It's notnfair, OP.

The best I can say is be proud of yourself for breaking the cycle because given your mum and dad's parenting, you could.easily have been like your brother, drifting through life waiting for something to happen. Instead, you're kind,.thoughtful and organised and have a new little family to cultivate and focus your time.more wisely on.

Mentally shelve the holiday and stop going out of your way for them because the time is better spent on your husband and kids.

Fwiw your stepdad probably sees it as unfair but not his beeswax which is why he treats you the same where its in his gift.

I would try to get out of the holiday - can you cancel or move weeks/location?
And I would stop buying your mother expensive gifts and treats. Match her energy as other posters have said. Let Golden Bollocks treat her instead.

My sibling is the Golden Child in my family (and now her kids are the Golden Grandchildren and mine are just spare parts). It doesn't ever change. A bit of distance and putting out of my mind is all that has helped.

Do we have the same mother OP. It’s awful to see your sibling get a free ride when you have to do everything for yourself. It is also very sad that your mother can’t even make an effort for your birthday. I would def not be making a huge effort for her birthdays. My parents are the same brothers are so spoilt and I am just the capable girl who provides for myself. I have a son and a daughter and I vow I will not do this. I did have words with my parents after they were giving my brother money as he didn’t want to be a slave to the bank and have a mortgage. Like WTF a mortgage is good enough for me but not him.

Thank you so much for your message. I read it and felt heard and seen. There’s a lot of food for thought in this thread and I’m going to take a lot away from it.

I’m not very good at saying no and recognise that the inner child in me seeks approval and is scared to disappoint so I tend to go above and beyond/act in a way that I think will please my mum rather than what I want/what is good for us. I had therapy around 5 years ago and learnt that much of my personality is shaped by my childhood. Reflecting on this thread and the advice given, I think I should probably look at getting some more sessions to help me work through the remaining unresolved issues in a healthy way.

I voted YABU because ultimately baby-ing your brother isn't going to help him in life, and you're trying too hard.

You're an adult, you've got your shit together, and that's what matters. They're crashing your holiday though, if you don't like that's fair enough and next time don't let them join.

Stop putting so much efforts into building a relationship with your mum of that's not reciprocated.

bigger problem might be if he never moves out... then he will just inherit the house...regardless of whether you are on the will or not. Happening with my in-laws. Other 3 siblings won't get anything. Thank God I'm an only child 😂

Your hurt feelings are valid and the holiday thing is probably just a symbol/representation of a general theme that has been going on for a long time. Here are a few questions for you to maybe think about:

1. Why do you try so hard with your mother, when she doesn't seem to be reciprocating?
2. Is the problem that your brother gets more help than you or is it that your needs aren't being met. Is it the comparison that's bothering you or is it that you alone are feeling a bit invisible, regardless of what your brother is getting?
3. Would you rather be in your brother's position or yours and why?
4. Would your mother be able to handle your honesty if you tried to tell her how you feel, or do you think she'd get defensive/be dismissive?
5. What would you want your mum to know if you could be honest?
6. What is it that you really want?

Hope that helps!

My mum was like this with my sister until she got married. I think basically once I was married it was DH's job to look after me, while DSis was single she was still mum's "problem".

These days I treat people like they treat me, pull back on the presents and maybe pull away from your mum a bit. Clearly it’s bothering you and I don’t blame you, unfortunately she won’t change. He is scabbing and probably has loads of ISAs and savings.

Tell her it's unfair - personally, under those circumstances I'd say that I wouldn't be going.....

This is the age old problem about favoured children- it sucks , but there is really nothing you can do about it.
In future tell her no if she wants to go on holiday with you- and tell her you don't want to do that again and why, it will just fester if you keep quiet- your mother will say she has never favoured him, and feel that she has done nothing wrong. Why does she need your brother for company , if her husband is going too?
Definitely spend nothing, or as little as possible on gifts for her if that is what she does for you.
TBH I don't understand why you agreed to let her come on holiday with you, you don't seem to have that sort of relationship.