To think it’s unfair for mum to pay for brother’s share of holiday?

[Obeseandashamed]

Exactly that really. Brother is 27, lives at home as moved back after not being able to afford rent in a capital city elsewhere. My parents previously subsidised his rent but she wanted him to move back so she could keep an eye on him. He likes to live a free spirited lifestyle, travelling a lot, not holding down serious jobs as he finds them boring and so that he can travel at short notice and as frequently as he likes - you know the type. I am quite upset as we are going on a family trip. It was initially supposed to be just me, my DH and children but my mum wanted to come too and decided to take my brother with her for additional company. My dad also decided to come too. It’s not your typical holiday as it’s a guided city tour for a week so lots of doing things together. Anyway, I’m slightly upset that my mum is paying for my brother to go yet hasn’t offered to pay towards anything for me. I am not shocked but I am upset by it. There is clearly a big difference in the way we are treated and I always told myself it was because he is single and I haven’t been away with them but this time that’s not the case so i almost feel like I can’t reassure myself with that anymore.

My brother travels a lot and has had at least 3 holidays in the last year. My mum subsidises his income all the time and says it’s her fault because when he chooses not to work, he can’t claim any benefits as she transferred his savings into his own name many years ago. FWIW he doesn’t use his savings to sustain his lifestyle and they’re locked away in various ISAS.

I rarely get a birthday present. It’s usually an IOU with a false promise to do something together which rarely materialises or when it does, it’s hugely underwhelming and I have to be super thankful for it. This year 5 months after my birthday she took me to her gym spa on a free guest pass and passed it off as my present. I always buy her nice and thoughtful gifts. Previous presents have included experiences she likes such as hard to obtain sporting tickets with hospitality for a sport she likes, a specific type of designer purse she had been talking about, jewellery, silk scarves, dining experiences and cooking classes and such like. I cannot recall the last thoughtful present I received.

For context I’ve not lived at home for over 15 years and never been away with my parents in this time though they regularly go away. They are very comfortable financially and much better off financially than we are. We are middle earners although I gave up work last year to be a SAHM and due to ill health. She knows all of this and how we have adjusted our lifestyle accordingly to manage the reduction in income. We have a mortgage and childcare costs too.

I just want to feel like I’m an equal in the family and I really don’t feel like that. I also feel like my efforts are not reciprocated when in fact I’m the person who makes the most effort and bend over backwards to please.

Sorry for the long post!

Title should probably say AIBU for thinking it’s not fair that my mum is not contributing anything towards my personal share of the holiday as it’s her choice to pay for my brother but it would be nice to have some equality in treatment. 😔 It is very much a per person cost holiday as it’s booked via a tour group rather than per room.

It's not a nice feeling when a sibling is treated very differently. Sounds as though he's had thousands from your DPs over the years.

Why don't you try matching her energy and stop buying expensive presents for your mum? Try giving her an IOU and not following through and see if she comments.

I notice your mum is shouldering the blame here. Do you not hold your dad accountable too? Even if your mum is instigating the funding, your dad is complicit if he's allowing it to happen.

I would pull back on the nice presents. Give
her a box of chocolates.

Talking to her about it probably won’t make a difference, but you could try.

I agree with PP, mirror your mums presents for value and effort.
No the disparity and circumstances around it is unfair, but both of you, expecting your mum to contribute to holidays your isn’t great. It would’ve been better to keep the holiday to you and your side if the family.

So on the surface it seems really unfair, but you were going to do this holiday anyway so maybe your mum figures you can afford it and your brother can’t and doesn’t want him to miss out. She may still see him as a child and you as an adult ( you have your own family unit and have moved out he hasn’t). He could also be favourite child but it won’t change so I would match her energy with everything and accept she will always treat you differently

My mum is the enabler and my dad is our stepdad rather than dad but we are very close hence the dad label. My parents have been married for the entirety of my adult life. My brother became his stepson when he was 12. I don’t blame my dad as he is quite fair and will send me a monetary gift if he knows he is personally buying my brother something big. An example being when bought my brother an expensive laptop so sent me £500 which wasn’t the same value but it meant so much to me. If he was the one booking and organising the trip, he would be the type to have paid for all of us including my DH and children but my mum is the one who deals with all that type of stuff.

You’re right about matching the energy. I need to do this.

Didn't you already post about this and it was a huge post where you had a go at anyone disagreeing with you?

It was incredibly similar almost the exact same details if it wasn't you

if I read your post correctly, you said you were initially planning on going just you and your family and your mum invited herself along? I'd just explain you'd rather keep it yourself and your family, I.e. no mum, no step dad and no brother.

I don't see why you should have any of them ruin your well-earned break.

I’d match energy as others say. And also make sure this is your holiday - do what you wanted to do, plan things for your family. You don’t need to add them onto the plans. ‘We have booked x, the kids will love it.’ Your mum: what about us? You: I would have booked you too originally but it’s not really your thing and you and db and dad can all do your thing this way.

No I’ve never posted about this or my family dynamics in the past. I’ve actually never spoken about this in this detail to anybody in real life or online as from the outside we come across as a very loving and functional family 😅 I’ve also up until this point been in denial about the imbalance and put it down to the fact that I live away. I have step siblings that live away too but they are child free and my stepdad usually pays for them so I don’t see it as an issue as technically they’re not my mums kids and my dad covers their costs.

It is unfair but life isn’t fair- you have a partner and family, your mum sees it as he has your mum and dad. That’s their household. In the future I’d guess if we have one we feel a bit sorry for we’ll do the same. The not buying presents etc is petty, people use the transactional comment on mn but it’s true- dont give her a nice present hoping for something back! Maybe tell her you’ve decided to make it for the few of you, make an excuse about what the kids want to do or something

Yes it’s unfair but you also enable her by continuing to buy her expensive presents and the minute she said she wanted your brother to come on the trip you should have said no to the entire thing.

you say you are a STAHM but also have childcare costs…..that you have to watch every penny but can afford this trip. It doesn’t stack up really?

How it it arise that they are coming along in the first place? Do you want them there? It sounds like they hijacked your holiday.

if you had already planned to go then I wouldn’t expect your DM to offer to pay for you. But your brother clearly is the golden child here and you are begging for crumbs.

try take a step back. Definitely match her energy with gifts etc.

Of course it's upsetting that your mum favours your brother. But if this has been the pattern all your life, it's not going to change. For your own wellbeing, it's better to accept that.

You need to drop the rope, stop with the expensive presents and match her effort and energy. Why are you bending over backwards to please when she makes so little effort with your gifts? Why are you the one who tries so hard when no-one appreciates it?

I would concentrate on your own DH and kids and stop being the one who makes all the effort with your mum.

I remember that post but it was not the same. No husband or kids. That OP was getting hol as a graduation gift from parents because her brother had not managed to save up his share so parents were paying for him, then they also paid for that op and called it a graduation gift.

The title of this one did remind me of that other one though.

Yes that’s wildly unfair. But sounds as if that’s the norm here. So yes, keep the holiday to exactly what you, DH, and kids want to do, and they can plan their stuff accordingly.
And stop with the expensive presents. Match her energy. “Got you an IOU for x”. If she asks when it’s going to be used - say “oh, I thought we’d do all the IOU’s you owe me first!”. Okay, maybe that’s a little petty (but fair!), but just get small inexpensive gifts.

Hang on. I never said we have to watch every penny. There are a lot of things we have stripped back on and we have adjusted our lifestyle in direct response to me being a sahm. Yes we have childcare costs as free hours are not free hours. I spend time volunteering and on a few advisory panels so whilst not being paid to work, I do a lot to keep my mind active and to keep my professional registration intact and up to date without being in paid work. The reason for this is my husband works away often so I am the one who is the default parent for most things whilst also navigating ill health due to a long term health condition.

As for the trip, my kids would probably prefer a sunny beach holiday somewhere glamorous but instead we are doing a city break on a guided tour which is considerably different to our holidays of the past but I am wholly aware that we are still in a good position. This wasn’t meant to be a post around finances and a lack of. It was the issue of being treated differently. I hope that clears it up!

That is upsetting op. I would help one child more if they are struggling but very unfair when it comes to free holidays and birthday gifts.

You are an independent woman with a family, an income, a husband. You don't need any help. He's the 'failed to launch, unemployed and a bit useless' one who she clearly still thinks of as a child.

Your mum can spend her money any way she wishes, so just go about your holiday as you'd planned, and let them sort themselves out, I can't imagine your brother will want to trail round with your children, will he?

I think when you said your mum wanted him back home to keep an eye on him, that’s definitely the reason. He wouldn’t agree to come on his own steam, and she doesn’t want to leave him unattended in her house while everyone is abroad, so she’s paying to make sure he comes on a trip he otherwise wouldn’t.

It came along as I’d mentioned our trip to my mum. She asked who we had booked through etc and I shared details as I thought she was just taking an interest. She said she had always wanted to go and then booked with the same tour operator to go at the same time as us even though they run this trip on a regular basis. I don’t really mind them coming as it would be the first time going away as a larger family but I wasn’t expecting to feel the way I did about my brother’s expenses being paid. I may have to suck up this trip as a lot of the activities are done as a group but I definitely need to change my approach to other events of generosity like Christmas and birthdays. I also will try to separate from the group during the free time sections.

It sounds unfair but I agree you should have said no when your mum suggested bringing your brother as it’s not great for your husband to have your extended family hijacking the family holiday. In future don’t tell her holiday plans. I would step back from the relationship with her a bit.
It doesn’t sound as though she is helping your brother in the long run as he’s become a man child.

This is definitely not the case as he regularly stays at home on his own whilst my parents go away. It was the living away in a capital on his own, not knowing what he was doing with his time and him generally being uncontactable for weeks at a time because he was busy going out etc. She felt like he was drifting away so she told him he had to get a job that could cover his city rent or move back home as she wasn’t going to pay for him to be absent from her life.

Instead of pulling back, I would try having a conversation with your mum and telling her how you feel, specifically about presents and paying for the holiday. I said something recently with my mum, and it has made a huge difference - she listened and has changed her behaviours. I feel so much better now, and we are much closer, which is what I wanted (not pulling away).

Op, this is not fair but there is nothing you can do about it. You won’t change your mother's favouritism towards your brother. You just need to pull back a bit. I would not have gone on holiday all together. Your mother will probably be paying for all your brothers meals etc and it will upset you. Don’t buy your mother expensive presents etc. . While you probably love your mother dearly she obviously prefers your brother. It is very sad. I grew up like this. My brother was always favoured over my sister and I. Pulling back helped and throughout their lives, I have done my absolute best, to treat my now adult children exactly the same.