Dps joke at my expense

[cakedup]

At a gig last night with dp. I go off to the loo and then go to get drinks. Lady walks past and says, oh hello its you, I'm standing right by you. (Very large venue and we're right at the front). I ask her to tell dp that I'm just stuck in a very long and slow queue and not to worry.
When I get back to the gig, I thank the woman. I go in front of dp and he is directly behind me.
I notice him occasionally chatting/laughing with this woman and her female friend but think nothing of it. Not at length, just the odd sentence followed by laughing. I can't join in cos of my position in front and cos I want to just want to watch the gig.

Today, dp laughs and says when she told him i was in a long queue, he jokingly said "hopefully its a really long queue" and laughs. I'm not pleased at this joke at my expense but can't be arsed to say anything. Just for transparency (dp hasn't mentioned it), we also saw a man we often see at gigs who says to me "I love your dp, he is brilliant etc" and I jokingly say "well feel free to take him home with you." All taken in good jest and I don't think it's quite the same. We're all a bit drunk and on a gig high.

Then later today dp says, actually that woman was a bit 'handsy' at one point. And I said "well maybe you disrespecting me didn't help." He says oh come on, clearly a joke and anyone with eyes can see he dotes on me. He was very attentive at the gig (and in general) - throughout at regular intervals puts his arms around me, kisses me, asks me if I'm enjoying myself/everything ok etc.

I said well why would you speak to her if she was handsy, and he says that wasn't until right at the end after the gig.

Am I overreacting? I can take a joke but find this disrespectful. Just feel like I'm being treated like a fool by dp and seen as a fool by woman. And yet I'm the only one who's not acting like a fool IMO.

I think you are overreacting to be honest. You yourself just said you also made a joke at your DPs expense? You also said your partner was being attentive throughout so its not like he was pandering to this woman. She was out of order for being handsy but from what you've wrote he hasnt done anything wrong

Good to hear another point of view. I just don't like dp making a joke to a female stranger that belittles me.

Sorry OP, I think you’ve overreacted here. Yes he made a joke to a stranger that belittles you, but you made a joke to a friend that belittles him. There’s no difference in it. I think both were said in jest and you should let it go

I wouldn’t like it, OP. Also I read this as his comment was taken by the other woman as a bit of a come on? As in “I hope it’s a long queue so I can hang out with you”? Did I get that right? Not that he meant it in that way, but it might explain the hands!

Him joking at your expense sends her a message.
Its all about boundaries.
I have them and I wouldn't want to be around a man who thinks a joke at my expense is acceptable.
I wouldn't mock a man I wanted to be with.

Don't be afraid to have standards OP.
The really do protect you from twats.

Your feelings are right OP. They are very very right.

Your very first response. The first feeling. What was it. That was the correct response before his word salad bullshit made you question yourself.

His 'joke' gave a very different message than yours. We add in a handsy female chancer. It is not the same.

The moment any female says ' am I over reacting ' my visceral response is palpable. No, you are not. But you have experienced patterns of behaviour I imagine where someone will word salad their way out of behaviours and make you feel you are ' too sensitive ' ' over reacting '.

I personally would be very very firm about this. I would prepare exactly what to say to el husband. And remember whatever shit he says, your feelings were and are telling you the truth.

Basically - ' dear husband, I am not and will never be ok with a quote unquote joke at my expense of that nature again. You know exactly why that ' joke' is very uncomfortable to me. Please don't do that again '

He will come out with all sorts of bollocks. Then you simply say ' we will agree to disagree on this' And you go as far away from him .out the room .leave the house and let him process it.

What a dick. It sounds like there's underlying resentment about something and you might not ever know. Or he has no social awareness. I don't buy that. I think he was flirting. Being a dick and it was at your expense. Don't allow it to continue.

It's best you ease off on the ' jokes' yourself and see if all the above helps change anything.

This! He was out of order & I’d be upset, but given you made a similar joke at his expense first, then it’s hard to say he’s wrong. Boundaries seem messed up on both sides.

So it’s ok for you to joke that you don’t want him around but he can’t joke that he doesn’t want you around?

It sounds like you’re applying a double standard because you’re a woman.

Neither of you disrespected each other. If you don’t like jokes about you, then don’t make jokes about him.

To be honest with just this snapshot, I'd say his joke was something you both do - his being drunk probably made his make him a bit harsher than he would have otherwise but maybe you might do the same one day?

That's unless there's a pattern. You could communicate with self awareness and lightness that maybe it's a little too far for you without attacking him or being too upset as indeed the line is a little blurry there. His response will be indicative or something too.

She got "handsy"? I'm not sure what that means, but it sounds grim. If it was a man to a woman would it be considered sexual harassment? Creepy and uncomfortable at the least. It sounds as if she was completely out of order. Have you asked him how he actually felt about this and if he's okay?

I'd say you each made slightly unpleasant jokes about each other. Nothing eyebrow raising though. You say there was alcohol and the giddy highs of a night out, so I'd cut some slack and chalk it up to bad judgement on both parts.

Maybe agree a boundary where you don't put each other down to others?

I didn't think of it that way to be honest....I don't think they had spoken until that point and he certainly wouldn't have meant it that way.

If it was the other way around I wouldn't say something like that to a random bloke.

Both jokes are in a pretty similar tone to be honest, it’s too difficult to draw the line. If you didn’t use that sense of humour, then there may be something in it, but as you also do it just seems hypocritical. It’s unfortunate circumstance that the woman was handsy at the end of the night - but presumably he was not to know she would be!

It is true, I need to respect and listen to my feelings. I'm not an unreasonable person and we make fun out of each other all the time. Not a problem. But a random female, when im not there - thats different. He did apologise and say he wouldn't do this type of thing again.

The joke I made was with someone we'd met several times before, we were both present and in a way I knew dp would find all his gushing a bit embarrassing so was offsetting it. The person had even said what a great couple we were.

The joke he made was with a complete stranger and I wasn't there.

I think you’re over reacting too. It is just something to be said in very much the same vein as your comment. I’d feel sorry your dp was groped by someone. That can’t have been pleasant for him. Poor man, I know my dh felt assaulted by a woman in a bar who groped him when he was with friends and his hands were full coming back from the bar. Very unpleasant. Your partner doesn’t sound like a red flag at all. I do hope you find some chill and tell him you think that woman was out of order to him.

Absolute hypocrite

You're right, there is a lot of banter - between us. I wouldnt joke about him to another bloke in this way. Dp did apologise and said he would be more mindful in future.

I didn't ask for details but I know dp so know it wouldn't be anything overtly sexual, it wouldn't take much for him to call her handsy ifyswim. So probably along the lines of touching his arm when talking to him sort of thing.

Your definitely overreacting. It was an off the cuff remark. I don't think you were being belittled at all. You're too insecure if this has upset you IMHO.
Your DP sounds like a real catch and not afraid of PDAs like a lot of other men.

Wasn't groped, more tactile. Similarly, dp would feel the same as your dp if he was groped.

I still maintain that our jokes, although similar in tone, were different in that she was a stranger, and I wasn't there. He was telling her something about me behind my back.

Isn’t it worse to joke about him with someone you both know well?

The stranger is someone you'll never see again so not sure why you think it’s worse?

What?? But you did say something like that to a random bloke?!!

You are really over analysing what he said on what was a fun night out. You've decided his joke was worse than yours for various reasons, but not everyone agrees. But really what does it matter if he is generally a good partner - why are you causing this conflict over such a non event.