Letting your teen go out

[Orangeandgold]

My teen is 14 and I feel like I am struggling to get the balance of letting her go out and be independent vs when I should be strict and not let her go out.

We live in London, I grew up in London and I know how crazy it can get. But I also do trust her to be out and come back. The thing that I do not trust are other people that tend to pry on teens. So whilst I do let her out every now and then - the condition is she has to have a plan. I don’t like the idea of her just being out for the sake of being out and hanging out in parks and hanging out at shopping centres without a reason.

However, she does have one particular friend whose mum is the complete opposite, this mum believes that if you do not let your teen explore they will rebel later on. However, I am hearing all sorts of stories about her teen (from my daughter and other mums), she’s had a new boyfriend every month. She is usually out with groups of boys. She is known by the group of boys that you would normally see doing wheelies during school hours.

So I want to know what letting your teen out looks like for you. Do they have a curfew. Can they just leave the house whenever they want? Do they have to let you know in advance where they are? Do you track their whereabouts on your phone? Do you drop them off and pick them up? Do you let them make their own way back depending on how far they’ve decided to go?

I have all of these questions. As I feel very uneasy, but I understand it’s important for her to see her friends.

I’m definitely more on the strict side. I want to hear from others.

Unreasonable - let her out!
Reasonable - strict is good

Oh it’s so tricky at this age isn’t it? My DS is nearly 14. I always have to know where he is going and who with. In the summer he did tend to ‘go out for the sake of being out and about’ but we live in a small market town so he was never too far. We always have family tracking app and can always see where one another is.

I do realise that I had a lot more freedom at his age. I also feel uncertain about how to navigate it in a couple of years or so when you have much less control.

It is hard. My DD12 barely goes out I stay in a village. She has a couple friends who are trustworthy but she went from always being out crack of dawn to now never out. I’m strict with times checking in etc and I do trust her. She doesn’t go very far if she is out. If I was in a town or city I think I’d be a bit stricter xx

My DC went to clubs at 14 and still do now at 16/17. Nights filled with sport and hobbies leaves little time for wandering the streets.

My DD likes going to the local shops or cafe on a Saturday afternoon for cake/ice cream. Neither of my DC has just walked around during the evening.

Reading posts like this makes me so glad I'm not a teenager.

She's 14 years old. Give her a key and a curfew and let her go out with her mates. The more you control, the more she'll resent you.

Teens don’t do plans in my experience.

it’s all oh, Fred’s here and we’re walking back with him and the weather’s nice so let’s get an ice cream and sit in the park.

if you want to know where she is ask her to do tracking on her phone.

does she have to come straight home from school or is she allowed to stop at friend’s houses or the park or whatever?

I like my teens to go out and about within reason.

Mine do lots of structured activities so they usually have somewhere they have to be by a certain time which curtains them somewhat (and helps them get enough sleep as there always something they don't want to be too tired for).

I encourage mine to say yes to being invited out, I encourage them to use public transport and to develop independence and resourcefulness.

We have a tracking app, their debit cards are linked to my account so I get a notification when they get on the bus etc, I have their friend's mum's numbers.

I like my teens to go out and about within reason.

Mine do lots of structured activities so they usually have somewhere they have to be by a certain time which curtains them somewhat (and helps them get enough sleep as there always something they don't want to be too tired for).

I encourage mine to say yes to being invited out, I encourage them to use public transport and to develop independence and resourcefulness.

We have a tracking app, their debit cards are linked to my account so I get a notification when they get on the bus etc, I have their friend's mum's numbers.

This cannot be more opposite from anyone I know. In fact these are the types of kids I see going down the bad path, up to all sorts, and growing up way too fast for their age. I have friends with teens and none of them are like this. They ask permission to go out, they don’t hang around parks and shopping centres, not getting up to nonsense with boyfriends and girlfriends and wild.

I have 2 14 year olds. They go out but only with a plan, that they share with me and when walking on their own they’ll WhatsApp location. They don’t amble aimlessly but have friends over or go to the friends’ houses.

if I gave them a key and curfew they’d look at me like I’d gone mad. They have kids at school who spend all day hanging out in the park - smoking/vaping/drinking/snogging - but that’s of no interest at all to mine. They’re more likely to watch tv at home while video calling a friend. They like to go to the shops for a bit, but an hour and they’re bored and wanting to come home.

Well, I grew up exactly like that didn't go down a bad path.

What's happened in the last 20 years that means that teenagers need to be so tightly controlled and monitored?

Mine are quite sheltered and I’m unapologetic about it.
Frankly I’d rather they go off the rails as young adults when they’ll have more maturity to cope with the consequences.

They get permission to go out, and go with a plan. I don’t mind hanging out at the shopping centre which is the popular thing here, but if they go, it’s to meet friends at a particular time. It’s not just mooching, waiting for excitement to turn up.

There isn’t much that I say no to (so far) but I do have to be talked into some things, which encourages them to talk through scenarios, and commit to responsibility.

They’re not wandering the streets after dark or hanging out in playgrounds, and it’s a non-negotiable that they have to sleep in their own bed.

I know my dd has used her “strict dm” as an excuse to avoid things, and so has her bff 😂. I’ve been very lucky so far with the friends they’ve made.

Sports, hobbies, study and chores fills up a lot of time.

This.

Depends on their maturity.
Depends on their friend's maturity.
Depends where they’d roam.
Depends where in London.

It's a particularly tricky in between age. I agree there have to be limits and curfews but I would not be inclined to say an outright no to anything. My parents were so strict and 30 years later I still remember things and am surprised by how angry it makes me feel. Like they didn't trust me or want me to develop a character of my own, I was their daughter first and me after, if that makes sense.

With ds we imposed conditions the first time he did something, like a house party where he was allowed go for an hour, because he turned up at the appointed place and time he was allowed stay longer next time. It's obviously much more difficult if it's a one off thing. He had the chance to go to a teen disco at 15 a long distance away on a bus and we weren't comfortable so we said yes but met him off the bus at 2am to bring him home. I don't think a 14 yr old should come and go like a lodger but my instinct would be to give them plenty freedom which helps them grow and develop and make better choices.

What part of London is key?

Whats her school like?

It’s so tricky isn’t it, and I can see both viewpoints!

We are pretty strict with my DS, and I look back to when I was his age and I had way more freedom. But then it is so reassuring knowing where he is, who he is with and checking on my app to see his location.

But then I do sometimes see posts about teenagers and it seems like some parents think it should be the same as primary school- driven to places and collected, always know where they are, only allowed to known friends homes etc.

With older teens it’s also hard to balance the fact that your 16-year-old may be off to uni in eighteen months time, so they need to be prepared and have some degree of independence.

Also to the PP saying about filling their time with clubs/hobbies, I really wish my DS would do that but there’s no interest. He goes one club per week on a Wednesday evening and that’s it. But speaking to friends it seems really common that even the kids who enthusiastically attended 5 clubs a week in primary school have scaled right back and lost interest in their teens.

Whats safe and appropriate will vary so much on the local area, even within a few miles.

I've to know where mine are going. As in, go shopping with Ella or going to Jos house sort of level, not exactly where they will be. I'll give lifts, but they have to ask the day before. Most of their friends seem similar. But they are limited by transport options.

I know in London can be more worrying but have more transport options so they can easily get a long distance away without assistance or money!

My 14 year old can go out, doesn't need to have a plan and can just hang out in a park with her friends if she wants (they once spent a couple of hours just swinging on swings and chatting and listening to music, which seemed just so wholesome to me). She hosted a sleepover recently, during the day they went walking in the forest for hours, in the evening once it was dark they went stargazing and they popped out quite late at night to go to the shop down the road (which tbf I'd have said no to if I was still awake then).

But I don't live in London, I live in a small, very safe town in Finland. I am sure I would not feel so comfortable with her roaming around, especially after dark, if we lived in a big city. I do let her take the train to the city to visit her friend and they roam around but her friend is 3 years older so I feel more comfortable with that.

We're in a semi-rural village, and DD is 15 (just). She's goes out during the day at weekends, and can get the bus or train to one of the surrounding towns to shop, meet friends etc. She needs to keep me posted about where she is, and know when, and more importantly how, she's getting home. We're probably more relaxed than a lot of her friends parents, who still drive their teenagers about everywhere and won't even let them.on public transport!

My Dd is 15. We live in a village so she can’t go anywhere much without our permission as someone has to take her. I think at 14 it’s fair to ask that you know vaguely what the plans are: where she will be, with who. A curfew is definitely a thing mine would have in your situation.

County lines.

I wish my 14yo would meet friends "just to be out". Prior to covid he had friends he "played out with" all the time. Now it's alternate Saturday only meet ups. He goes out lunchtime and usually back for 7 - 8 ish. There is always a definite activity planned.
I'm late 50s and his Dad early 60s, so this seems bizarre to us.

It’s hard. Mine need to tell me where they are going and who with; and communicate if plans change. Don’t have set time as it depends what they are doing.

I don’t really ever say they can’t go unless we have plans (which they should already know).

We do track their phones but I try not to use it as would prefer them to keep me in the loop.

How will controlling them and monitoring them to this extent stop them getting involved in that, though?

Teens in London- I let them go out but they always check in with me first and let me know where they are going (and update as needed- e.g. we were at Y's house but now going to Z's house) and we have an agreed time home. I think you have to do what feels right for the individual child, the level of independence you think you can trust and they can handle, and how good communication is.