Letting your teen go out

[Orangeandgold]

My teen is 14 and I feel like I am struggling to get the balance of letting her go out and be independent vs when I should be strict and not let her go out.

We live in London, I grew up in London and I know how crazy it can get. But I also do trust her to be out and come back. The thing that I do not trust are other people that tend to pry on teens. So whilst I do let her out every now and then - the condition is she has to have a plan. I don’t like the idea of her just being out for the sake of being out and hanging out in parks and hanging out at shopping centres without a reason.

However, she does have one particular friend whose mum is the complete opposite, this mum believes that if you do not let your teen explore they will rebel later on. However, I am hearing all sorts of stories about her teen (from my daughter and other mums), she’s had a new boyfriend every month. She is usually out with groups of boys. She is known by the group of boys that you would normally see doing wheelies during school hours.

So I want to know what letting your teen out looks like for you. Do they have a curfew. Can they just leave the house whenever they want? Do they have to let you know in advance where they are? Do you track their whereabouts on your phone? Do you drop them off and pick them up? Do you let them make their own way back depending on how far they’ve decided to go?

I have all of these questions. As I feel very uneasy, but I understand it’s important for her to see her friends.

I’m definitely more on the strict side. I want to hear from others.

Unreasonable - let her out!
Reasonable - strict is good

Hanging around in shopping centres is a key part of being a teenager. Its not in anyway a precursor to "a bad path".

I 'got up to nonsense' with boys in my teens - didn't we all?

I still worked from 15, went to uni, got married and have been a decent member of society all my adult life....

I encourage my teens to socialise, to explore, to have fun and to gain independence. Adolescence is when they should be doing these things - with us in the background for advice, guidance, support and to help them make good their mistakes.

I can't see that not letting them out, not letting them find their own way on public transport, not letting them just be with friends without a structured activity or plan and not letting them mix with those they "might get up to nonsense" with leads to better outcomes in the end. Surely it just creates a different set of things to worry about in a young adult?

Thankful none of mine didn’t want to just hang around. I did, and got up to all sorts.

Mine is 16 and we work on honesty and what we/her are comfortable with. Trusting herself and building it up so that now (Year 12) she goes out with friends for dinner in central line and gets train back (London/Surrey borders) and go to O2 for concerts independently built up over time

She needs to be able to feel confident and comfortable becoming an adult and going off to Uni

House parties - have to be invited - I have seen first hand what can happen if people who aren’t invited turn up and I find the whole idea disrespectful so you need to know the host and be invited.

Goes out shopping during the day to Westfield and Covent Garden

My DS is 14, nearly 15 and we live in London too. He goes out at weekends with his mates, I ask who he is going with and where. If plans change he messages me but we have a family tracker anyway.
He has to be in when I say (we agree a time between us and it's always before dark) and hasn't been late so far, he knows if he is then his curfew will be qat earlier.
He enjoys the independence and I trust him so good both ways.

Presumably the dark thing doesn't apply in autumn/winter?

My DD 13 can get the bus or train to nearby city, go to shops, cinema, swimming pool etc. has a curfew and a tracker in her phone.

She’s been allowed out to ‘play’ since she was 6 and to go further as described since she went to high school aged 12.