to be pissed off at dickish comments?

[breastcancerpanic]

My dbro... all today...
First I was taking some tablets and said that I am motivated to always remember to take them because they are costing the NHS lots of money and NICE has just agreed their use in my situation (cancer - hopefully cured but this tablet further reduces the risk of recurrance). He said that he pays his NI and never uses the doctors - basically, he's always well (and in any case he has private for his family etc) - why would he need the doctor given how perfect he is?! (He didn't say that perfect bit but that's how it felt). So he said - and this is word for word - it's effectively me paying for them for you, so you don't need to feel guilty.
Second I was chatting to his son who he brought along. I was making conversation and trying to be nice. DBro said 'stop sucking up to him!' - after which I felt like i couldn't really talk to DNephew any more in case I said the wrong thing.
Third I couldn't find my phone, but turned out to be sitting on it. DBro said 'and so it begins' and when I asked him what he meant, he said alzheimers. To put this into context, we'd that morning been visiting our DM who is dying of alzheimers (seems likely to die very soon) and who I adore. Plus having had chemo, I'm paranoid about chemo brain as I'm back at work and need to be really on it.
At this last comment, his son said 'dad you have no filter', and I said 'yes, he's such a dick'. I've never ever said anything insulting to DBro (I'm v careful of his feelings at all times - I know what he's sensitive about and I'm careful to protect his ego etc). And not ideal to say it in front of his son (16 yo). But I just felt so much sadness inside that it just came out.

All I can say is well done for calling him a dick! He is either massively unaware how to behave socially or just like you say a total dick, I would go for the latter and it sounds like his son agrees! Sorry to hear you’re having such a tough time at the moment 💐

He says whatever nonsense comes into his head out loud so you shouldn’t worry about calling him a dick. In the context used it doesn’t seem like much of an insult, more banter on your side.

Your nephew is correct, your Dbro has no filters; he's also condescending and rude. "He's such a dick" encapsulates that perfectly. I wouldn't worry about it.

Oh my goodness, thank you so much. I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes just reading that what I said is okay and that I'm not over-reacting or anything.
I do actually really love him, and his behaviour is all kind and good, and I do know he loves me back. I think maybe his son is right, and it's just a 'no filter' situation.

I think it's hard atm because obviously I have lots of stuff going on right now, and also because I really do have a filter so am careful normally what I say!

Fucking hell well done your brother on never having had cancer what an amazing guy he is 🙄

you described him accurately from what I can tell

Yes, immense compassion & empathise with you completely
God Bless You 😢
There's absolutely no excuse for your brother to be so rude & thoughtless
Even your noble nephew comprehends he's got no filter 😌
Lovely that your nice nephew stood up for you & I'm praying this will make your brother think twice before being so insensitive, in future
You're fully within your rights to make a stand & stick up for your lovely self 🙌
Well done & I'm praying for the utmost very best for you & yours 💚

Thank you so so much lovely mumsnetters. I feel 100 times better after making this thread and reading your replies.

Well done, OP! It needed to be said, hopefully he'll be more sensitive in future.

He can dish it out well enough. Let him take it for a change!

You're such a lovely sincere soul, you really deserve all the very best 💚
God Bless You

Next time he wants to pretend he’s paying for your medication through his tax and NI, remind him that’s it’s very unlikely that he has even made a dent in the resources he has used that are paid for by taxes and NI. His birth for one, presumably in an NHS hospital. His free education, his son’s birth and midwife care, his son’s free education, presume they are all vaccinated? ever been to a library? Ever needed the police or fire, ambulance service?

I am astonished that you have never insulted your brother before. I have 4 and have never hesitated to do so if they deserved it. Calling them out for being an idiot doesn’t mean I don’t love them.
He was being a dick, so it’s reasonable to tell him so. Wouldn’t hurt him to try and be a bit more thoughtful would it?

😭😭😭 you've taken too much and its time to fight back girl

The good news is his son seems matured than him already and that Apple has bounced away from the tree!

sorry to hear about your mum and I hope you have a cancer free future

He sounds a treat.

you know having no filter can be a sign of Alzheimer’s/dementia so you can throw that one right back at him

I often read these things and leave feeling so frustrated for the OP, but yay! You called him a dick because he was one and absolutely deserved calling out. Well done, OP. You should be proud because it’s not easy, but standing up for yourself is so important. Hope you recover soon.

p.s what did he say in response!

He sounds like a dick, so 🤷🏾‍♀️.

I’m so sorry for all you’re going through and hope things improve. It sounds to me as though you had every right to call DB a dick for his lack of tact and compassion and thank goodness for your nephew.

I agree. He's a dick.

Thank you so much all. In answer to: "p.s what did he say in response!", I can tell you that I sensed that he looked over at me, but I had just kind of said it deadpan looking out of the window, and he said something jokily like "that's not very nice, I'm just having a joke" or something like that. Then (and I do feel like this is really important) he just continued driving - giving me a lift home - and we hugged goodbye. Like I say, the actions are all good - lovely in fact. He has done many kind things for me, and I do know that he loves me.
I think that in retrospect, I wish I had said that he was being a dick, or it was a dickish comment, but made no sweeping generalisation about him as a whole! I am supersensitive about the exact thing he was joking about - indeed one of the hardest things about the cancer experience has been looking in the mirror and seeing myself looking like my mother - not my mother when she was middle aged (as I am) but my mother as she is now... thin hair, losing eyebrows etc, looking tired, thin-faced, ill etc. And I am kind of paranoid about chemo brain... though I seem to be managing fine at work etc which is all a big relief, if I forget a word or anything like that I panic that something has gone wrong with my brain. So this is a really sensitive area for me, and I don't know if my brother knows that - or at any rate I'm sure he was not aware of it at that moment.
Also, with our mother I think on her deathbed, we are both having a really hard time, and I am sad to think that I might have made his day worse. He texted me later with some information and questions because he is doing some work around planning for funeral directors etc as the care home has asked us to. Like I say - good kind actions!
I really like the approach you all seem to have, that it's fine to call someone out on something and not just put up with any old crap being said to you, but also I very much want to keep up our close relationship and don't want to hurt his feelings! Families are so complicated...

Everything he says could be met with an eye roll or a disappointed sneer. You've been extremely restrained so far! He is the epitome of a dick and I'm glad his son isn't turning out the same!

You sound absolutely lovely.

Yes, families are complicated but why do you have to be careful of his feelings when he doesn't return the favour? Be brave and tell him next time.