to be pissed off at dickish comments?

[breastcancerpanic]

My dbro... all today...
First I was taking some tablets and said that I am motivated to always remember to take them because they are costing the NHS lots of money and NICE has just agreed their use in my situation (cancer - hopefully cured but this tablet further reduces the risk of recurrance). He said that he pays his NI and never uses the doctors - basically, he's always well (and in any case he has private for his family etc) - why would he need the doctor given how perfect he is?! (He didn't say that perfect bit but that's how it felt). So he said - and this is word for word - it's effectively me paying for them for you, so you don't need to feel guilty.
Second I was chatting to his son who he brought along. I was making conversation and trying to be nice. DBro said 'stop sucking up to him!' - after which I felt like i couldn't really talk to DNephew any more in case I said the wrong thing.
Third I couldn't find my phone, but turned out to be sitting on it. DBro said 'and so it begins' and when I asked him what he meant, he said alzheimers. To put this into context, we'd that morning been visiting our DM who is dying of alzheimers (seems likely to die very soon) and who I adore. Plus having had chemo, I'm paranoid about chemo brain as I'm back at work and need to be really on it.
At this last comment, his son said 'dad you have no filter', and I said 'yes, he's such a dick'. I've never ever said anything insulting to DBro (I'm v careful of his feelings at all times - I know what he's sensitive about and I'm careful to protect his ego etc). And not ideal to say it in front of his son (16 yo). But I just felt so much sadness inside that it just came out.

These things have a way of biting one on the arse when one says them.
I remember being young (sounds like your brother doesn’t have that excuse) and wondering in a bitchy way why my poor future MIL was depressed as she “had nothing to be depressed about.” I humbly eat my words as a hopefully better, wiser and more decent person now. Yes, depression found me and SIL. We all laugh together about how MIL’s sons married into it as the family standard.
Cant you text your brother telling him what a lovely young lad your nephew is turning out to be and explaining that you are vulnerable right now, so any comments implying that you should be grateful to him for your treatment must stop or you’ll have to take a pause for your well being?

Get well soon x

Please stop protecting his ego immediately - he is a nasty nasty piece of work.

To speak to someone who has had cancer about their medication like that is APPALLING. It's not rude it is downright cruel.

I'm so sorry your mum is on the way out, but hopefully when she goes you will never have to see this idiot again.

Why on earth would she pander to him?!

No reasonable adult speaks to a person (never mind a person recovering from cancer) the way the OP's brother spoke to her. There is no comparison between his cruel and goady comments and what a youthful you secretly thought about your MIL.

The OP needs to do less egg-shelling around her brother, not more. It is likely everyone else's egg shelling that has helped turn him into a twat. She can text her nephew direct if she wants to tell him he's a nice young man.

If she wants to continue to see her brother (don't know if I would) the only way to control him is to come down on his dickishness like a ton of bricks.

Someone should have told him he was being a dick a long time ago by the sound of it.

Better late than never!

Long, slow claps for your Dbro for never having cancer. Well done him!
So sorry that you’re dealing with this A hole, whilst you’ve so much going on. Best of luck with your treatment. What a C U Next Tuesday

Wow, your brother sounds like a complete c**t. Good for you on calling him a dick.

I've never ever said anything insulting to DBro (I'm v careful of his feelings at all times - I know what he's sensitive about and I'm careful to protect his ego etc).

Why?

Honestly I do think you are being a little too sensitive. He's he's being a dick and you told him , is that what siblings do?

(I'm v careful of his feelings at all times - I know what he's sensitive about and I'm careful to protect his ego etc)

And THAT'S why he treats you like a piece of shit!

Stop man-childing the prick and tell him to fuck off.

I think that's the kindest way you could've put it op! He should be overthinking what he said, not you. Some people are just that blind to other people's suffering

Well done for making a stand OP. You did exactly the right thing.

There is a type of person who always pushes boundaries and feels free to say exactly what they please in order to unsettle, belittle or put someone else down.

When the recipient picks them up on this they were always, 'only joking' or 'you're too sensitive'.

They sort of get away with it because other people are too kind, thoughtful or polite to call them out. The more they push the more used to it you get until one day they pick the wrong day, or just push in the wrong direction or too hard. They had it coming. It will be interesting to see if they reign it in in future. I bet not, it's a kind of hard wired thing, mostly in men.

Y

You care too much about upsetting him when he doesn't care nearly enough about upsetting you. I honestly think you should call him a dick more often (because he is)!!

I'd also say, well done for him never needing a doctor. Its great when you're well but that can quickly change for anyone, same for being able to afford private health care. Hardly something to be braggy about.

Yes I so completely comprehend how precious your family is to you
I feel your dear brother, previously was unaware of how insensitive he was being & unintentionally has now discovered, (hopefully) that he's crossed over your boundaries
So I'm praying he's going to have learned from this situation & not repeat previous mistakes
The fact he made the comment regarding "not very nice" implies to me, he himself, had not set out, or intended, to be not nice
Some folks genuinely are a bit thoughtless with their comments
Without meaning to cause upset
Similar experience, numerous years ago, an ex bf made an insensitive comment about me, in front of my best friend
It was out of order, too, just like your dear Brothers comment, & in regards to my health! But he'd no business shaming me in front of my friend
It seems some make inconsiderate comments because deep down they're fearing the worst, but of course, they're handling it wrong & coming across like tactless, rude rogues
At the time, you were righteously angry, he overstepped the mark So please forgive yourself for not saying what you needed to say, exactly how you wish you'd said it 🫂
I'm really hoping he understands this now & I'm praying he will, compassionately, put himself in your shoes, in future, just's you automatically, do for him 🙏
Wishing You&Yours All The Utmost Very Best 💚

FWIW I think your nephew was being kind and your description was accurate!!

Do you reckon he thinks he's being funny? It sounds a bit like he's not matured from the sibling rivalry dynamic. One of my brother's is a bit like this, you can't really have a conversation with him as everything has to be a sarcastic quip. YANBU for speaking up when he's being a dick, don't go out of your way to protect his feelings if he's not doing the same for you.

@theunbreakablecleopatrajones
I think the sentiment was perhaps too subtle for you?
The nephew being a lovely young man in contrast to his father who made the dickish comments? And then telling brother you don’t want to see him if he is going to say horrible things to poor OP.
Where is the pandering?

I had to call out a male friend who sounds just the same. He was sending me messages making light of something hugely triggering for me with no thought at all to how these "jokes" would land. On and on and on even when I said things like "how can you be so blasee about all of that?". I eventually told him I was blocking him because he was being hugely insensitive and triggering me. It's been lovely and quiet ever since.

If it eases your mind on MAFS there is a groom who seems to think calling someone a dick is "bants" or jokey, so it's apparently an acceptable word for men to hear as a way to gently chide them. Next time you could try "massive dick".

Yes definitely it is that he thinks he's being funny.
He likes conversations to be kind of spiky etc. And I think he just doesn't see me as someone that he needs to properly respect.
I'm just starting to disentangle all my feelings about it from all the years that this has been going on. I was talking about it at home with my family (dh and dd here), and it all sounds quite bad!
My dh had been away over the weekend, and when he came back and I relayed the story of it all, he seemed kind of unsurprised. I thought maybe he didn't think anything that bad had been said, which I found upsetting, but it turned out that he more just thinks that it's all of a piece with the way dbro normally carries on. Which is true, but I think it was a particularly bad day of saying crap things. Plus there is no doubt that I am currently very fragile... I think it is about my dmum given the timing, but it feels like it's just about everything. I have a lump in my throat like half the time like I just want to have a big cry!
Thing is, my dmum is/was so lovely! Despite being literally 51 tomorrow, I had a moment with her the other day where I felt like a puppy trying to wake up its mother dog... i.e. I basically felt like a child...
I think however old you/they are it's properly hard losing a parent.

Yes it can be immensely difficult to lose a parent, no matter any of our ages
So true
My Beloved Mum passed much too young & She was my best friend, so no matter what our ages it would be so upsetting
I did also feel other Angels & /or God were comforting & consoling me, that My Dear Mum was now out of Her suffering, at peace & She's always with me in Spirit, my Glorious Guardian Angel watching over & protecting me, Forevermore
I'm praying you will recognise this with Your Dear Mum too
💚🕯️💚