AIBU to be affronted for my child?

[ComeTheHour]

DS is 12 and has a long standing friendship with another boy. They have had many play dates which we have co-ordinated with the friend’s parents over WhatsApp, and you could say that we are friends with the parents too - stopping off for coffee, chats etc before taking our respective kids home. The boys also do lots of gaming together whilst chatting over Teams. About ten days ago the mum spoke to my DS on Teams whilst the two kids were playing Roblox and asked him if he would like to come and celebrate Diwali with them this weekend. I heard her ask. DS was very glad to accept. It sounded like a firm invitation to me, although she didn’t actually message me to ask if I was OK with it (which I was). Come today, DS asked his friend when the actual event would be. His friend went off to check with his parents and came back and told him that his mum no longer wanted DS to come because she had invited some family friends who have their own kids and her son & mine would probably not socialise with the kids of family friends.

I feel really hurt on DS’s behalf. Although the withdrawal of the invitation was probably rather bluntly phrased by the other child and possibly not quite the words his mum used, it seems quite rude of the mum to get her child to withdraw an invitation already made. It’s also not what I would have expected from this mum. She’s probably busy, but would not usually be rude. DS has asked me not to fall out with the mum, because the other boy is still his best friend, and he wants me to arrange further play dates for him. I have messaged the mum to say that he is confused as to whether he is still invited, but no reply so far. I certainly don’t feel like going to the parents to ask for more play dates and am wondering how far I can swallow my pride in order not to mess up a friendship for DS.

You need to take a massive step back.

Arranging playdates for 12 year olds?
Getting affronted over a change of plan?
Swallowing your pride?

Honestly it's too much at this age, they need to be getting pushed toward being independent, not being babied. He asked you to leave it, so you should have left it.

I'm not saying that it's nice, but do you really think this is worth falling out over? I'm not sure you have to 'swallow your pride'? Your son has asked you not to make a thing of it, so don't.

Make light of it for your DS and do something nice today.

Yeah it wasn't a good idea to message her and act confused- what did you expect to happen? She gets embarrassed you've forced her to invite your kid, or she tells you change of plans?

People are allowed to change their plans and your kids doesnt seem to bothered to be honesty.

Its got nothing to do with your pride, you should examine why its even involved in this situation

YANBU his mum shouldve handled it differently but swallow your pride for the boys friendship. The other boy is probably upset too that your son is no longer going.
You said she isnt normally like this so i'd let it slide this time but be cautious going forward.

And I really don't think you should have messaged her. It's obviously a day of celebration, so let them celebrate.

Your son is 12, not 2.

why are you arranging playdates for a 12 year old? Why are you messaging the mum? Your acting like your child is 6 not 12!

You completely swallow your pride, and don't wreck your son's friendship. He has been able to move past this and wants to be friends with the boy,so you as an adult should be able to as well.

It sounds like the woman was rude or disorganized, but your DS has aked you not to interfere or fall out with the Mum, so don't. You don't have to be best friends with her, but personally I would just assume she's a bit flaky and continue to have coffee and be pleasant to her, because that is in your DS's best interest.

There is always some minor drama going on with kids social lives, don;t make it a big drama, and at 12 you need to respect your son's ability to navigate his own friendships and make his own choices. It isn't either of the boys fault that this has happened. Be as affronted as you like in your head, but don;t mess up the friendship between two young lads who get on well.

Reading between the lines the other mum might have been pressured by her own family members to keep it a "family only" gathering, and she's been put between a rock and a hard place. I think you need to let this one go, if she's normally not like this.

Ok thanks for the feedback. It was the mum going across me to invite DS to an event so I think she could gave done better in withdrawing it. As the friend lives at some distance there's always been communication between parents about timings of drop off/pick up et cetera but probably time for us to step back.

You're too invested in this.

She invited him, then another family group was invited (not necessarily by her) and that changed the dynamics and it would have been awkward to hav th two lads sequestered away together so she had to backtrack.

Ideally your son's friend would have proactively said, "sorry, you can't come after all because we have family coming." These things happen all the time, it's no big thing.

It's passive aggressive nonsense to message her and pretend to get confused. No one is confused, you're just annoyed.

You feel like your DS has been snubbed or sidelined, but that isn't the case.

Plans (that were never fully confirmed with you) changed. I agree with the other DM that it would be awkward for her son to be playing with yours when wider family are there.

Your text was a bit PA and has put the other mum in an awkward position. I'd message to apologise and wish them a lovely celebration. Invite the boy to yours next weekend maybe?

I don’t really get involved in my almost 12 year olds social arrangements 🤷‍♀️

It was rude of them to disinvite your son but arranging play dates at 12? Can they not organise it themselves?

The mum has been clumsy. Good to know she’ll drop your son like a hot brick when it suits.

From what you've said this seriously isn't worth causing problems about. The retraction of the invite was a little clumsy but dynamics between kids are awkward sometimes and if these are relatives that her child doesn't see often then I can see where she's coming from. Regardless of how fair it is/isn't the most important factor is that your 12 year old asked you not to intervene. This should have been enough for you to keep your mouth and your keyboard quiet. They're 12 and there's no ill feelings between them so you need to butt right out for the love of God before you ruin a strong and longstanding friendship for your son.

Yes it clearly is time to step back, youve been really rude texting her especially after your son told you not too! No wonder she didnt reply.

She obviously should have thought it through properly before asking your son to join. But let them enjoy their celebration and just forget about it for the sake of your son and his friendship. He’s being very mature about the situation.

I think it’s very weird you’re arranging okay dates for your 12 year old. Give him a house key and a curfew and let him be independent without you getting involved

He's 12! Why are you even messaging the parents at all?

I wouldn't be offended by this - I guess the mum just wanted to make sure her son mixed with family members, maybe people they don't see very often. I can imagine it would be easily for a kid of around that age to focus on their friend rather than family and while it wouldn't bother me, I can also understand a parent wanting to make sure their child gets some time with their cousins or whoever that might be overriden by the presence of a good school friend.