AIBU to be affronted for my child?

[ComeTheHour]

DS is 12 and has a long standing friendship with another boy. They have had many play dates which we have co-ordinated with the friend’s parents over WhatsApp, and you could say that we are friends with the parents too - stopping off for coffee, chats etc before taking our respective kids home. The boys also do lots of gaming together whilst chatting over Teams. About ten days ago the mum spoke to my DS on Teams whilst the two kids were playing Roblox and asked him if he would like to come and celebrate Diwali with them this weekend. I heard her ask. DS was very glad to accept. It sounded like a firm invitation to me, although she didn’t actually message me to ask if I was OK with it (which I was). Come today, DS asked his friend when the actual event would be. His friend went off to check with his parents and came back and told him that his mum no longer wanted DS to come because she had invited some family friends who have their own kids and her son & mine would probably not socialise with the kids of family friends.

I feel really hurt on DS’s behalf. Although the withdrawal of the invitation was probably rather bluntly phrased by the other child and possibly not quite the words his mum used, it seems quite rude of the mum to get her child to withdraw an invitation already made. It’s also not what I would have expected from this mum. She’s probably busy, but would not usually be rude. DS has asked me not to fall out with the mum, because the other boy is still his best friend, and he wants me to arrange further play dates for him. I have messaged the mum to say that he is confused as to whether he is still invited, but no reply so far. I certainly don’t feel like going to the parents to ask for more play dates and am wondering how far I can swallow my pride in order not to mess up a friendship for DS.

I have explained this upthread.

You don't need to message them about drop offs and pick ups, your kids should be arranging it themselves at that age.

Is your son not mortified at how involved you are?

So she invited your boy, without checking with you first, but then she said no sorry, it's not convenient now. End of story. Why are you even involved?

Tbf you haven't

This is hardly the point of my thread, but where we live it wouldn't be safe to send a 12 year old off for the evening with a house key and tell him to be back by 10.

I agree it was a minor faux pas on the other mum’s part, and not worth making a fuss about. But all the “Why are you still arranging playdates?” posts are a bit silly - certainly where we live any hanging out among kids of this age has to involve lifts from the parents, so we’re involved whether we like it or not!

They're not silly.

You don't need to communicate with other parents to arrange a lift - a group of 12yo's are more than capable of arranging it amongst themselves and texting you to be picked up.

It’s just a change of plan.

They are doing Diwali, have other guests coming and have realised their DS will be more sociable with them if your DS isn’t there.

Given that it was a conversation in passing during a game I’d have seen it as more of a sounding out- would you want to come- rather than a definite ‘Come next Saturday at 6pm’.

Quite. This the way it still works with DC's friends & their parents. They've all been at the same all-through school since Reception, and although has time has gone by we've obviously stood back in many ways, it's not to the extent that we wouldn't mention a hangout to the other parents first.

If you weren't so involved, you wouldn't be so "affronted" now.

Your son is 12 - time to take a big step back and let him organise his own social life. He can text you when he wants to be picked up.

She was rude to uninvite your ds. Without even telling him.

I would not get involved from now on. Let your ds find his own way with his friends and arrangements.

I'm surprised at you feeling affronted, that your pride is hurt and that you no longer feel like going to that parent to arrange future play dates. That is all totally over the top.

She generously invited your DS. However, as it happens, she never actually confirmed with you, as would be the norm, you say, to arrange drop-off and pick-up times and any other aspects.Then, due to subsequent developments in their family plans (over which she may not have had full control, as others have pointed out), the event evolved such that, unfortunately, she felt that she needed to change things so that her son would more fully engage with the new family invitees.

It's not ideal that things changed, and I'm sure she feels a bit bad about having to backtrack on her invite to your DS. A minor saving grace in her mind MAY or may not have been that she had not yet firmed the invitation up by making arrangements with you. Maybe.

These things happen. Not ideal, but not a big deal in the greater scheme of things. What's more both boys are fine about it.

DS specifically asked you not to make it awkward with her, and what do you do? You turn around and send a trouble-stirring text message to her, saying you are confused, when in fact you are not confused at all: her son had answered your son's question absolutely clearly. You did that on purpose to put her in an awkward position and to make her feel worse about her inelegant arrangement-making.

You could have been a bit more magnanimous. She messed up, but we all make social gaffes occasionally. She obviously loves having your son over and considers him a great friend to her son to have contemplated inviting him in the first place.

Yes it's a day of celebration & it's not like her dear Son invited himself, the Mum of the friend is the one whom did the inviting so should have handled with more compassion & let him down more gently

Play dates at 12 is quite unusual. I’d let your son sort out his own arrangements now and stay out of it all.

All a tad awkward.

Surely it’s not play dates anymore at 12, just having a friend round.

What a fuss. Is he an only?

Jeez, let it go. It’s no big deal.

I don’t think you are over invested in your DS’s social life, but I think how you react to this is important. You can role model resilient behaviour for him here. “Oh ok, not to worry, sometimes plans don’t work out as expected” is enough to show him that he doesn’t have to be offended or upset. It’ll make him so much happier in the long run if he can learn to brush off these small disappointments.

Your kid likes to play there so much that he was offended that he can't go to Diwali, your solution is to ban him from ever socialising with his friend ever again?

That makes very little sense. It's showing your son an example of lack of resilience. Unfortunately people's plans change.

You don't need to love the mum and it's not how I would've done things, but don't stop your son playing with the kid. He likes him and they enjoy eachother's company.

it wouldn't be safe to send a 12 year old off for the evening with a house key and tell him to be back by 10.

So you tell him to be back by whatever time you think is appropriate.

But at 12, they should certainly be making their own arrangements, and then confirming with you if a lift is needed, rather than you taking the initiative to arrange a 'playdate'. Don't they do things like getting the bus into town on a Saturday and going round the shops and getting a milkshake, or whatever 12yo boys like these days?

Agreed. I think at 12 too, the language of play dates does seem juvenile. The boys should be scaffolded into making their own arrangements now, with you easing yourself out of the picture. I have a teenager and it frustrates me when parents needlessly message me about trivial matters. Unless it involves travel out of town, a very serious change of plan or an emergency, the children have their phones and can sort out their own lives.

I understand why you were hurt on behalf of your son. I would’ve felt exactly the same way. I believe once you extend an invitation you can’t uninvite someone (except in very rare circumstances) as it’s poor etiquette. Unfortunately, etiquette is diminishing rapidly in our society. Regardless, you should have respected his wishes. I think he was very level-headed about the whole matter and you should be proud that he handled the situation with such good grace.

She changed her mind. It's not a big deal. Chalk her up as flakey.

Be more resilient. Model that for your child. He sounds like he is doing better than you on this score quite frankly.
The correct answer to your child is "oh dear, never mind, perhaps another time."
The correct answer to the parents is "we understand, and thank you anyway".
What kinds of behaviours, reactions and attitudes do you want your child to learn?

12, as in year 8 12?
At this point all you should be hearing is "I'm going over to Bob's on Saturday, I'll get the bus there, can you pick me up at 10pm?"
Does your son have access to a phone/WhatsApp? You really shouldn't be involved and messaging parents at this stage...

What a rude and insensitive mum. Some parents are just so clueless. I once had a mum disinvite my child from a party because her daughter had unknowingly invited too many. It was upsetting, these things are a big deal around this age.